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Jotting down some thoughts

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Jaylah, Jun 24, 2020.

  1. Jaylah

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    31
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    6
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you, Beth, your support is greatly appreciated.

    Sadly I don't have any friends I could come out to. I have a strange relationship to female clothes, on the one hand it feels good to wear them, because they express my inner self, but unfortunately, they also underline all the bits that I'm missing, thus worsening the dysphoria.

    I will definitely ask my therapist to call me by my female name when I see her, I bet it will be an interesting mix of emotions, a bittersweet rush of joy. I get little hints of it now and then, as I've privately begun to refer to myself with my female name, and it always elicits a little spark of joy in me to hear it. The fact that I get such a response is what has made this whole thing "real" to me, and why I felt so bad last night. Sleep deprived, tired, I watched the thing I had denied for so long ring true, and suddenly I was faced with the enormity of the task ahead of me. The rocky road I'd have to traverse, the family members I might lose along the way.

    It's been an interesting roller-coaster for sure.
     
  2. Jaylah

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    31
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    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I had 2 dreams, in the first dream I was being chased around by a self-proclaimed rapist, no matter what I did, he just kept popping right back up, I'd lose him, fight him, whatever and there he'd be around the next corner like an unstoppable terminator. I couldn't figure out what that dream was all about, I knew that being chased around by someone meant that my subconscious was trying to message me that I was trying to run away from something, but what that something was I couldn't fathom.

    So after staying awake for couple of hours and wracking my brain over it, I gave up and just told my subconscious that it would have to show me what it meant, because I wasn't getting the message. Cue dream number 2:

    A lot of seemingly unimportant stuff happened, just me living as a woman, I suppose.

    The message came at the very end of the dream, I was cornered by a bunch of guys, who made comments about me being a fairy, then they said something derisive about me being happy about getting a new dress and then the veiled threats started. They threatened me with violence, rape and murder, and I could see the sadistic glee in their eyes, and then for the first time in a long while, my male persona made an appearance once more. He wasn't terrified, he was cool, calm and extremely threatening. He made the bullies back away, and I understood what it was that I had been ignoring.

    I was an exceptionally kind child, didn't want to see anyone or anything suffer, if there were any flies that were pestering me I'd catch them and release them back in the wild. I couldn't go fishing with my grandpa, because I couldn't handle the worms or the fish being hurt. I was a real ray of sunshine, just a happy, kind, loving little kid. And that was taken from me, by bullies, all over.

    I was bullied just about everywhere I went, threats and actual acts of violence became the norm, my stuff being stolen or sabotaged wasn't unusual, even got some threats of being raped.

    I grieved losing my kind self and loathed the monster these people were turning me into. I became the exact opposite of what I had once been, a cruel, cold, scary person, willing to kill if necessary, an enraged beast that wanted to watch the world burn and one that took great delight in the suffering of others.

    I didn't have to fight anymore. People left me alone, and any bullies that came my way, I could just stare them down. I like to imagine that they could see the very real killing intent in my eyes and thought bugging me just wasn't worth the hassle.

    This guy I had become was both my protector and my jailer. He was the prison I had built around myself in order to survive, and if I was to continue transitioning, I'd have to dismantle it. I wouldn't be able to call upon him in the future to protect me, I'd be vulnerable once more. If I were to live as my true self, as a woman, I wouldn't be able to stare down any potential harassers anymore, like I had done in the past.

    I once made a vow to myself: "I would never allow myself to be bullied ever again, I'd rather see the world burn than enter that hell ever again, no matter the cost, nobody messes with me!".

    And that's where the dysphoria comes in, I look in the mirror and just see some scary mofo, a far cry from the "pretty princess" that I want to be. I've read about the experiences of other trans women in my area, and according to them getting hormones is not easy. There is a lot of gate-keeping going on and it could take literal years before the medical staff deigns to allow you to start the hormonal treatments. I feel like I'm suffocating in my own skin, I've lost the best years of my life to that monster in the mirror, and now I might have to wait a few more years?

    Years during which the medical staff will make jump through hoops and try to trip me up to prove that I'm not "trans enough" to deserve treatment. All the while testosterone ravages my body more and more, all the while I have to look at that face in the mirror that I no longer recognize as my own. It feels like I'm dying of thirst and I see a lovely glass of water that could slake my thirst, but as I reach for it some guy snatches it out of my reach and goes "Tut, tut, first we got to make sure that you're thirsty enough!"

    This sounds like bullying to me. Bullying by the very people who are supposed to ease your suffering. How perverse. I've failed my promise to myself, I am completely at the mercy of the system, a system that can deny my right to exist if I fail to be "feminine enough". This the same bullshit that I had to endure growing up, having to prove that "I'm man enough" so that I'm allowed to exist.
     
  3. chicodeoro

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    85
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    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi Jaylah,

    Being bullied as a child is traumatic, no question. Being a young male means building up a psychic defensive shield, but all too often that comes at the price of our own emotional health. I believe feeling that vulnerability is the only way to truly grow as a person and open ourselves up to both love and the sweet joy of living authentically. The alternative is to live a half-life, perpetually scared of what others think of you and what they could do to you.

    I don't know where you are in Europe, but if it's anything like the UK gender transitioning via the established health services is a very long, laborious and frustrating process (I'm certain your glass of water metaphor rings true for many UK transwomen!) Unless you have considerable savings there's no way round that. In the meantime, the therapy you say you're starting next week will help, definitely. But do you have any other support? You've said you have no friends to come out to - are there any local LGTB groups you could join, even if it is just virtually (none of the ones in London are meeting in real life yet). It is an incredibly daunting journey that people like us are undertaking but my experience so far is that knowing you have allies, friends who have got your back, makes it sooo much easier.

    Don't be downhearted. You have allies here on EC and you will find others as your journey continues.
    Beth