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Jotting down some thoughts

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Jaylah, Jun 24, 2020.

  1. Jaylah

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    It's 2 AM as I write this, been driven out of bed by the woman inside of me, she won't let me rest.
    I say that, but really it's more of a vague feminine energy that has recently taken over me. I guess she is done being ignored?

    A little bit of background, I've never been a manly guy, ever since I was a little kid I've constantly been told to "man up" "act more like a man" etc. my grandfather especially would not tolerate any femininity in a boy, being a hard boiled soldier. He tried to teach me to be a man and when I showed disinterest, he'd get frustrated and threaten me with violence. He'd chase me around the house with his walking cane in one hand, yelling what a thrashing he'd give me if he caught me.

    Speaking of those words: "man up" "be a man" etc. I've always hated them. My reaction has always been: "No thanks, you keep your stifling gender roles to yourself, thank you!" but of course I never vocalized this opinion.

    I guess I was around 11 years old, when a friend of mine told me about one of his sexual fantasies, in which he took the role of the woman. For some reason this really resonated with me. I can't say what I really felt all those years ago, but it stuck with me. I used to indulge in that fantasy every so often and then feel great shame about it, after all it went against everything I'd been taught. But I always came back to it.

    I also had a dream, but I can't remember how old I was when I had it, it was my first ever sexual dream, so I must've been very young. I've forgotten most of the details pertaining to the dream, but the core remains: a bunch of women caught up with me and apologized for the mix-up. "What sort of mix-up?" I queried as they gathered around me forming a circle. "You weren't supposed to be come out this way" They cast some sort of spell, I guess, as I quickly found myself cocooned. It didn't take long, the transformation happened quickly and I stepped out of my cocoon as a girl. The women smiled, "This is the real you, who you've always been". Unfortunately, I couldn't question the women in my dream any more as that's where the dream ended. I was shook and confused. That dream felt different than all the other dreams I'd had up until that point. It haunted me. I guess it was a pretty powerful experience considering I still remember it decades after.

    My teenage years were not easy. I got bullied a lot for my lack of masculinity. I guess the peer pressure of those years got to me, and I finally caved in and developed a heterosexual cismale identity like was expected of me. I buried my feminine energy deep.

    In my late teens or perhaps my early twenties, I could feel that energy emerge again. I was preening in front of a web camera, feeling really cute, playing with my hair when my father walked in. He gave me the dirtiest, most disappointed look ever. I couldn't bear it. Be a man. Act like a man. Those lessons that had been drilled into me once again reared their ugly head and I yielded.

    The next decade went by in a fog. I don't really have any memories of my twenties. I remember falling for a man, and fantasizing about him for months, but I brushed that aside, ignored my feelings, since I was now commited to my role as a heterosexual cisman. I had plenty of other problems to keep me occupied during that decade, so every other issue was pushed to the background.

    A year or so ago, my body started scheming against me. My hormonal balance was totally off-kilter. My testosterone was nonexistent and I had female pregnancy hormones running through my system. I started growing breasts. The fact that I was growing breasts, made me feel happy somewhere deep in my soul but I had a role to play, as a man, so I went to the doctor and I got medication to even out the hormonal storm that was raging inside of me. I thought that'd be the last of that, and with the medication I'd be able to keep up appearances for the rest of my life. Keep on fooling everyone, myself most of all.

    Then a month ago my heterosexual identity suffered a fatal blow. I could no longer find women sexually attractive, no matter how hard I tried. Instead I kept on fantasizing about men. I guess it started some sort of domino effect in me, as that long ignored feminine energy burst on the scene once again. "Oh great, not bad enough that I'm gay now, I'm one of those campy feminine gays" I thought to myself. And this is where it gets confusing. I can't tell if I'm just a feminine gay man or a heterosexual woman. I don't feel revulsion when I look down at my genitals. I don't really feel much anything, occasionally I might feel disappointment, but I'm in no rush to have my dick chopped off.

    Which brings us to tonight. Why I'm up at... well 3 am now, writing this. Ousted from my bed by this feminine energy inside of me. I imagined having a conversation about my life with my mother, and to the question "what do you want from your life" I answered: "I want a hourglass figure, I want breasts, I want to wear pretty dresses and make-up and I want a husband, someone to call me their darling wife" And that really shook me.

    I can't be transgender, right? This has to be something else. What if I'm just a transvestite or something else entirely? Deluded, maybe? I feel like I insult every person going through actual body dysmorphia by even thinking that my situation might somehow equate to theirs. Also I'm terrified.
    I'm going to buy a wig and some make-up and look at the person in the mirror, and hope against hope that I don't find myself looking back. That my initial thought won't be: "Yeah, that's me. I'm home."
     
  2. ChescaC

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    I’m going to quote one of my poems here:
    “…To the young woman who so wished to be in dresses and skirts, instead of suits and trousers…”
    Does this sound familiar?
    Before I came out as Trans Gender, I did have periods of transvestism. Granted I was “Girl Moding” it during these periods(always at night or when not working). I didn’t know it initially, but I felt complete when I did it.
    I haven’t mentioned it here yet, but one of those dreams you had when younger, the one of being cocooned and emerging as a girl, I had a similar one. In this dream the cocoon was mechanical, and was offered up by my fifth grade principal. The result of the change was tall, slim, beautiful.
    It’s normal to be terrified. I was scared during that month between my suicide attempt(something key to my change) and when I had my Phoenix Day. Even then, after I came to accept myself, I was terrified. I didn’t know how people would accept me.
    You are scared of finding yourself in the mirror. Hope against hope that you find Yourself.
    To close out, I’m going to share another of my poems:
    From Am I to I am
    How simple the transposition of two little words is on paper. How difficult it is to actually accept. It is not an easy thing to do. But when it happens, it is amazing.

     
    #2 ChescaC, Jun 24, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2020
  3. Jaylah

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    Exactly.
    There are a lot of religious conservatives around where I live. I could maybe handle being gay, I could stay in stealth.
    However if I went out there, looking like a man who is trying to pass as a woman, then things could get dangerous for me.
    I know these highly religious types. I'd be lucky if all I get is being called "an abomination" and getting the stink-eye wherever I go.
    It is completely possible they'd try to kill me instead. You know, because they're such good people, and they need to protect the morals of society and especially the children. Can't have this guy walking around looking like that. Must protect the children.
    From that evil pervert. That's what righteous people do, or that's the story they tell themselves.
    These are the sort of people who think stabbing their daughters/wives to death is O.K. if they've brought dishonor to their family.
     
  4. chicodeoro

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    Oh Jaylah so much of what you have written resonates with me. It sounds that, like me, you have buried your true feminine self for a very long time. Your beautiful dream is hugely significant, I think. Have you ever discussed any of this in therapy?

    I have been through a lot of these same thought processes in the last few weeks. Like you, I had a late night epiphany when I added up a whole load of stuff about myself, looked into that deep dark truthful mirror and realised I was transgender. Weeks later there is a still a part of me that is asking myself 'am I deluded?', 'are you sure this isn't just crossdressing?' But I think I know now in my heart of hearts who I am and that I have to confront this.

    As Chesca said, it's perfectly normal to be terrified. Who wouldn't be?

    As for the dysmorphia, as many trans people on EC will attest you don't have to have dysmorphia to be trans. Myself, I didn't really have any understanding of what the phrase meant at all until that moment when I had my epiphany. That's when it started. But everybody's experience is unique.

    What I will say is while you're figuring all this out do some research, find some support. There are a lot of kind souls here on EC. There may be other forums wherever you live - you don't mention where in Europe you are. I'm in the UK so I have regularly been calling the LGTB switchboard here and their volunteers have been amazing. Just talking about my feelings honestly with LGTB folk who know and have been through it all has been invaluable for me. I'm sure that wherever you are there is a similar service.

    Good luck and stay strong,
    Beth
     
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  5. Jaylah

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    Thanks for your kind words, Beth.

    When I was younger, I sorta "came out" to my best friend at the time. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
    He looked at me with absolute disgust, called me a "fag" and physically assaulted me. Needless to say, our friendship ended that night.
    That broke my heart and trust in other people, but one experience in particular made me really wary of other men.

    I was abroad with a group of people, and at the hotel we were staying at I ran into this guy.
    He just straight up walked up to me and said: "I know where you're staying. I'm gonna sneak into your room at night, when nobody is watching, bind you and rape you, little girl." Then he gave me a wicked grin and walked away.
    I couldn't believe what had just happened. I couldn't believe that I could draw such animosity from people, by just being me.
    He didn't go through with his threat, thank goodness, but I certainly didn't get much sleep for the remainder of that trip.

    I guess I'm a little stuck in the past, I need to deal with all this past trauma, before I can move on. I guess this is a good thing, I'd never realized before how much unresolved fear there was in me before all of this.
     
  6. ChescaC

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    I get where you’re coming from, but there are times where we have to weigh things in life. Ask yourself:
    Do I wish to live my true happiness?
    The answer to that question should always be yes. Our own happiness should always come before what others would think.

    I get that fear your in. This fear of being rejected, of being shunned. I do get it, I was nearly buried because of it.
    But you’d be surprised how many people accept you with open arms:
    One wonderful woman, whom Saw me the first time she saw me(yes, I use capitalization to indicate a difference) told me after I came out to her: oh, I know. You were just blocking.
    Another person(the first person I told, in point of fact), his reaction initially when I told him I had something important to tell him: oh crap, Frankie’s going to jail and needs bail money. (When he found out the truth): I’m so proud of you!
     
  7. chicodeoro

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    Jaylah, reading this breaks my heart. How unspeakably awful that the first time you try and step out of the closet you're literally thumped back in.

    Facing up to all this is really tough but it's the first step, I think, to accepting who you really are. I am only in the foothills of all this too. I've only just had my referral for therapy, which is probably 4 - 8 weeks away. In the meantime I'm slowly coming out and trying to talk to people who know about all this and who can offer me the support I need.

    Take your time. As Chesca said think about what will really make you happy. Have a dig around this forum - there is a lot of good advice from people who have had similar experiences to you. And take no notice of the bigots who would judge you.

    Beth
     
  8. Jaylah

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    A dream I had. Not sure if this is PG or not, I know if I didn't skip the details it would be very NSFW. I don't quite know it's significance yet, but I felt the need to write it down.

    As I was falling asleep, I could feel something tugging my scalp. "Long hair? How?" I ran my hand through my imaginary hair and could actually feel it there. "Huh, that's new. What's that supposed to mean?" I mused as I drifted off to sleep.

    I found myself in a restaurant with my deceased father. Can't remember the topic of the conversation, but it doesn't matter.
    Soon we were joined by an unknown man. Somehow the man and I ended up flirting with each other. He wasn't really all that handsome, but he had a mischievous glint in his eye and a surprisingly magnetic smile. He asked to me to come with and I excused myself from the table, telling my father that I'd be right back. I had a notion that the guy wanted sex, and I was feeling horny, so I wasn't opposed to the idea. We show up at his place and there are two other guys there, sitting by a counter, engaged in conversation, or maybe roleplay. My guy interjects, seemingly uttering some sort of coded message. The two guys look at each other, then look at me, ask me if I'm into that. I have no idea what they're talking about, but I play along and agree. They smile to each other, get up and show me inside.

    I'm feeling really excited. I thought I was going to do it with one guy, but now there are three. I get down to business, I have no inhibitions and I'm really good at what I do. They compliment me on my skills. None of this feels like a dream, it feels like reality. The smells, the tastes, the texture, the heat of the bodies, it's all there. I'm shocked as more guys pour in. "So this is where the party's at?" one of them quips. I'm starting to feel like I've made a huge mistake. I try to object, I didn't agree to this many guys, this seems like a sure-fire method of catching an STD. Some of them comment on my uppity attitude and tell me to just get on with it.
    The situation spirals out of control, as soon as I'm done with a bunch of guys, they're replaced with more guys.
    Whatever pretense of respect they had for me at the start of all this is gone, they call me all kinds of unflattering names, I'm no longer a person to them, just a piece of meat.

    "ENOUGH!" I yell. "I'm done"
    "Yes you are, honey. You're finished. Donezo. Nobody will ever take you seriously again." a voice pipes up from the back of the room.
    A woman I hadn't noticed is standing there with a camcorder. "I've got it all here, you're going to be famous!" She says and taps the device. I look at her in utter disbelief. "Wait... I know you... you're... Inner Woman! Why have you done this to me!"
    "I've ruined the reputation of your male persona, you'll never hold a job again, unless you feel like working full-time for the porn industry. People will jeer at you as you walk down the street. You have no other option but to change who you are!"
    Her words shock me, she has played me. She is correct.
    At this point the "camera" pans from my perspective to a sightly elevated bird's eye view, as I look up and my body begins to change.
    With no other recourse, my days as a man are done, I take on the form of the Inner Woman.

    The dream ends and I wake up still tasting the sex in my mouth. I'm shocked at how real it all felt like, not like my usual dreams. I usually forget a dream I had in about 30 seconds, but this one has permanently lodged itself into my memory. It's the middle of the night, but I'm having trouble falling back asleep. I'm feeling puzzled and like a total degraded slut, even though I haven't even done anything. I can't believe I had that in me. How am I supposed to take all this? As a warning? A sign of empowerment? Dream interpretation is so hard, but even so, I can't shake the feeling that it was supposed to be meaningful, more than just a naughty dream.
     
  9. chicodeoro

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    When did you have this dream Jaylah? Is this something recent or something from years ago? In an earlier post you mention about how your heterosexual identity 'took a fatal blow'. Did this dream contribute to it?

    Again, I'm no psychiatrist but I would say it's definitely significant. Have you ever talked about it with a therapist?

    Beth
     
  10. Jaylah

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    That post was stuck in moderation limbo for a couple days, so I'd say it was from half a week ago, and my realization that I'm solely into men came earlier. I still can't tell if I'm a homosexual male or a heterosexual woman, since I'm having a hard time imagining myself having sex with men. I know that if I did, I really wouldn't want them to touch my penis, I'd want them to pretend it's not even there. So it was interesting having a dream, where my male self behaved in such promiscuous manner.

    I have days where I'm perfectly fine with my body being the way it is, and there are days when I touch my hairy body and feel almost like crying. I don't have huge muscles, never worked out, the thought of getting big muscles repulsed me. People give me shit for my feminine arms, but personally I love them. If there was some sort of magical button I could push that would turn me into a full woman, I'd press it in a heartbeat.
    Still, when I think about all the money I'd have to spend on new clothes and accessories despair sets in. Not to mention how transgender people can be treated like less than human in my country, they can actually be denied medical assistance, if the medical practitioner isn't O.K. with treating transgender patients. That's messed up.

    I've bought a wig, haven't put it on yet, still haven't bought make-up. I want to look as beautiful as I can the first time I put it on. Going to need to learn all kinds of make-up tricks to make my face look as feminine as possible. I'm also going to buy a corset and a dress, a little short on money right now, so that's probably going to take a while.
     
  11. Bri2020

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    I'm so identifying with you right now. I just "came out" to myself this week at age 53 and hate myself for not doing so sooner. The only difference in our stories is I no longer am sexually attracted to anyone- rather feel like all those years of not being me has sapped my sexuality out of me. I'm hoping that acceptance that I'm a trans woman may lead to a renewed sexuality. I too had a "cocoon dream. In my case it was aliens (I was 10 or so) that took me and metamorphosed me into a beautiful girl. I continued having these dreams for years but social/family stigmatism's/fear made me bury it. I've done the dress up (still do since I haven't come out publicly) which is the only time I feel 'right" and joyful. I wish you luck in your journey.