1) 20 Oct 2017 a) From the book Boys Like Us, Gay Writers Tell Their Coming Out Stories, coming out story by Rodney Christopher, titled, Explaining It To Dad. i) Pg 303: Words by the writer, “(cute guy) would catch my eye” & “images of love and sex (with guys)” & “I worked hard to suppress my desires (with guys)” & “I believed no one in my world would understand my feelings, but then, neither did I” (1) In the margin, with a fine point mechanical pencil I hand wrote the words, (a) I had no feeling(s). Numb, thanks to the boarding school my MOM sent me to. (in a nut shell my perception, I was sent to the boarding school for what happened between me and another 14 year old guy) It’s the perfect combo. a) turn off explore & discover, b) numb feelings, c) turn off self reflect. d) turn on never hurt / cross mom again. (b) c) and d) were added after reading a few more pages. I came back to pg 303, and jutted c) & d) down. (2) Many of the writers had, maintained their ability to self reflect. This function was TURNED OFF IN ME. (3) This function was turned off by mom when I was 14-15.5 years of age. Yup over the cute 14 guy incident. (4) I would be stuck with a childhood understanding of intimacy for nearly my whole life – sex is dirty, the rectum is a dirty area, keep it clean that’s all, the penis is for peeing. Follow up comment. I have solved (present a theory) via journaling and reading gay coming out stories, something very important to me. How did this happen to me? Well my ability to "SELF REFLECT" was turned off. Turned off when I was ~14. Only to be turned on after my mom died. Follow up part 2. The boarding school semi specialized in troubled youth. A place one was sent if one did something wrong. There were beatings, ridicule, sometimes being made to stand naked and whipped (yes true). much, much more.
