I've just told my wife I am gay

Nope. 59 here. Came out when I was 54.

 

Struggling with being Married and Gay

I am new and this is my first post.

First, thanks for all the advice I have seen and incredible compassion I have seen on these forums. Going though these identity struggles is not easy and seeing others with similar issues and their advice is very comforting.

My Story: I am in my early 50’s, married for 20 years with two teenage boys. I started looking at gay internet porn about 7 years ago, and realized to myself about three years ago that “wow, maybe I’m gay!” I kept this secret from my wife until she discovered me on the computer two months ago. We had a big fight, and I found that I could not admit to being gay, but did admit to being “possibly bi”. I am currently seeing a therapist, and am struggling with my true feelings.

Deep down, I think that most likely I am gay, but I have had 35 years of fairly successful denial that is difficult to switch off. I clearly married my wife out of love, and did not have clear feelings of being gay at the time (however, looking back there were subtle signs—more attraction to shirtless men in advertising and work out magazines than looking at the women’s Swim Suit issues—“but this is normal for straight men” said a lot of what I was reading at the time in the ‘80’s). I did have an early gay encounter before marriage that left me puzzled, but I did not pursue this line of thought.

I am still struggling with admitting to being gay, more out of fear of the consequences, than admitting to myself my true feelings. I am now trying to come to terms with what this means for our marriage, which will probably end in divorce. I know that I need to come out to my wife, and will do so after the Holidays. She knows that I am struggling, as I have shared with her that I am waging a violent internal war, where one day I feel I am gay, and the next I am looking for reasons that I am not.

One of the most confusing things published in the literature is the concept of internet porn addiction, and the idea that straight men can be addicted to gay porn. I do not believe that I am addicted, and neither does my therapist, (more likely a gay man trapped in a heterosexual marriage), but I feel the need to examine this issue as my wife is convinced I am under the influence of addiction. I have begun attending SAA meetings to help me understand how I may be the same or different than other sex addicts, and hope that this will give me clarity and the strength to admit where I am in this murky world of sexual identity to my family. This is a difficult journey. As a married man, I cannot fully explore my identity (and remain faithful to my wife) before making some hard decisions and declaring a truth that will have major consequences me and my family.

 

Wow. That took an amazing amount of courage. And your wife is a champ for being so accepting.