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I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RJay, Jun 18, 2017.

  1. RJay

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    She was working at her office all day but that never stopped her from texting with me before. Last night was fine. I just have a bad feeling.
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Ok but we have visited this bad feeling before haven't we and it's turned out not to be the case. Maybe she has been in meetings or maybe she didn't take her charger and her battery is flat. There are any number of reasons why she hasn't text you back. Play some music, distract yourself she will reply just give her a chance. I know you think it's been hours and I totally get why you are panicking but nothing yesterday was particularly different from any other day so why would she suddenly vanish today.
     
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  3. RJay

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    Because I sighed when I hugged her and that was what finally made her uncomfortable. Why can't I act like a fucking adult and just tell her how I feel before I do something reckless and totally freak her out? Really it seems like the grown up thing would be to just tell her and stop with all this nonsense.
     
  4. RJay

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    I'm acting like a child.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    No I don't think you are acting like a child. These emotions are really strong and they are new and they are hard to deal with. You just have to try and not beat yourself up about it. There is no right or wrong way to deal with them as such, you could talk to her about it but there is no rule that says you have to.
    Let's just say for a second you are right and she never wants to speak to you again (which I'm not saying I believe for one moment) then if we are going to talk about acting childishly then we could also talk about her because if that was the case and you had made her uncomfortable the adult thing would be to talk to you and tell you not just stop texting. I know you wouldn't blame her because you worship the ground she walks on and have put her on this pedestal and you think she is perfect and I'm not saying she isn't a lovely person but nobody is perfect. I know you would blame yourself and analyse every micro detail and tell yourself if only you hadn't hugged her for quite that long or sighed but the truth is whilst you may be the one pushing the boundaries she is involved in this too, she has encouraged you as well.
    Why do you think it's nonsense?

    Take a look at yourself RJay you have a lot to offer someone, sure you have faults and you come with some baggage but you know what we all do. Whoever you end up with is going to be as lucky as you are. You just got to believe that you are worth it.
     
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  6. RJay

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    Thank you. Your words sound right. I really appreciate your taking the time to talk me down. I just feel really weak. Like weaker and more vulnerable than ever in my life except for when I was pregnant. It's scary.
     
  7. silverhalo

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    I know it's scary.

    The thing is the more real the feeling the scarier it is because the more you open yourself up and make yourself vulnerable the more you open yourself up to hurt. I'm not saying spthat she is going to hurt you but she has the potential to.
    The greatest rewards often come with the greatest risk.
    Imagine you are climbing a mountain, the higher you get the more you risk an injury from a fall but the better the views are. You can stay at the base and look around and sure maybe it's not bad but it's not amazing either. As you climb you begin to see what everyone was talking about, it's so pretty but you also start to worry about how high you are and what could happen if you fall, but get to the top and it will take your breath away.
     
  8. Lucky in Life

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    Silverhalo always sums up a situation so beautifully. And, I agree - you are an immensely giving. loving,smart, and talented person, Rjay. I know it's sometimes pretty hard - but believe in yourself!!
     
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  9. Moonsparkle

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    OMG--but I did respond! In an attempt at my condensed version of events which ended up in typical Moonsparkle fashion being about 6 pages haha! I just checked--the response there :slight_smile: .


    Ok. Nope, you didn't 'screw up' nor are you not acting like a 'fucking adult' or perputuating a bunch of 'nonsense'. Really, you shouldn't be ashamed for having feelings and/or expressing them. Like ever. Regardless of the outcome. Your posts today have had a really self-blaming flair, and carrying all of that is a heavy load! Try to ease up on yourself if you can.
     
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  10. RJay

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    Thank you beautiful people. This is so hard.
     
  11. Orchidea123

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    OK RJay, you did Not screw up, you did everything right - right the way it felt to you, right to your high standards, you have been an amazingly supportive friend to V so far.
    There is Nothing wrong with anything that has happened.
    Even your sigh, who says you can't breathe???
    If I were in your shoes, yes I would be panicking. But I am an outsider, and believe me, no matter what anyone says and does around you, it does not change the fact that you have done awesome and have been awesome to this lady as a friend, as a real person.

    On that note, stand by your words, actions, beliefs, never doubt yourself.

    About the silence: my friend levy me a VM several days ago - I never got it (thx to the mobile service haha). We only resolved this dilemma yesterday.

    Please breathe slow, take it slow. If she was truly busy, let it be. If she had an emergency, let it be. She'll contact you. If she went on a guy date - let it be. You deserve million times more and better than take and take but no relationship give.
    Maybe after all this ramble of mine it will turn out not such a big deal of temp. silence.

    In any case, would you be satisfied with someone only wanting emotional relationship with you if you are so madly in love with them?

    Hugs of support - you deserve it all, someone here said only good things should fill your future. No worries!!!
     
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  12. Moonsparkle

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    I'd say Silver has this nailed down here. No one 'ruins everything' (not that it is at all!) by one interaction. As in: 'oh but I shouldn't have hugged her so long, I shouldn't have sighed, I shouldn't have done this one thing or that because it must have made her think this or that.' We THINK its like that, but it's not. A relationship is a WHOLE picture, not pieces. And Silver is right, no one is to 'blame' if this DOESN'T work out--she has been in this just as much as you.

    Side note question, do you know how long she has been sober?

    Hang in there. Whatever happens, good, not so good or anywhere along the million shades of grey... you know I will be ready with a bunch of fitting, inspirational and fridge-worthy quotes!
     
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  13. RJay

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    No I've been meaning to ask her. Had a perfect opportunity the other night and choked.

    Thank you again. I really appreciate all the support. I feel like you guys are the only ones who get this.
     
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  14. RJay

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    Another piece of my past that might lend some clarity to my freak out...

    The only person I ever declared romantic feelings for was one of my piano teachers when I was 22. I started studying with him at age 18, and because we connected on such an emotional deep level through the music, I assumed what I felt for him was romantic love. I knew that physical desire wasn't part of it, but I believed myself to be truly and deeply in love and that if I couldn't have this person completely, I would die. I worshipped him for 3 1/2 years. I was at his beck and call. I became his personal assistant, PR director, and all around puppy dog. I lived and breathed for him. I was completely and totally obsessed. (In retrospect, maybe I wanted to be him.) And throughout that time I turned down every date because I believed myself to be in love with my piano teacher. That was my whole identity.

    After a two week summer program during which I just couldn't handle the ambiguity of our relationship, I wrote him a letter. I laid it all on the table. I told him I was in love with him from the moment I met him, that I felt like I couldn't live without him, that I was unable to date or even look at other men because of my feelings for him. He called me in the middle of the night, told me I was sick, said he regretted ever taking me under his wing, said he wished he had never met me, and he forbade me from ever contacting him again. I never did. I thought I was going to die.
     
    #454 RJay, Jul 28, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2017
  15. silverhalo

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    Hey RJay thanks for sharing. I think that is a massive part of what you are now feeling. In your mind admitting or showing your feelings to someone equals them being horrible to you and then running for the hills or sending you packing. I'm sorry that happened to you but it isn't always going to be like that. I know it's tough to make our brains think in new ways but you can do it.
     
  16. zumbaqueen

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    I'm sorry he reacted to you that way. He could have handled it better than the way he did. You are not sick, you just expressed your emotions to him.
     
  17. leb10

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    Hang in there RJay. I don't think she's ghosting you. Maybe she's processing a lot too or just got busy with her girls?

    Can you do something to help pass some time? Hang out with your brother? Or start up a new show? I highly recommend GLOW on Netflix, you know the show about the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling... it's super entertaining and has a great cast....

    I just saw your last update and that is so heartbreaking. I'm sorry that situation ended in such a hurtful way. The fear you're feeling now is totally understandable given those memories but you're in such a better place now. You have a good relationship with your therapist and support here too.
     
    #457 leb10, Jul 28, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2017
  18. RJay

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    He didn't accept ANY responsibility for what happened to me. He pretended total ignorance. What the hell kind of young, handsome professor doesn't notice that a student is in love with him? He knew I wasn't dating! For 3 1/2 years! He let me structure my whole life around him. I dropped out of school to study with him. Practiced 12 hours a day just to impress him. Became a pianist because of him. He found it all terribly amusing, and acted like he was completely innocent. I was a teenager when it all started, but according to him I was 100% responsible and beyond that I was mentally ill and "troubled" for acting that way. As if I'd done it on purpose!

    And in retrospect, it was a really good cover to help me avoid my gayness, because he never touched me, but I could avoid dating because "I was in love with my piano teacher." But he was so cruel and heartless when I confessed the situation. I just lost my capacity to deal 3 1/2 years in. I knew that I couldn't move forward with my life without getting it out in the open. It was the hardest letter I ever wrote. But as scared as I was, I never imagined he would be so horribly mean. He was ANGRY. And I never saw him or spoke to him or wrote to him again after that night.

    Until now, I always believed he was my one and only true love. Even when I got together with my ex 2 1/2 years after the debacle, I considered myself to be "settling" because I'd never feel what I felt for that teacher for anyone else.

    And now, over 20 years later, V. Another unattainable person who might freak out if she finds out how I feel. Boy, do I know how to get myself in trouble.
     
  19. Moonsparkle

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    Wow...I had to look at this twice, because I couldn't believe that someone in authority (and a piano teacher I still count as 'in authority' since that's the dynamic between student and teacher, and I assume he was older) would handle this in this way. To say you were sick? Wished he never met you?--Unbelievable...that he had no clue whatsoever of what damage that could do to a young adult. He was very VERY wrong in his handling of this. (You were not wrong in expressing yourself!) One of the worst things you can do to a person is to discount their feelings, or belittle them, and as a professional he should have known better. Anyway, I'm sorry this happened--- and thank you for sharing with us. Sadly, long after we are 'over' such things this stuff lives in those back corners of our mind, moving towards the forefront again if something even HINTS at feeling like THAT experience did. I do think it does explain some of (as you call it) your 'freak out' now. Certainly understandable!
     
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  20. RJay

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    Thanks for that. He was my college professor at a prestigious Ivy League university. When we started working together, I was 18 and he was 36. After 2 semesters of lessons with him, I got so wrapped up in the piano playing and in HIM that I flunked out of EVERY class the 3rd semester. Got kicked out of school. He didn't seem at all alarmed, and kept teaching me for free for another year to help me get ready to audition for a prestigious music conservatory. I got in. And throughout my first year at the conservatory, I kept seeing him, working with him, working for him, etc. It was the summer after THAT when I decided I couldn't do it anymore.