Some of the last few days have been a bit rough for me. I seem to be having more of these kinds of days lately so I guess I just need to vent or something. I haven't done anything with my life since I graduated from college. I've become a total hermit that barely leaves the house unless it's for work. To be honest I don't really enjoy socializing. I want more close friends, but I just find meeting new people difficult and awkward. I've got like one friend I talk to regularly, but they live halfway across the country for school. They're away for like 9 or 10 months of the year and I miss them so much it hurts. I guess we're more like FWB at the moment. I think we both want to make it official but I'm not out yet and I don't want them to have to keep it a secret. They've brought up the idea of me moving out there, but it makes me really anxious. That's a big move and I don't know if I'm really in the best place in my life to do that right now. Though the more time passes, the more and more tempted I am. I do feel like moving out, especially to someplace so far away, would maybe help me feel more comfortable coming out or trying to figure myself out a little bit better. I know I need to move out of my parents house. I know I need to get a better job. I know I can't just sit in my room all day playing videogames and feeling sorry for myself. I know nothing will change if I don't put any effort in, but I just feel like I can't do any of this. I still feel way too dependent on my parents and unprepared for "real life". Then I feel guilty for it because I know my life isn't difficult, I have it easier than probably 99% of people, but I still feel so incapable. The last few years haven't been super great for me. Especially recently I've been feeling super weird. It's like I've totally lost track of myself. I guess a lot of my views have changed over the last six or so years since high school. That coupled with the fact that I've been questioning my sexuality for quite a while now, and recently have started wondering a bit about gender as well. It's a very strange feeling, like I don't even know who I am anymore. I've been pretty self conscious for most of my life and I feel like that affects how I behave and present myself. Like I'm scared to do things I might want to try because of what people might think. Sometimes I feel like I live my life based on what other people might think of me. I feel like I still have a lot of work to do figuring out who I actually am and what I actually want to do with my life. I've brought some of this up with my friend, but I don't want to treat them like my personal therapist or anything like that. So I guess I just needed to rant a little, sorry this got so long.
I get it. Change is hard and scary, but with each step outside your comfort zone it gets easier and more fulfilling. I think that if I could move and get a fresh start, somewhere else, it would be good for me. Alas, I am an only child with aging parents to care for, a son who is on the autism spectrum, a daughter who is getting married and future grandkids down the line, and a burgeoning relationship that I want to see where it goes.
Yeah, it's that first step that I struggle with. I don't really know where I should start or what to prioritize. Other than that I guess it's just working up the courage or motivation to actually do something about it.
Disclaimer : I don't know your life, and I'm trying to give you insights from my own experiences. Don't take it at face value, I may be projecting too much. I trust you to only pick up the parts that are gonna be helpful to you. Oh boy, I've been there. Tbh it's all about momentum and trapping yourself. Change is scary and you're feeling like it's too difficult for you to figure out. It takes time to find enough strength to do it, but my advice would be to try to engage yourself into something you know would make your life better but you don't feel strong enough for. just enough for you not to be able to go back. turns out you'll adapt faster and better than you'd expect. For me, it was signing up to a school and having to find a company for an apprenticeship. I was flipping burgers at night and attending "job seeking" bootcamps at day. And just as my current contract is about to expire, I trapped myself again by finding another apprenticeship and a school in another city. It was hard ngl, I literally changed all of my (so called) life plans in the span of two months and I'll be moving out of my mother's home in less than two weeks. I'm most likely neuroatypical to some extent and have struggled with these stuff my whole life and have been chronically depressed for years. I still feel insecure and like my mental health could go down at any point, but that's only been a feeling : I've been able to do those things that felt almost impossible. As for moving out to get closer to your friend, I'm not one to give advice about how to socialise correctly or how to manage your relationships. However, if there is ONE thing that I know for sure, it's that if you decide to move you have to still be as independent as you can. The last thing you want is to find yourself halfway across the country in a new environment and to depend on your bf for your survival. Find a job and an apartment there before moving out.
I'm not really sure what my next step should be. I think moving out would be a good first one. I guess my career is an issue for me too. Despite going to college and getting a degree I don't really know what I want to do with my life. My current job has nothing to do with what I went to school for. I've been having second thoughts about if that's really what I want to do anyways. After graduating is probably not the time to be doubting something like that lol. That is one of the main things preventing me from actually moving out there. I feel like I'm not responsible enough for that yet. I think it would be a good idea to live on my own for a while so I can learn how to be a functioning adult lol. I'm just scared that I'll miss the chance to be in an actual relationship with them. We're not technically dating yet. Neither of us are looking for anyone else. I'm just worried that I might miss the chance if someone finds them, or they get tired of waiting for me to come out and start looking for someone else.
I still believe you could manage finding your first place and a job where he is if you don't mind living afar from your parents and don't have social circles you'd be missing deeply. As long you as you don't require your pal's help to keep a roof over your head, you should be fine. how long is he still gonna have to go to school for ?
I think they have two years left. I don't know what their plans are once they graduate though. I doubt that they are planning to move back here.
