1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RJay, Jun 18, 2017.

  1. Soundofmusic

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2015
    Messages:
    332
    Likes Received:
    79
    Location:
    Caribbean
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    You have to be careful though, because it's like she's a drug and you're getting your fix and when you do, everything is right for a bit but then you need another fix again.

    When I was in a similar emotional relationship (and couldn't figure out what she wanted from me as there were MIXED AS HECK signs), I read an article about the "relationship slot machine". I can't find the exact article, but I'd encourage you to read into that, because I have to say that it helped me greatly to understand my behavior and adjust my expectations. Here's an excerpt from a book on the topic that might help:

    From the book "should I stay or should I go":
    upload_2017-8-7_8-53-43.png
     
  2. RJay

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2017
    Messages:
    489
    Likes Received:
    425
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    The slot machine is a brilliant analogy. So is the idea that V is my drug of choice. OMG, being in her presence (and especially touching her even in the tame way I do) is such a rush... it really does feel like getting high.

    So yesterday, I was feeling like I need to go on a road trip. So, today, I'm packing up my son and going up to my piano teacher's house in western Mass. We'll spend two nights and I'll play for my teacher and get a good ego boost from him. He *loves* me. Then I also arranged to be away in New Hampshire and Maine from the 16th to 22nd. I'm going to reconnect with some really wonderful old friends that I was out of touch with for YEARS.

    Interesting story about the friend I'm going to see in NH. When I met her, I was 19. She's a bit older so she was maybe 26 or 27. At the time she was married to a man, but they also had a "girlfriend" that lived with them. Very open marriage, and my friend is bisexual. She's on her 3rd husband since then, lol, and I don't know if she's been with any more women since those days. Our relationship was ridiculously intense. She is a pianist too, and we studied with the same teacher. She took me under her wing, kind of, and I started spending every spare minute with her. We spent a few years absolutely inseparable. She got rid of the girlfriend, and the whole circle of friends we had assumed we were a couple. But we weren't. It *never* went there. We were utterly dependent on each other emotionally, though. Looking back, I get she was my "relationship" at the time thought it never got physical. She used to say it was a shame I wasn't gay, haha.

    Anyway, I reached out to her recently, because I completely cut her out of my life about 15 years ago (even though we hadn't been close for a while before that), and I apologized and I told her all my "news". She is thrilled for me, and asked me up to her place right away. I'm looking forward to the amazing conversations we are sure to have.

    In the same vein, I had lunch the other day with *another* woman friend I cut out of my life ALSO about 15 years ago. OMG, she is this absolutely gorgeous pianist that I was in grad school with and in retrospect was completely out of my mind over. At the time, I used to fly off the handle with her at the least little slight I perceived... like if she changed plans with me because of a guy. It got really bad because I was at her beck and call to help her with all her problems (sound familiar?) and then I'd get fits of jealousy when she didn't spend "enough" time with me. (How did I not figure out my gayness?!). ANYWAY.... I asked her out to lunch after not seeing her in about 15 years. I told her *everything* including how I obviously felt about her. She was amazing. So happy for me to have figured this out. So sweet about everything. So encouraging.

    It has been such a relief to come out to these women from my past. I'm getting closure on all these tortured relationships that used to confuse the hell out of me. I just thought I was really bad at friendship because for "some reason" I'd get too attached and jealous. (Again, way to be perceptive RJ!) At this point, I've come out to FOUR women that I look back and know I had feelings for and acted very angrily towards. I've been completely honest with them all, asked forgiveness for being so crazy, and in every case they've told me they love me, they are proud of me, they think I'm brave, they are happy to have me back in their lives, and they know I'll have happiness with a relationship because of all my amazing qualities, etc. All four have been amazing.
     
    #562 RJay, Aug 7, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2017
  3. Soundofmusic

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2015
    Messages:
    332
    Likes Received:
    79
    Location:
    Caribbean
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    That's amazing to read! It's wonderful that you're reconciling with your past and being honest with yourself and the people who were collateral damage.

    I'm excited to hear how your mini vacays will go. I think they'll do you WONDERS! Yay!
     
  4. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    9,067
    Likes Received:
    618
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey RJay, I'm so happy you have made plans. I also want you to bookmark this page and every time you have a thought which is along the lines of 'why would she want to be friends with me' you should come back and read the above paragraph. Particularly the last bits.
     
  5. Moonsparkle

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2017
    Messages:
    324
    Likes Received:
    183
    Location:
    Northeast US
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    RJay I love this!

    Do you realize in this whole post you barely mentioned V? It was all about YOU! Yay! And suddenly we get to hear about all these OTHER wonderful people you have in your life. See, I KNEW there was more stuff you loved than just V! I am really happy for you and your choice to go on these trips--I'm sensing just getting away and connecting with others is going to shift your perspective a bit.

    Enjoy your tour of New England! (And don't forget to hit the Kittery Outlets while you're in Maine. You're shaking things up a bit, why not shake up your wardrobe at outlet prices while you're at it!)

    @Soundofmusic -thanks for posting the slot machine excerpt. It IS the best analogy! You know I will be printing and posting that somewhere! :slight_smile:
     
  6. RJay

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2017
    Messages:
    489
    Likes Received:
    425
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Feeling like you guys need an update! I've chatted with a couple of you about the latest, but may as well update the thread...

    V called me Wednesday night at 8pm to say she was pulling into a parking spot a block from me with her kids. They were unexpectedly staying at her apartment for a night before heading back to the Hamptons in the morning. She asked me to grab my kid and meet them at the car and go to a playground or something so we could spend at least 30 minutes together. Never EVER have I dropped everything so fast. It was my kid's bedtime and he was tired, and I just grabbed him and ran out the door. We had driven back from Massachusetts earlier, and frankly I was tired too, but are you kidding?! We got to their car in about 3 minutes, and we took the kids to a playground and made them play tag until well past dark so we could talk. It was so crazy. The kids were so tired and melting down, and she and I kept kind of forcing them to play. We were the only ones still at the playground. We wound up spending an hour together. And yes, there was a lot more hugging and kissing on the cheeks and me running my hands through her hair. And after we went to our homes and our kids were asleep, we texted back and forth for another straight hour. (Mostly divorce stuff, but V was really interested in hearing all about what I'm doing.) And we saw them briefly again Thursday morning to send them off with more of the requisite hugging. I almost passed out afterwards. Honestly, I think I forget to breathe sometimes when she's in front of me, and I get all light-headed.

    I really don't know what the hell is going on. And I'm thinking that when I reach the breaking point, I may just try to kiss her so she knows I'm dead serious. We've talked so much about how we both fight our feelings all the time and get too wrapped up in our brains -- in thinking things through too much and second-guessing our instincts because of everything that has happened to us. So, in that spirit, I am thinking the best thing to do is just lay it ALL on the table in a BIG way and see what happens. I figure that the worst case scenario is she pushes me away and says she isn't interested in a physical relationship with me. Then at least I'll *know* and we can work out how to structure our friendship, if possible, from there. I don't want to lose her and her kids completely, but given that she has put up with my attention this far, I don't think she will shut me out completely no matter what I say or do as long as I don't get totally crazy. She MUST already realize that I can't keep my eyes and my hands off her. Unless she really is clueless and oblivious. But she is so smart and intense, I just can't imagine she hasn't noticed despite her amazing ability to pretend like nothing is happening. If she is totally in denial that I'm in love with her, once I make it crystal clear, I hope she can realize that she is partially responsible for letting it get so far that I would think it's feasible to make a big move. She can't seem to put any distance between us, and on the contrary keeps doubling down on our relationship no matter what I say and do! And the kids!!! Her daughters are sooooooo attached to me. They tell me they love me, beg me for hugs and kisses, I carry the little one everywhere, and they cry whenever we say goodbye. And they have been through a lot... losing their dad, their babysitter, other friends that have recently moved away. V is feeling horribly for them that they keep losing people they love.

    But then I think I should NOT be thinking this way... I should NOT put her in an uncomfortable situation. But, honestly she has put ME in an uncomfortable situation! I mean, I don't want her to feel bad like she led me on or something, but she really should accept that it could have looked that way to me. So... ARGH. No idea how to handle this, really. And when the moment comes, who knows what I'll do or say. Probably any plan I make will go right out the window.

    Yesterday afternoon I sent her a text that reads: "Honestly, the neighborhood is intolerably dreary when you aren't here. It was so good to see you the other night." Hardly a declaration of love, but in spite of thinking I can pull off kissing her or at least telling her point blank that I love her, I am obviously still very scared of the whole thing. Because, after I sent that text, I was a wreck worrying about whether it makes me appear psycho! I have this fear that she will suddenly think I'm crazy or obsessed. So, as much as I want the ambiguity to end, I am apparently too scared to really end it. But I'll get there.

    V wrote back last night. "That was sweet of you to say, though I am sorry it feels dreary! It's probably more from how abandoned the city feels in August :wink: " We texted back and forth a lot about her day and she also was effusive about how amazed she is at everything I'm doing for myself and how I'm getting my career back on track. Sigh!

    In other news, I think a beautiful woman down the block from me kind of hit on me last night. I mean, I could be wrong since I am clearly having trouble reading this stuff, but damn, I think that's what it was! EEK! I was saying I have a lot of unpacking to do this weekend, and she suggested she could come over my place with a bottle of wine tonight to keep me company or help. I practically choked. It seemed a little more than neighborly. I told her it was a very nice offer, but I didn't accept or decline. I just kind of stumbled over my words and took off! Now I'm scared to run into her, haha. She's gorgeous and also a single mom. Yikes.
     
    #566 RJay, Aug 12, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2017
    Rachyl, azzi, idsm and 3 others like this.
  7. Findingmyself1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2017
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    163
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thank you for the update! I was getting sweating palms and my heart was beating a little faster just reading it. I think you are definitely ready for the next step of going for the kiss. Like you said, you have given so many hints and she likely knows where you stand. I hope things keep going in the right direction!
     
    Orchidea123 likes this.
  8. RJay

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2017
    Messages:
    489
    Likes Received:
    425
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Haha! Sweaty palms and heart racing? I'll be careful if I ever get to report that a kiss happened. Don't want to send anybody to the hospital. :laughing:
     
    azzi, NeonSocks, zumbaqueen and 3 others like this.
  9. Findingmyself1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2017
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    163
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    lol seriously!!!! It's like I'm slowly reading a long romance novel.
     
    azzi, idsm, RJay and 2 others like this.
  10. Orchidea123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2015
    Messages:
    612
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Rjay, your update made me smile, thank you.

    Its been a tough first 'no contact' day for me as I did not go to the usual place and time where I see my catalyst. So yeah, your post added some light and warmth and a little rainbow to my day.

    Both of you are so close as friends, so supportive of each other, and care so much that I seriously doubt she would ever shut you out of her life, in case she is not interested romantically.

    BTW, stroking her hair - amazing.
     
    #570 Orchidea123, Aug 13, 2017 at 1:05 AM
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2017 at 1:08 AM
    RJay likes this.
  11. dreamingfreely

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2017
    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    49
    Location:
    San Diego
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Family only
    Sounds like a relationship to me /wink. What kind has yet to be revealed.
     
    Orchidea123, idsm and RJay like this.
  12. Bouldghirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2015
    Messages:
    112
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Cardiff
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's certainly a relationship. Only you two (ok and your avid fan following here) will know how it develops. I'm sure you will hear the collective sighs of relief or gasps of disapppointment depending how it goes. Sending you big transatlantic hugs.
     
    idsm likes this.
  13. MsAnchor

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2014
    Messages:
    221
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Good day to you Rjay,
    i read your thread when you just started out and was so happy for you but left the forum for a while and found that it went on for all this time without you getting where you hoped you d get with V.
    First of all i want to congratulate you for this journey because as painful as it can be it will build up so much of your foundation to be happy genuinely in the following years and second it reminded me sooo much of what i went through with a friend (gay) who i shall call N i had a crush on, before i came out to her she was very attached (in a narcissistic way) and would want to see me everyday and flirty without going over and i developed feelings towards her, after i came clear with how i felt towards her she changed her behavior and started sending me the weirdest mixed signals from being super flirtatious to distant to platonic and let me tell you it was crazy hard and this strung me along for a while till i cut her out for a good few months and decided to either find a way to be just friends or just let the relationship fizzle out because it was too much built up for so little reward and it was in no way a healthy relationship because i was confused or miserable most of the time... i don't blame N, she probably regarded me as a friend who she thought was straight and was joking around and got overwhelmed and didn't know what to do and i don't blame myself it was a learning curve i needed to go through to find what kind of relationship i wanted to be in or didn't want to be in.
    I do hope you d find a way to cut this unhealthy energy draining behavior from her and give yourself the space where you will find yourself in place where you're not codependent on a person for self worth, and seeing what you ve planned out the last few weeks you re getting there.
    I have found the woman of my dreams (thats a story for another time) and it showed me how unhealthy it was being with N and in the grey area i was in with myself and i wish the same for you
    i wish you all the best
     
    RJay and Moonsparkle like this.
  14. Moonsparkle

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2017
    Messages:
    324
    Likes Received:
    183
    Location:
    Northeast US
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    This thread has become so much more than a thread on a website. It feels more like hanging out at the water cooler with my pals!

    Thanks RJay, for allowing us to go through all of this with you! I've learned a lot from you, and from everyone else who has shared their stories and shared their input and perspectives here. :slight_smile:
     
  15. dirtyshirt84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2015
    Messages:
    534
    Likes Received:
    31
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    This thread is definitely better than some romance novels/rom coms for sure!

    There will be a bidding war for the film rights :wink:

    But seriously I can relate to a lot of these emotions and relationships that are for a time a grey area.

    I think it's interesting as sometimes you have to have these type of experiences - whether they work out or not - to grow as a person and they are valuable as you learn a lot about yourself and what you want/don't want from a relationship.

    Eagerly awaiting the next instalment :slight_smile:
     
    Orchidea123 and RJay like this.
  16. junebug99

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2017
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    15
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
     
  17. Nullis

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Monday
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Just read your entire 29 page thread like a stalker Fantastic. You're very open and man either you've got a bestie or ??!! Your openness is so refreshing, you remind me a lot of me in what you worry about and your back story stuff... Not currently into anyone but I'm married to my guy ... Not sure what will come of it but I need to get in a better head space too and make some plans in my own life. You sound like in the aspects of your life where you worry, you find a way to work it out and make good decisions and I love that. Such an important thing. Ok so we have the same taste in women too And I agree with your therapist that you need to work out that everyone will be getting what they need before you make drastic decisions... Oh I also have a tendency to cut people out cold for reasons like they probably don't like me, or I like them too much and so on... I can SO relate to over analyzing every word and movement and being touchy with friends, I can't tell you how many straight girls were so cool with physical contact, all the stuff you mentioned, other stuff... And I'm kind of just like that, or I was before my husband and now I'm super not, because he doesn't like it when I'm close to others in that way because I'm not with him (separate issue) when I'm not trying not to be affectionate I'm all with the holding hands and all that... Let's be clear not all of these people ended up being so straight though. It definitely is attractive when there's someone so perfect and she needs you... I think you're totally justified in being into her. Ugh every page I thought for sure you were going to post that something happened and you're like living together now... It's like the fates have a plan the way you've written it all out...and I'm totally going to have to keep up with your adventures ! Can't wait to hear how your summer goes and I wish you the best of luck! Whatever happens, it sounds like you've forged at least a real friendship and that's something to be proud of.
     
    RJay likes this.
  18. RJay

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2017
    Messages:
    489
    Likes Received:
    425
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks for sharing all of that! Another compatriot and fan, haha. :slight_smile:
     
  19. Soundofmusic

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2015
    Messages:
    332
    Likes Received:
    79
    Location:
    Caribbean
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    And how did your visit with your Piano teacher go? Do you feel like you were able to unwind/disconnect a bit or was V on your mind all the time?

    That sounds like a sweet encounter with V and you are right, she has put you in an uncomfortable position too. She's a grown woman. I'm sure she knows how you feel about her and she hasn't stopped you (whether that's because she's into you or she likes the attention, we'll see!). So don't feel guilty...


    Um hello, also, good thing you live in a neighborhood where all these hot single moms keep popping up! I think you have nothing to lose by hanging out with this new lady. Might be nice to focus your attention on someone else even for a night and making new friends is always nice.
     
    driedroses likes this.
  20. RJay

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2017
    Messages:
    489
    Likes Received:
    425
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    She was on my mind all the time. But, what was worse was that I got super depressed feeling like I wasted 19 years of my life putting my crappy ex husband first and sacrificing my own career and my own happiness. It just felt really stark being there in a very high-energy, competitive musical environment like I was in 20 years ago when I was fully invested in my career. I feel better now, and my rational mind knows that no time is truly wasted, and I can recover and still build a different future. But, I did get super down on myself while I was up there. My teacher was awesome... very supportive and encouraging. And I shared with V how I was feeling, and she really talked me down and gave me some beautiful perspective.
     
    dreamingfreely and Orchidea123 like this.