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Just can't get over my ex.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Purplefrog, Feb 14, 2015.

  1. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    It was my first proper gay relationship, we were together just over 8 months, and broke up 8 weeks ago. It was a passionate/stormy relationship, but I am still deeply in love with her.

    Every fibre in my being is trying desperately not to contact her, but it is driving me insane. I miss her terribly, and right now I just want her back. In the period running up to the break up, I was undergoing a huge amount of stress relating to leaving my career, working as a temp and applying for jobs. In addition, I was having a real struggle in relation to my parents, and there was a lot of strain between me and them. She herself had her own reasons to be feelings to be stressed (which are private to her - and perfectly justifiable to be stressed out about).

    Now - I have found my niche in a new job I love and am naturally good at. I actually love getting up to go to work. Relationship with parents has stabilised- still not great, but have reached a quiet standstill. I am at peace for now with how things are with them. I've moved into a flat where I can have my own space and come and go as I please.

    We were living together owing to my own financial difficulties - and I think we both towards the end felt very trapped. We had moved in together when really we weren't ready. We stopped communicating, and we became emotionally distanced. I resented not having any autonomy or power in the flat. Throughout that whole time I felt pretty powerless, largely due to being in a situation where I was financially dependent on my girlfriend and painfully estranged from my family.

    Now so many things for me have changed, there is a part of me that thinks that maybe, just maybe things might work again. But I don't know whether I am fooling myself. I ended it, as I was miserable, so she might not be that receptive to me contacting her again out of the blue.

    But I know that I love her desperately; I know that it is not simply a matter of being lonely. I miss her smell, the way she moves, her company, our many interesting chats. I just miss her terribly, and nothing is alleviating it.
     
  2. Anthemic

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    When you broke up, did she seem upset? How did she react?
     
  3. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    She was initially very angry with me, and then a few days acknowledged she had her part to play in things going wrong. When I went to pick up a few things about a week later, I was quite tearful, and she said "you seem to assume that because I'm not crying, I don't feel anything" - I have never seen her cry about anything. Then a few days later we bumped into each other in a bar when we were out with a friend each. The chemistry between us was very obvious still - and my friend commented that we seemed to behave like a couple, i.e. very comfortable together and natural.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you still have feelings for her and you want to try again, get in touch. Start by touching base and see what sort of repsonse you get. There are no guarantees, but you will never know unless you try.

    The main thing is to learn from what happened. If you do get back together, you both need to find a way to deal with stressful issues when they arise (as they inevitably will) without turning against each other.
     
  5. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    Thanks. I texted her a general, light chatty message to ask how she was, and just got an equally light message back saying how she was and hoping my flat and new job going well - no actual conversation opening questions from her, and then she ended message with "take care", which makes me think she's not up for much dialogue ... I suspect if I push it any further she will not react very well.
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    Maybe not... today, but you have made contact, so it's a start.
     
  7. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    Thank you. Am torn between (wishfully thinking) hope, and the more in check with reality, despair. I don't want to start harassing her if she wants to be left alone, but neither do I want to just lie down and do nothing, if there is the potential that we could get back together.
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    Really, what is there to lose at this point? It doesn't sound like you are harassing her at all.. in actual fact, you have been trying to avoid contacting her "with every fibre of your being". I'm not suggesting you pester her endlessly, but if you genuinely regret breaking up, do something about it. Again, there are no guarantees of getting back together, but if you do nothing you can be absolutely certain that you will not be reconciled.
     
  9. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    Thanks again, Patrick. Have replied back with a brief update of my news, and ended with "it would be nice to catch up at some point". I think that's really as much as I can do; the ball is in her court.
     
  10. Anthemic

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    Any good news?
     
  11. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    Wasn't really expecting anything back, but the next morning got a text from her saying yes, and then giving days of when available/unavailable. She said she's busy this week and weekend, so we've arranged weekend after that.

    I'm not expecting anything from her; we had a couple of minor break ups before the BIG ONE in December - all initiated by me. She said after the last minor break up, that if I ever broke up with her again that would be it - which I took very seriously. Despite me doing the initiating of the break ups, she herself said that I always seem to be able to vocalise when things were going wrong between us.

    We have had problems, but it is quite hard to disentangle how much stress etc had a part to play in that - I was extremely unhappy in my career for the majority of our time together, chronically exhausted/depressed towards the end etc. Plus around that time I had a major falling out with my parents - largely to do with them foisting their agenda on me all these years, and me getting wise to it (sexuality, career etc). Then when I moved in with her, I had hit rock bottom. Now I'm in a job which is so much more effortless than my previous one - not in the sense of being lazy etc - but that it is just such a better fit than before.

    I feel I have my life back in so many ways now - but what is missing is her.

    Our relationship was not perfect by any means - and I was very unhappy towards the end. If we were to get anywhere towards getting back together, we would need to work through a lot of things that went wrong. I feel because I ended it, I have no right to ask her back. She may not even want to get back with me. I am torn because obviously deep down I want to be with her, but there is another part of me that doesn't want to compromise a potential friendship with her, if that's all we can be.
     
  12. Anthemic

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    I would still ask for one more chance. Tell her everything you just told us. It's definitely worth a shot. Don't give up on it just yet. :slight_smile:
     
  13. Purplefrog

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    Thanks - I'm that surprised to be honest that she said yes, but I don't want to blow it. I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than nothing, so I don't want to give her reason for us to go back to no contact. So I think my plan is to just let her take the lead, and see where the conversation goes.
     
  14. Anthemic

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    Ok well I hope things work out. Please keep me up to date. I'm rooting for ya! :slight_smile:
     
  15. Purplefrog

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    Quick update - she sent me a 'happy birthday' text this week, and we texted a couple of times back and forth as a result of that, which gave me a bit of a lift - but then again I don't want to read too much into it.

    Thoughts are now turning to next weekend, and where to go. I'm thinking somewhere we haven't been too before so it's not like old times, and on neutral ground. Want it to be quite relaxed, nice but not too swish (otherwise it stinks of date territory...) Also don't want to make a big deal of "where do you want to go"- because in a way I don't want to sound like I'm trying too hard, and then risk a friendship, if that's all we can be. Hmmm...
     
  16. PatrickUK

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    Well, it sounds promising, even if the result is only a return to friendship. Keep us posted.
     
  17. Purplefrog

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    An update on last night...

    We met for drinks, had a good time etc and went back to hers and chatted until the small hours. I opted to sleep in the front room - she offered for me to stay in her bed platonically, but I said that it would be too much temptation if I did. This then sparked conversation about "us", both later last night and today.

    I mentioned all the things I said above, and she said her part. We both I think are extremely cautious right now because of the previous hurt. So for now, we have agreed to hang out and see where that takes us - and to place an emphasis on really talking and listening to one another, and to proactively do things together which we will enjoy. So we have arranged to meet up next weekend to go for a walk with the dogs, and then go out to the pub for a meal after.

    So all in all - a good outcome, I think. Thanks for your support!
     
  18. PatrickUK

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    Sounds like a good outcome. :slight_smile:
     
  19. PeteNJ

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    That sound great! Similar trajectory here, too. Broke up with my ex and he moved out in December. I've been dating other men... and it only makes me miss him more.

    We share many social circles and groups and have made a point of avoiding eachother. A couple weeks back I invited him to dinner. And we've seen eachother 4 or 5 times since. Nothing romantic, sexual, but the chance to connect and not have the sh*t that caused the break be part of it. I figure if we anjoy eachothers company, have fun, then we'll see if there might be a restart of the relationship. Obviously it was not small stuff that ended things... and at some point we'll need to get to those things to move forward with a relationship, if at all.

    Wish you the best! /Pete