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Judgmental Friend

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by SecretlyKing, May 13, 2016.

  1. SecretlyKing

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Missouri
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    So, my friends only know me as genderfluid. All of them are accepting and all that. But one of the girls who seemed to be fine, who even referred to me as Lee (my gender-neutral and previously preferred name), started being a bit rude.

    I cosplay because it makes me feel much more comfortable to be a character rather than my confused self. I was also going through an intense gender dysphoric part of my life and put on a short black wig to cover my overly long hair. Instantly, she went after me and told me I looked horrible with short hair and should go with the pink past-waist length wig. We were going out in public and I openly expressed that I felt no where near comfortable with wearing the pink wig, but she insisted I would "actually look good" with it on.
    Another time this happened was when I "sneakily" changed my kik display name to Luke. Once again, she almost instantly messaged me to question my actions. If I remember what she said correctly, it was stuff like, "why /Luke/?", "what...uh what are you doing?", and she repeatedly referred to me as my feminine name, completely skipping the gender neutral name she used to call me. I ended up quickly changing my name back, and it seems like my worst fear (not being accepted) was realized and abused. These were not the only occurances.

    I don't really know what to do. She's still my friend now, I think. She's again mad at me for the 4th time the past two months. This time it's because I don't dress as a character who makes me uncomfortable to dress as. She does none of this to any of the other people in my grade or school who identify as something outside of their biological sex.
    I'm not really used to my friends hating on me, so what do I do? This also may not seem like the worst thing to happen, so I'm sorry about complaining.
     
    #1 SecretlyKing, May 13, 2016
    Last edited: May 13, 2016
  2. InfinityonHigh

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    Your friend isn't just "a bit rude," she's straight up manipulative. She's knowingly uses your vulnerabilities (like how she made you feel rejected) to try and control you and make you do things that she wants. You don't deserve this and you're not overreacting.

    I highly suggest you distance yourself from her; there's a number of ways to do this. If you simply go up to her (or just text/message) and say "I'm cutting you out of my life," I'd be concerned that she would say something like "you'll have no friends!!" or something like "nobody will want to be friends with you!" Etc. Another thing would be to just start avoiding her without making any blatant statements, like spending less time with her and gradually reply slower and slower to her messages. However, in the end it's you that makes the final decision on how you handle this. Is there a trusted adult you'd be ok with talking about this situation? Though I realize you're really out to many people. It can be difficult trying to manage this situation by yourself. Do any of your other supportive friends know about this?

    My main point is that what she's doing is not okay and you have every right to feel upset. As to how you can deal with this problem, I'm not too certain on what would be best. Hope this helps.
     
    #2 InfinityonHigh, May 13, 2016
    Last edited: May 13, 2016
  3. TheSideKick

    Regular Member

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    I feel you buddy, I'm actually still trying to get my friends to use my other name, but so far they haven't caught on.

    From what I can tell your friend seems to be to used to seeing you as female and is confused on seeing anything else. Which is natural as people usually don't like change, but it's sometimes necessary in order to grow. You should find time to have a personal chat with her and explain how you rather display as male instead of female all the time because if you try to keep this to yourself it's going to blow over later(trust me I tried to avoid talks and it just made things worse) She may not understand at first, but hopefully she will stick with you anyways as a good friend should. If she still pressures you about what you should and shouldn't wear then keep away, what you wear is up to you whether that be a cosplay character or just everyday clothing.

    That's all I have to say, but if you have any more questions I'll attempt to help. Good luck, dude and remember regardless of your gender or what anyone says, rock that cosplay
    (P.S. Nice profile picture, fan of Ib too?)
     
  4. JessicaJones

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    Sounds like she may have some anxiety about losing some aspect of your friendship if you express a more masculine gender?
     
  5. darkcomesoon

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    Would you feel comfortable talking to her? She might not realize she's doing anything wrong. Obviously, she is being incredibly rude and disrespectful, but she still might not realize it's hurtful. If it turns out she's doing it on purpose or if she refuses to stop, she's not worth being friends with. Friends that hurt you and don't care aren't actually friends.