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Just some feelings

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Nov 16, 2018.

  1. baristajedi

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    i can’t believe my ex ruined our relationship. Ruined it. We could be loved up, we could have been so damn happy. She ruined everything.

    I know this post is a bunch of nonsense because things were so difficult for the past year, and only after she threw me away did we suddenly have some kind of passionate sex life again, suddenly she desired me, wanted to be close to me. I’m just feeling a lot of really bitter feelings at the moment, at the way she suddenly needed me, desired me, wanted to show me love and affection, *after* throwing me away. I was so good to her. And she could have had everything. And I was still so in love and felt good in those feelings, even through all the hard shit. And now I miss her so much. But I don’t want her, because she’s left me so wounded. She’s hurt me so much. She’s ruined it all. Why would she do this?
     
    #1 baristajedi, Nov 16, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2018
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  2. SevnButton

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    @baristajedi, I'm so sorry for your pain! I don't know how else to say it, it just sucks!

    We all go through this life, getting by day-by-day, trying to enjoy life and getting wounded on the way. My father was so wounded by the death of my mother, his first true love and the love of his life, that he never recovered, and died too a few short years later. His death wounded me, and consequently I haven’t been as present in the lives of people in my life, possibly wounding them.

    If I'm remembering correctly, your ex, who has so wounded you, was wounded by the suicide of her ex, and I can only surmise that he must have somehow been terribly wounded.

    So somehow we need to break the chain of wounds. I don't know what the recipe is to do that, but I can say that the wound I suffered 33 years ago when I got dumped has slowly healed, but the scars are still with me. Maybe somehow the pain can be channeled into kindness and understanding.

    Pardon me please, for being so philosophical. My greatest hope right now is that you will be comforted, and that you will grow stronger and wiser as you come out of this ordeal.

    Big hugs-
    =Sevn
     
  3. baristajedi

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    Thank sevnbutton, this is all helpful, taking a step back and thinking about it from this perspective gets me a bit out of my head and helps a lot. I’m so sorry about what’s happened to you with your dad <3. And you’re right, finding compassion will help me get through this. I think being present for my daughter is my way of finding compassion, and looking back at my ex with forgiveness eventually.

    I have done some reflection and I think I’ve reached some clarity, that will help me to feel a bit more able to move forward.

    I have been looking for clarity, honestly since we broke up, and I think I’ve found it. This need to find clarity, honestly is the reason I’d been putting off officially breaking up with exGF. But now it all feels much clearer and my choices feel very right.


    So, the reason I can’t be exGF’s partner is that - after all that’s happened, being her partner feels degrading. Because she’s treated me in such a way that has been so disregarding of my dignity and my needs, and has been so humiliating and hurtful. Has abused my vulnerability so much. (I have already had this clarity about her treatment of/and relationship with my daughter, in them not quite bonding, her not empathising with my daughter, not being fair towards her; in addition there are environmental things that are just better for my daughter on our own, and finally this last thing my ex has done and how destructive it was to my daughter. Honestly I see lots of benefits of this new path for my daughter after she adjusts with the change and some reclaiming of beneficial things for her that have always been her foundation...)


    But anyway back to my needs for now because I’m pretty clear on my daughter.


    I think if there weren’t this one massive thing that my ex has done, or if there wasn’t the history of smaller hurtful, unbalanced, destructive, degrading things between us, basically without the combination of all of it, I would have probably been able to keep going. Because before this, I *wanted* to make sacrifices and compromises and try hard and be patient and work hard, it was all worth it, for this person, who makes me feel like she does, who I’ve always seen on a basic level to be a good person, and because I thought we could make it through to the other side and it would be beautiful. Because what I could see was that what we had was beautiful, strongly beautiful, beautifully strong. All my love and deep feeling of romance and affection and desire lasted through all of that, and all of our commitment to us and joy lasted through all of the difficulties. And my empathy for her made it possible too.


    But what has happened now is that a switch has been flicked, and all the beauty has been removed, destroyed. What is left is pure raw desire, need, desperate wish to be close to her, to make love to her, but it is filled with a degrading feeling and a “wrongness”, no longer a beauty and a feeling of strength and deep reward in being vulnerable, like the nurturing feeling I used to feel.


    (And I cant forget the emptiness of much of the last year but that’s another story).


    Anyway, now that love is void of what makes it healthy and sustainable. Now it is only filled with things that make it toxic, dark, wrong.


    So that’s why I am better off alone, to care for myself, love me, to grow, explore to find my happiness.


    Anyway, this clarity is all going to help me be a more present person, it’s going to get me through all the pain of letting her go, it will make me a better mom, and in the end a more full person.
     
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  4. UMedusa

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    I'm glad you have reached this level of clarity and have written it down, for yourself, and for others to read your strength. Your daughter needs you, for sure. Even if you and your ex did get back together, it seems like she has a lot of work out within herself because it dramatically hurts her life as far as relationships go.
     
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  5. OnTheHighway

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    Somethings just wont make sense unless your in her head, and that’s not possible.

    I have recently reflected on my prior relationship, particularly now that it is holiday season. I too feel like I gave it all, made the sacrifices and compromises. But the sacrifices and compromises were not reciprocated. As time goes by, I am sure my former partner will come to terms with what he gave up, but its too late at this point as I have been able to move on. As I look at my current relationship, which seems balanced and equal, the comparison to my prior relationship is stark. And I know I made the right decision to end it. If I would have stayed, my own health and mental well being would have been jeopardized.

    Take the relationship as a learning experience. Nothing was wasted. You will be a better person because of the choices you have made and continue to make. Your fortunate to have your daughter to focus your attention on. And she relishes the attention I am sure.

    Be strong, your a great person. I admire you and what you have accomplished.
     
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  6. baristajedi

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  7. baristajedi

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    Thanks Umedusa <3, this really is the right step, it’s clear why we don’t work, I just felt so much for her, still do. It’s so hard.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    Thanks onthehighway, I think that’s how I need to look at it, as a learning experience. And your experience with your new partner gives me a lot of hope. I’m so happy for you <3

    My daughter and I are having so many more really wonderful chances to bond, that feels really special. She’s struggling a bit with all the changes, but this is good for us as mum and daughter.
     
    #8 baristajedi, Nov 18, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2018
  9. Peterpangirl

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    Yes. I am not over her...I still desire her and to be quite honest I think maybe I'd be up for a casual thing with her that is low on commitment on both sides right now. I know that's bad but I think she feels the same too. She told me she was still wearing my rings, was I still wearing hers? I said that I'm not...I mean how can I? This is so messed up.
     
    #9 Peterpangirl, Nov 18, 2018
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  10. baristajedi

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    Hi peterpangirl, all of that is so normal, and of course you're not over her, it's going to take time <3 I totally did the post breakup low commitment sex,so no judgment there. It's just kind of human nature, but do take care of yourself. You're going to do whatever your emotions lead you to, but whatever you do, just remember to take good care of you.
     
  11. baristajedi

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    More reflections... I hope you all don’t mind me sharing...

    So yeah, my exGF has broken my heart. Totally broken it. But the brunt of that heartbreak really started a year ago, I’ve been feeling a slow burn since then and as a result I’ve been building my defences since then too. And I’ve also been building my understanding for some time that I need things she can’t give me and that my daughter and I are better away from that relationship. For M’s sake (my daughter), i wish I’d never met her, or never dated her. But for my sake I’ve learned a lot, gained a lot, and I’ve even been done a favour by having her do such a shit job at being my partner, especially the extreme crap at the end. It gave me a very clear understanding of who she is and how clearly I deserve better. I have gained a lot, learned a lot, as I said, but she’s stripped me of a lot too. She has stepped all over my vulnerability. Has been so careless with it.

    At the moment that leaves me feeling like I don’t know if I can ever trust anyone again. And that I never want to open up to anyone again. And that treatment, along with missing her presence, and her body and her lips, that is what leaves me with this painful ball in my stomach and my chest. It’s her in there, and I want to get her the fuck out of there. I don’t want her in my heart.

    I’ve been feeling this massive obsession with wanting to get myself out there to meet women. I suppose that’s a lot of what that is about, wanting to flush her out of my system. I want someone else’s lips on mine, the memory of someone else’s body pressed against mine. I want to feel someone’s desire.

    I’m going to be ok. What I want though is to feel that fullness of life that I had before she stepped all over my heart. I know I’m going to get there. I’m going to be stronger, better. And guess what, I’m already a pretty cool person. Flawed, as many of my decisions make evident, but I’m pretty happy about who I am. She’s not got quite that comfort, look how she treats others, but that’s her problem now, not mine.
     
  12. baristajedi

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    And so... my ex is writing me messages, well she wrote to me starting last night and I have been responding but I don’t really understand the purpose of the messages. It’s like random conversation.
     
  13. OnTheHighway

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    Baristajedi,

    I had to directly explain to my ex the need for no communication for a period of time. While I initially intended for us to remain friends after we split, I feel some distance is required for self reflection before I can truly decide if thats possible. And as the months continue to pass, and I reflect about the “slow burn” I experienced just as you have, I ealize my initial intent may not be realistic.

    It has been important for me to understand why I got into the relationship to begin with, what my failings were that contributed to the untenable environment that I experienced, and contemplate how I need to make better decisions going forward (which I believe I am doing for the most part).

    While I could point fingers at my ex for everything he did wrong, I have concluded we simply were not compatiable and I hold no ill will. However, I am not yet convinced that a friendship is possible given the continued incompatibility and my desire to see him be truly independent and responsible for his own well being.

    A few weeks ago after repeated attempts were going unheaded as I explained the need for me (and my belief that he needs the same) to have some time apart or one another I had to take some difficult action to ensure he understood. If down the road I find a need to re engage with him, I will process that at such time as it occurs.

    I am explaining to you my own process in order to give you some perspective. Your path of course will be different, but there may be some parallels. What your going through is still very raw, whereas I am already nine months in from the our decision point to split (and almost a year and a half from when I realized I needed to move on from the relatinship). That said, you do seem to be processing the relatinship well, albeit emotionally challanging no doubt.
     
    #13 OnTheHighway, Nov 20, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2018
  14. baristajedi

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    Hi onthehighway :slight_smile:

    Your situation does have loads of parallels and it is really helpful for me to think about all the different things you’ve thought about and worked through. So your ex is still reaching out to you? How are you feeling at this stage about your relationship with him? I know you said much is resolved, but are you still working through some of your feelings?

    I think you’re right about building boundaries and having space from my ex, and I have to think about exactly when and how it feels right for me to do that. At the moment I’m still processing how much space I want. Our message exchange actually went into a lot of emotion yesterday, and I didn’t expect this but it felt really helpful afterwards. We cleared the air a lot and I think it made me feel good to express a lot and even felt that we understand each other more. There will be a point where I think space will feel more appropriate and then maybe a time further down the line that we can be friends at a distance. At the moment I’m leaving the door a bit open because I feel like the conversations have helped me a bit.

    I feel strong but honest and clear having talked to her about why I’ve made my decisions but also being honest in telling her I’m missing her and I’m sad. It’s kind of cathartic at this point. I’m working through what feels right at the moment and I don’t know yet what level of distance is best right now. But I do know that space and distance will be more healthy soon.
     
    #14 baristajedi, Nov 21, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2018
  15. OnTheHighway

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    As of now we are not communicating with each other. I wanted space and, while it took a while for him to accept that, I now have the space I had been asking for. During this period I realized a) I learned a lot from the relationship, but b) I made the right decision to split. I appreciate the time we had together, I learned a lot, and there will always be a place on my heart for him. I want him to have a good life and be happy, but I don’t love him as I used to. Simply put, I could not provide him the happiness he sought without making bigger sacrifices myself than what would be deemed reasonable in any relationship where compromise and sacrifice are required mutually from both partners. We were not compatible long term.

    I am confident and at peace with the decisions I made before, during and after the relationship.
     
  16. looking for me

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    some times the reason is immaterial. the fact is she did all those things, she threw you and your daughter away, I mean really. the fact is she F*ed up, she drove a loving passionate person away, she did those things. and this is on her. you did all you could, I know you did. and at the end of the day protecting your daughter and yourself is your primary responsibility, and you are a Rock Star in my books.
     
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