Hello beautiful people, I'm new to this place because I'm in desperate need for answers. Like a lot of people here I've been thinking and kind of questioning my sexuality lately. First a few words about me and my history so to speak. I'm female and in my early twenties. I've always been pretty sexually repressed due to my upbringing and managed to condition myself to associate sexuality and sexual feelings with shame and guilt. I have just recently worked up the courage to actually face my sexual feelings. Being sexually repressed throughout most of my life has led me to believe that I am somewhere on the asexual spectrum. After reading more about asexuality I thought I was asexual and aromantic because throughout my life I've only had very little and short 'crushes' that could all potentially fall under aesthetic and platonic attraction (I have huge issues telling different types of attraction apart). These 'crushes' were never sexual for me. The 'crushes' had been on some boys and I recall two crushes/squishes/slight attraction on/for girls. But that was also at a time when I was learning more about different sexualities, so I'm unsure if I 'faked' those in a way or rather if I talked myself into them somehow? So fast-forward to the present me finally allowing myself to explore my repressed feelings a little. I eased myself into the matter by reading erotic fiction. I'd usually only read hetero fiction. I discovered that reading descriptions of the act would certainly 'work for me', however if there was any romantic foreplay/talking involved it would basically turn me off completely. I only cared for reading about 'the act' and also never fantasized about participating or placing myself in the scenario. At this point I still thought I was most likely ace, because I read about similar experiences with erotic materials by aromantic asexual people. Well, then I kind of dabbled in lesbian erotica. I noticed that this material also turned me on. However in a slightly different way to the hetero stuff. Almost in a more…emotional way so to speak. I was more invested in the 'love' and 'desire' aspects instead of being repulsed by them (as I was with hetero erotica). Reading it also made me fantasize noticeably more. I'd not just read the material to get it over with basically I'd actually sometimes insert myself into the fantasies. I also caught myself wishing for getting some real experience. Weirdly enough any thoughts of dating a guy and being slightly flirted at by a guy always make me go into full panic mode. But not in a cute way, it actually makes me anxious. Imagining a relationship with a man that would involve more than maybe kissing, makes me cringe. Even though I have never had experience with either gender, the idea of being romanced by another woman makes me feel kind of intrigued and not at all scared or repulsed. Now, discovering these things actually really confused me. As I said before, I thought I was ace because fantasizing and thinking about being in a physical relationship with a man made me cringe and basically repulsed. But discovering that I don't get these negative feelings if I'm thinking about dating a woman really made me question if I am actually ace. I also never seriously considered being anything other than heteroromantic if at all tbh which only adds to my confusion. My history of being sexually repressed doesn't help with figuring things out either because it makes me wonder if it's the repression that causes me to feel repulsed by the idea of a relationship with a man. Maybe I have too many anxieties attached to that so that the idea of being with a woman seems 'safer' so to speak? Maybe I'm just rejecting societal gender roles, because I hate the idea of being 'the woman' in a relationship (I'm quite the tomboy but that's a whole different story)? And since all of these things are just happening inside of my head and not irl it could also just be mere fantasizing with no actual meaning behind it? Am I still asexual but maybe not aromantic even though I thought I was? As you can tell I am really rather confused so thanks to anyone who actually read all/most of this. It got a lot longer than I intended but I felt like elaborating was kind of relevant. Now I'd really love to hear some of your opinions or even some advice (if you have any) on what I can do to help me figure things out.
Welcome to EC. Of course only you can determine for sure who you are and what your orientation is but other people can share their experiences and that can help you explore. I myself have gone through many stages. After being treated very badly by different people (mostly men) and wanting to distance myself from such things I did for many years feel that I was asexual. Recently I finally found a decent man who treated me very well and we are now in a relationship. I have discovered that I am demisexual and panromantic. I hope that you can find the right label and then relationships that work for you. I was also raised in a very negative environment including very sex negative. The shame is definitely something that is difficult to work through. Brené Brown has some good work on that, including this TED talk. She also has a number of books. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame
Thank you very much for your reply and sharing your experience. I'm glad you finally found someone who treats you right after having had a rough time with people. Yes, exactly. I mainly wanted to get these thoughts out of my head for once. It felt in a way relieving to write it down since I have no one in my social circle who I could possibly tell about these things, especially if I'm so unsure and confused as to what I'm even experiencing. People stumbling upon this and maybe sharing some experiences and/or advice will be an added bonus to me. Also thank you for the suggestion, I enjoyed the TED talk a lot.
Hey! So from what you wrote, it sounds like you are possibly attracted to women but are in denial. Now, bear in mind I am really making an assumption and jumping to conclusions with the very little I know and I am sorry if what I'm saying is totally off. Anyway, I think you should keep an open mind and not be scared to ask yourself questions (I know its easier said than done). I think reading erotic stories is a good way to explore what feels right and doesn't. I hope this was at least a little bit useful and again, I'm sorry if I misinterpreted what you said. Take care of yourself <3
Hi! I think I might be able to give advice here. I too was raised to feel shame and guilt in combination with sexuality. My parents grew up without internet but I did and they taught me to be afraid of the internet... so, I can relate. Like you, I definitely struggle telling the different styles of attraction apart. I'm sexually attracted to men, but there are a lot of girls I interact with who make me laugh and I just love spending time with them. That may sound dumb, but I just mean, a lot of times I just feel very strongly about people I get along with, as well as people I want to be more like. When I would read straight fiction, I often imagined myself as the girl, not the guy. Maybe this helps to read. But even as a kid... sometimes I would see myself as the guy but more often I would be jealous of the girl. But that's just my experience. When girls would hit on me I also went into full panic mode. I never knew what to say. I was never confident in myself. Eventually, I got the hang of telling them I'm not straight... If being with a woman makes you not scared and not repulsed, then that sounds right to me! A relationship is something you enjoy. That's all it is! I'm sorry you feel that way about being "the woman" of a relationship... I kind of know what you mean. Same-sex relationships are great because they feel so even. There's a lot to relate with, just being the same gender... I hope this helps. If anything, I hope my thoughts might be useful for comparison.
I agree with @Theoislost What I took from your message was that you feel far more attracted to women. You’re not repulsed by imagining being with them like you seem to be with men. Throughout your message it seemed clear to me.
Hey, thank you all so much for your replies. I was surprised to return to some more and also a bit nervous for some reason. @Theoislost Don't worry you didn't say anything completely off at all. I guess it might be possible that I'm in denial? I have to go think about this. @sojabohnenfeld I didn't expect to get a reply of someone who can relate so much to what I wrote. I don't think it sounds dumb at all that you would sometimes just feel very strongly about people for different reasons. I can especially relate to the wanting to be a bit more like them part. When it comes to reading straight fiction I would say that I don't see myself as either participant ever. 'A relationship is something you enjoy. That's all it is!' I love how you worded this, I think it's something I needed to hear actually. There's just so much I worry and think about all the time that I sometimes forget that meeting people and relationships are first and foremost supposed to be enjoyable and fun experiences. @Suitsme I think one of the reasons I'm questioning 'being more attracted to women' is because I feel like I'm experiencing attraction to women less frequently as opposed to men. Yet I don't seem to like the idea of dating a guy very much at all which I just think is weird.
Maybe it’s because you’re attracted to each gender in different ways? Like a more physical attraction to one and a more emotional attraction to the other? I know there’s different labels for the types of attraction but I’m not educated on all the different labels these days. I understand when you said you don’t want to feel like the woman in a relationship (with a guy) because you are more tomboy. I’m more on the masculine side and I always felt the same. It felt odd!
It could definitely be possible that I experience attraction to each gender in different ways. Attraction is just so difficult to figure out to be honest. For me it's still almost impossible to tell the difference between romantic and platonic feelings too. It feels good to hear someone relate to this experience. I've always been quite the tomboy and have questioned my gender identity too (I identify as female mostly for societal reasons, but I see myself as quite androgynous/gender neutral). Maybe I should've mentioned it in the original post now that I think about it. I'm not sure how much influence this has on my confused feelings about attraction, but I do feel like it might play at least some part in it. I feel like if I were to be with a woman, I'd be more comfortable with myself. I wouldn't have to compete with a guys masculinity so to speak.
I totally understand what you’re saying here because these are the very reasons I have struggled to find labels for myself. I identify as non binary but I’ve thought about the possibility that I might be FTM. Yet I don’t want to lose my female role in life (being a mum etc). Do you ever feel dysphoric? I get days where I’m dysphoric but not bad enough to want to actually transition. So labelling myself non binary makes sense to me. Im almost certain my gender issue makes it difficult for me to actually label my sexuality. Bisexual seems to be the easiest to say but I doubt I’d want to be with a man again in a romantic way. My gender went more and more masculine as I grew older (and finally allow that side of me to just be) so just like you say, being with a man would have me competing with his masculinity. Or should I say, I’d feel less masculine and with a woman I’d feel more masculine. I hope I’ve made sense.
I feel like I kind of ignored that there's still some gender related issues brewing beneath the surface that might have a bigger influence on my sexuality than I thought. So on the topic of gender identity. I guess my main concern is the negative attention I'd most certainly receive if I were to openly identify as anything other than female to be honest. I don't think I'd receive any support from my family either unfortunately. So for now it's simply 'easier' to label myself as female. In terms of dysphoria I'd say I probably experience mild dysphoria occasionally, it's gotten less over the past few years probably since I've started to embrace my masculinity a bit more. I've thought about transitioning before (top surgery still sounds great sometimes) but I feel like my mild dysphoria doesn't justify actions that drastic. You've made a lot of sense actually, that's exactly what I meant to say.
