Hey, It's been almost 8 months since I've checked on this forum. But I guess I checked on this place again since I do need somewhere to rant/talk about my depression. I'm not entirely sure if I do have it since I wasn't diagnosed by a licensed psychologist (only Avoidant Personality Disorder). I guess today I felt suicidal again. This usually happens for no reason at all. I own a cafe business along with a partner and my sister. It's been doing ok so far and though I still don't get my own personal salary, I'm contented that I am able to run my own business (I did realise though that it is a lot easier to have my own). I've talked about coming out to my mum here and months have passed, I still think that she doesn't "get it". One time I got home and I saw a pamphlet in my room that read " The role of manhood christianity" and I knew it was her that left it. I was bothered by it but brushed it off immediately. My relationship with Christianity (my family is southern baptist and my dad is a pastor at our church) have been really rocky and I have been avoiding church for almost 6 months now because of how toxic it was for me. Sometimes I just wanted to get away from everyone because I couldn't handle any of the secrets and pressure that I'm dealing with my life. My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years now and no one in my family knows and while it's necessary to keep it in private, I feel like our relationship needed to be like that every single day(it's a good thing his family knows). So I don't exactly know why I wrote this but I'm Suicidal. I don't have anyone to talk about this in person because I stopped going to my therapist, Didn't want my family to misinterpret me again (I've talked to them about my mental illness and they've been dismissive about it) Couldn't talk about this to my bf because I didn't want to stress him out in the middle of his Medical board review. So sometimes I'm on my out wits end. I can always just keep myself busy/distract myself with work but I get tired too.
She might get it, but might not want to accept it... Which seems to be rather common. Might just have to sit her down and tell her how you really feel. I won't go much into the religious beliefs, because your family wouldn't be southern Baptist, if no one forced it into your country. Hopefully someone who is religious will chime in and help you with that. Cause truthfully I am not a fan, for reasons just like this. I get suicidal sometimes as well, sometimes something triggers the thoughts and other times it just comes out on its own. It is hard to focus on the positives when it seems that there are not many. But you do have a long term relationship and a business of your own. Owning a business is full of its own stress which doesn't help dealing with the personal stress you feel. And I can only imagine how stressed your bf is with a board review. Take a deep breath and take it one thing at a time. Help your bf get thru the review, then the two of you can talk about coming out to your mother. With his stress behind him, he can support you thru your stress. It is hard to support someone else when you really need it, cause I have done it myself. In the end it does pay off, but it takes time.
I agree with Shorthaul. Also, perhaps it would be worthwhile to go back to your therapist or find another therapist (if you stopped going for some other reason besides money). Personally speaking, I know sometimes it doesn't feel worth going because it feels like all I do is just mindlessly complain to him and don't really fix much. But just the act of venting (even about shit I find dumb) can really help. Looking back about why it wasn't working for you and trying again (or perhaps finding another outlet that works better for you) might be an idea?
I'd also encourage you to seek out a therapist. If you suspect that you may be experiencing depression or depressive thoughts, a therapist can only help - and if you are, having a diagnosis might go a long way toward opening up a chance for your family to sympathize with you and take your feelings seriously. I also think talking to your boyfriend about what is happening would be a good idea. I understand that he's going through a busy and important time, but you are also important to him - he wouldn't have spent two years with you if you weren't. If you want, try setting up a therapy appointment or something first, so you can tell him you're being proactive about it at the same time you let him know - but, boards or no boards, he would probably want to know. For that matter, if you're still in the closet to your family, you've probably gotten used to not telling important things about your life to people you are close to. Don't spread the habit to your boyfriend.
