My old account was so old that I just made a new one instead...and I'm pretty sure this is the third time I've come out as anything. Does it ever end? lol I remember coming here a long time ago to explore a trans/FTM identity. It was sort of short-lived, because then I found some transgender forums, and the rest is history. I'm still trans, but non-binary instead. It's too complicated to describe in detail, but I have something that suits me, that I more or less settled in, with the exception of a slightly incomplete feeling. Now I feel like the final piece of the puzzle has been placed, but it's freaking me out. I already identified as pansexual, but now I'm trying to release some deeply-hidden internalized homophobia that I only just realized still exists. I've been going into online lesbian spaces to explore this, and I really connect with the people there. Then I saw someone say that butches aren't simply masculine women, they "perform masculinity for women" and something just clicked. Uh, a lot of somethings clicked. 99% of the freaking out is due to an amicable breakup I recently had with a 3-year boyfriend. I think we were both dreaming of getting back together permanently one day, but if I secretly ONLY like women / NOT cis men, then goodbye dreams... (Since age is relevant here, we're both over 35.) The other 1% is just the general freakout that comes with new self-discovery, plus a hint of "what if I lied about being trans this whole time? What if I can't use that identifier anymore?" Because I don't know if you know this, but in the trans community--and especially where it intersects with the lesbian community--if you aren't trans, then you are cis, and if you refuse to label yourself cis and admit that you have cis privilege, then you are The Enemy. I didn't make this rule, I just see others enforce it. I think it's stupid and too binary, but I'm just one person, so. Well, I'm hoping that this forum will help me explore lesbian culture a little better, but I still don't feel like a "woman," so pardon me while I continue to straddle that "not woman/man/trans enough" line a bit longer.
