Just too old to be gay?

That sounds rough. I'm 47 and there are bars and clubs here where my husband (he's 53) and I seem on the young end. Frankly I think gay bars and clubs skew less towards the young than do straight bars and clubs. I tend not to feel out of place in a gay dance club. I don't go as often as I used to but still enjoy it from time to time. By contrast I feel like a 47 year old straight guy would stick out like a sore thumb in a comparable straight club. Are there gay clubs or organizations where you live?--I feel like where I live most of them actually skew older, maybe as people decide the bar and club scene is less important to them over time.

 

I don't know what it is like in your country or even other parts of the US. But, I find that gay men, especially middle age gay men, tend to have their own world. The trick is to break into that world and you may find a rich social life. When I first came out to my wife I decided I needed to have other gay/bi men around me. So, instead of the "meeting at the public toilet or parking", I chatted with ANY gay guy I could on line and started to get the lay of the land. I ended up getting invited to private parties, boys night out etc. pretty quickly.

It's all about networking. It takes some effort. But, the other thing I found is that my gay friends get together a lot more than my straight friends for parties and outings. There is always something going on. I live in a small town. I don't know if that makes it easier or harder. Less gay community but tighter perhaps.

I do feel your pain though. After two years of staying married and my gay friends realizing I am not "going gay", I am back to little in the way of a social life as a bisexual. I just don't fit in well anymore with the gay crowd. That's OK I will figure it out.

You need to work at this. I think there is a tendency for us coming out later to say "I've arrived...here I am!" and the whole gay world will open up. It doesn't. Like anything, you have to put a effort into it and it can be very frustrating and tiring. Good luck.

 

I've never enjoyed the bar scene. Even when faking straight and young, it just wasn't my thing. I would suggest meetups if there are any in your area or close enough you can drive to. You can find people with similar interests etc. My closest are about 2hrs away but there are always some going on and with people in my age range.

 

I'm 62 and i definitely know what you mean about the gay bars. One thing i did was i got involved with a local LBGT support group. That has a specific group within it that is just for older Gays 50 +
Maybe something like that would help.
Plus i use a online dating site, but i limit searches and who i talk to only others around my age or those looking for specifically for a older Gay man.
Hang in there i'm sure you'll find the right man for you.

 

I definitely agree with you that as a Gay community we have. I had a conversion with one of the therapist there, about how being Gay has so changed from the 70's and i'm not sure for the better.
It's like they taken being Gay and packaged and sanitised it and made it look pretty. So its acceptable to non-gays. But in so doing they're insulating gays into groups and not just letting relationships develop on there own.
I know the online thing isn't for everyone one site i had luck with was ### (don't know if i'm suppose to say that) Lol

 

Guess i wasn't... Lol

 

I'll try. Lol." Plenty of fish " if that doesn't get through.
Think of a WHOLE lot (word begins with a P) of the things the swim in the sea or rivers that people are always trying to chech. Lol

 

Hope it got through to you ?? Lol
&
I really hope it helps!!!!

 

I keep hearing about this ageist thing. I just am not sure it exists only in the gay world. Hetero guys would never call a 50 ish woman hot unless she doesn't look her age. It's no different. Our society right now is into worshiping youth.

But that said, I get hit on by young men a LOT. I had a 23 year old BF for awhile. I rock climb with a couple. One of them is 55 and his boyfriend is 28. We socialize with guys of all ages.

I've always been able to relate to younger people. So, maybe that's it. But, I've never been made to feel like an old perv even though I might qualify for the label!!!

Maybe I live in a rose colored glasses world...but, i think sometimes we create our own reality. If you feel you fit in you can make it work. At least it does for me.

 

I'm starting to wonder if I'm just not old enough. Maybe in about ten years I'll hit the wall. But it seems to me that bars, clubs, cafes and the like--at least here in the States--are young people institutions, at least among straight people. In my experience those kind of institutions are much more open to older people in the gay world than in the straight one. I think of several of the tea dances I've attended--and I just can't quite imagine a couple hundred straight people, average age about 50, amidst the pounding dance music and lights carefully set up in the woods. For better or for worse it's a gay thing. Frankly the gay people I know my age and up are a lot more socially active than their straight counterparts. If anything I think the infrastructure for gay people of a certain age to socialize outside the family structure is actually a great deal better than it is for straight people. It does seem to still revolve around couples and I could see where that would be hard if one wasn't paired up. To be honest when I think of ageism in the gay community what really comes to my mind goes in the other direction. Most gay guys I know around my age have a certain sort of dismissive attitude towards young people, a sort of "come back when you're a real person" vibe, which, if I'm honest with myself, I sometimes find myself slipping into.

 

I guess I'm not just talking about the older younger dynamic. But, part of having a younger friend and hanging around younger gay guys is that I get dragged out to the social scene. At that scene, I'm never an old perv. There are lots of guys my age and older.

Only my perception. But, I'm a bi guy who does like to party some. I got to do that with my gay friends. I found that being "gay" opened up more opportunities for socializing. What is harder to find is a party scene for bisexuals! I have to pretend to be gay! When my brother got married, he and his husband to be and all my straight brothers, nephews, even an uncle, went out to a gay bar and had a great party. It was such a diverse crowd it made an impression on all of us. I agree with OGS that we would never have seen that at a "straight" night club.

I hope you can find your scene. Instead of looking at the nightclubs in your area that sound like they do cater to the younger crowd, maybe look at other venues? I know that here we have LGBT hiking groups, biking groups, skiing etc etc. I attended a few of these meetings and, to be honest, I felt a bit on the younger side (at nearly 60). There were a bunch of older gay guys.

Don't give up. You will find your place! You mentioned the group that didn't have a menu that dropped to your birth date. Maybe just pick the closest year and go anyway? One thing I have noticed with my limited experience is that a lot of guys do lie a bit about their age (among other things). You, simply, can't be the only guy in your area that is having the same experience. Give it a shot and see what happens.

 

Although I am not gay (I definitely like women), I am bi-curious. I am 60 and also share your reluctance to go to places frequented by 20- and 30-somethings. Even if this curiosity hit me at a younger age, bars are just not my thing. I have checked the Meetups as some others have suggested. Your success at such things seems to depend on where you live - and what you want. I found groups catering specifically to gay men, but little for bi men - and absolutely nothing for the bi-curious man. In any event, good luck.

 

It definitely sucks being in my 40s and struggling to come to terms with my identity....lonely as hell at times empty and unfulfilling...I know I wish I would have been more open to explore myself in my teens and twenties cause I definitely think I missed some opportunities to be congruent with my inner self ....

 

Do you think the same applies to gay women?