I don't think I've talked about this here before but I have four kids and my beautiful darling youngest daughter is estranged from us. She cut off all communication with us just over 5 years ago (she's nearly 20 now). And just tonight I heard her voice on someone else's Instagram post - just one sentence - but I haven't heard her voice for 5 years! I've been bawling my eyes out. I woke my wife and we've both been crying. You can sort of get through each day by being busy with work and other life things but hearing her voice was such a shock! Again, not a question but a little rant..!
Just realised this was sort of in the wrong topic (though I do have some LGBTQ children!) I meant to post in friends family and relationships - probably couldn't read through my tears!
Thankyou! Once I got over the shock it was lovely to hear her! I remember her voice as a young teenager but she sounds like an adult now. Incredibly sad for all the things we've missed and how much I miss her every day but it's also a little bit like being close to her for a moment.
You're welcome. Sorry for being nosy, but what happened? It's fully okay, if you don't wish to talk about it though.
I don't mind talking about it at all but it's just such a long and complicated story! In a sense I dont really know why she left - it was so sudden (to us) - but basically I have one daughter with bipolar disorder who was VERY difficult growing up and I admit we didn't know how to handle the situation and did a lot of things wrong (she hadn't been diagnosed back then and we had tried to get help for her but she often just seemed rude and difficult! So the daughter with bipolar is not my wife's biological daughter and she, over the years developed the notion that we (as opposed to her biological mothers household) were too strict and "mean" - part of the difficulty of not knowing or understanding her mental illness - and our youngest, over the years of listening to our eldest complain about us, developed the same notion - that we were more strict and uncaring that other parents. And it's true we really didn't know what was going on in our youngest's head - which is why her moving out seemed such a shock! But she moved to live at a friend's house and told her friends parents we were abusive and she couldn't live at home. She also told the school and our social security department to get some funding to live on! We have a relatively good social security system here (compared to many countries) and there's quite a lot of support if you can convince them it's impossible for you to live at home. But obviously it's quite easy to fool the system because we were not abusive by ANY stretch of the meaning of that term! We never smacked them or punished them in any way but you can say someone is abusive and you don't want to go into details and everyone seems to accept that?! Anyway we've heard from her siblings that she thinks we didn't have any sympathy for her (which I can accept because we just didn't KNOW what was going on with her) and that we were "mean" which I don't know what that means... So in the end, I still don't REALLY know why she left (except that she was influenced by her older sister) and that we weren't perceptive enough to see how serious her unhappiness was? Our other kids don't understand it either (except our eldest who blames us for everything still). I think at first she cut off contact with us because she was trying to get the funding to be able to live independently and she was sort of playing the role of someone with abusive parents and no where to go? And of course we thought she would come around eventually (i.e much sooner than 5 years!) but sadly it has gone on much longer than we thought it would. For a few years before this (when she was still friendly with us) she talked about wanting to move out and be independent - just to have her own place and be a grown-up really - and I said I totally understand but you'll have to wait a few more years - so it was something she always WANTED to do (her brother is a very independent person too and we tried to raise them that way - to be capable and self-sufficient). But I feel like she had to make us the "bad guys" to make her plan work - because my wife earns too much for them to get benefits until they're 21 (unless they're escaping an abusive household). Which is one of the serious limitations of our social security system - 21 is WAY too old to force kids to stay home... Sorry if this is such a long read! It's a complicated situation.
Hi Nameer! Thank you for sharing such a beautiful moment with us, and your story... It sounds like you and your wife love your daughter very much. I realize you're not asking for advice, so I will tread very gently here. But I will say that right now in life, I'm sort of in your daughter's position, I've had to put some distance between myself and my parents for a number of reasons. I think sometimes, between generations, definitions will change and evolve, including what people consider abusive. I talk to my father sometimes about how *he* grew up in the 1960's (with alcoholism and spousal violence involved), and yet I don't think he realizes how unhealthy most people today would view his upbringing... he just can't see it. It was "normal." My mother has an even rosier view of her upbringing in what I understand now was also probably a fairly unhealthy home. Obviously, I have no idea what it is your daughter experienced that has upset her so much.. But I hope that you guys can talk about these things one day and reconcile. You've obviously been very open and honest on here, and I think that will only help things when that time hopefully comes. I won't talk much more than that, but if there's anything you want to talk about further, by all means. Much love to you and your family -PBB
Thank you @Nameerf76 for sharing and hugs your way. It does seem like you love her very much and it's very painful, when family who you love a lot suddenly cuts contact, withouth you knowing the real reasons. In a sence I think I can understand your daughter. Maybe she did need that independence and one way to achieve that was to cut contact. I don't think that anyone is at fault in this story and people do make mistakes and don't always understand what is going through in someone's head, especially, if they don't communicate. It's all speculations though. I think that what makes you a good parent is to give that freedom and independence to her and you can be proud, that the way you raised her helped her possibly achieve that independence too. Maybe someday she will reconcile, but until then you can be proud and be there, if she decides to come back. We all have our own demons we deal with and sometimes we need to deal with it by ourselves independently and become stronger through that, even if it means our loved ones get hurt.
Thank you. Yes I understand that, I was terrified of my parents growing up and they always complain about how bad THEIR parents were - I can't imagine! The only real conflicts we had with our daughter were around us trying to get her to tidy her room! When it would get to the stage where there was moldy food and cockroaches... But we thought we were trying to teach her to look after herself and her space properly so she COULD get a rental place and not be thrown out! But I think she saw it as us picking on her and not on her brother (who is a fairly tidy person naturally!). Obviously we weren't aware of the depth of her unhappiness that was contributing to her untidiness... We were aware there was something going on but not how bad it must have been...
Thanks @Rayland - we honestly are proud of how independent she is and how she's organized all this to get what she wants - we know she's working and stays in contact with her siblings and is presumably, hopefully happy. It's just sad that she's had to cut us off to do it. Our son moved out and is doing very well but we were able to support him and buy him a car and help him with his yard and various "normal" stuff that parents do! I do know a number of other people in this situation, one friend didn't see his son for 16 years but he did come back, grandkids in tow! They get along very well now but they always have that missing block of time.
Okay, that makes much more sense now.. thank you. As someone who is normally pretty tidy I have a mess on my hands right now due to some mental blocks / depressive tendencies. Not to that level, but I can only imagine how your daughter was feeling. I guess it might be really hard to tell the difference between mental health issues, and a really messy kid at that age. But I've also had the experience of trying to explain certain problems to my parents, and not being understood at all, so I feel like I can understand your situation from both sides.
