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I've got it sooooo bad! Make it stop!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RJay, Jun 18, 2017.

  1. RJay

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    Yeah, I think that's right.
     
  2. Lucky in Life

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    Hi Rjay,

    Like the others, I'm so hoping that you and V are meant for each other as a couple- and I'll say again how I think you are such a caring, devoted friend. I'm more than twenty years older than you, and from that perspective, from someone who took many more years than you did before embracing his sexuality, it seems to me as if you really do have plenty of time to let this relationship grow naturally - it seems to be progressing pretty quickly as it is, and that's great. I think I said in an earlier post that maybe it was time to tell V how you felt - but maybe I was wrong. Time really is on your side!
     
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  3. RJay

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    Today, I am feeling very introspective about all this... I think that if it's meant to be, it will happen, and if not it won't. I obviously have a lot to learn from this experience either way. I remember that I only met her about 10 weeks ago and there is no earthly reason to force this issue. I mean, what do I even expect to gain from blurting out my feelings? Will it be a relief for me? Probably... But at what cost? Our *thing* is so lovely and gets deeper each week. I'm thinking I need to just carry on and feel my feelings and learn to be OK with those feelings. Right now I am still fighting the shame and the fear so even if a next-level relationship could develop between us, it makes more sense to take the time to be more OK with myself first. No need to rope her in to my tortured brain. I'm supremely unconfident about my ability to provide her with what she needs anyway -- at least right now. I have no idea what I would do. (Well, some idea, but you know.)

    The only thing is if she meets a guy, I might not be able to stand the jealousy. So, that's a situation in which I could imagine saying, "hey, I really want you to be happy, but I don't think I can handle hearing about this guy because despite all my better judgement I'm in love with you, and I will suffer through it as best I can, but please take it easy on me." Until something like that happens, I think I can avoid pushing this.

    I just accidentally (ok, on purpose) ran into her while she dropped the kids off at day camp and walked her home. When she saw me, I said, "sorry to show up like this. I can't seem to help it." We had a nice chat about our kids as we walked in the rain under one umbrella, and we made our plan for dinner later. I love her so much. I just hope she sees it in my eyes. Sigh...
     
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  4. Orchidea123

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    Bravo RJay, way to go, good reasoning.
    Walking under one umbrella is sooo romantic..
    My catalyst dating a guy is my biggest fear too. I would be very sad.
    Just try not to think of it for now, after all she may never get a guy:stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:
     
    #304 Orchidea123, Jul 14, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2017
  5. Worker Bee

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    OMG!!! No recent update. I don't think I can cope with the suspense.
     
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  6. RJay

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    Haha... I'm trying to calm the f*** down. We are still seeing each other every day, having deep conversations, sometimes tearful. Also sometimes just fun! And dinner at her place with the kids was amazing. Felt so natural and easy. We are going to the movies one night this weekend. I'm much more at peace just letting it be whatever it is. It's been working for me over the last few days.
     
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  7. silverhalo

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    That's nice to hear RJay. Sometimes no news is good news.
     
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  8. beenthrdonetht

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    Your kids are probably "shipping" you already. You know they are always ahead of their elders.

    (The quote marks show that I'm old.)
     
    #308 beenthrdonetht, Jul 18, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2017
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  9. RJay

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    LOL... Yeah, the kids have been hilarious about all this. They want us to live together, and V's little girl told me she loves me with "true love".

    Yesterday, I picked up V's girls from day camp again, and the camp director was clearly trying to figure out what the hell is up with us. She was all like, "are you guys neighbors? Just good friends? The kids are really close!" She had her eyebrows all rumpled up looking very curious, hahaha... I said, "not exactly neighbors, but very close friends, yes."

    Poor V... The whole neighborhood will think she's gay before she does. :slight_smile:
     
    #309 RJay, Jul 18, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2017
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  10. beenthrdonetht

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    Awwwwwwww! There aren't enough ‘w’s for this.
     
  11. RJay

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  12. Lucky in Life

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    That's tremendous, Rjay! Sounds as if a family is knitting itself together!
     
  13. Moonsparkle

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    Wow --- she makes cupcakes TOO? WITH some sort of special frosting technique?

    Always slightly envious of the V's of the world who even have the inclination (and patience) for such kitchen adventures!

    ***Things I make:
    Salads
    Chicken
    Pasta

    The end. :astonished:
     
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  14. RJay

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    Yep. Cause we are hella gay. LOL. I fawned all over her for her baking skills, and she went on about the much more elaborate desserts she can make. Give me a break! I can't even with her... (This should all make me run for the hills, right? But it doesn't! I can't help it! Every new thing draws me in deeper, haha.)
     
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  15. Orchidea123

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    LOL - this! Hilarious.
    Happy you are taking in the nice things coming your way - really glad this approach works for you.
    The kids can definitely see and feel ahead of adults sometimes. Kids have no walls built up, nothing preventing them from saying things as they really are..
     
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  16. silverhalo

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    Aww Moonsparkle I'm sure you could bake too, just start off simple and work your way up, it's not always as hard as it looks.
     
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  17. RJay

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    Lest anyone be too impressed with my wonderful way of dealing with this all so positively...

    Tonight is a stand-in-the-pouring-rain-smoking-a-cigarette-and-then-come-inside-to-pour-myself-a-vodka kind of night. I'm sooooooo sad!
     
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  18. beenthrdonetht

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    You have a whole audience who wish they were V. (For all the good that does. Sigh.)
     
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  19. idsm

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    What happened?
     
  20. RJay

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    Awww. Hell, I wish I were V! We should all be as loved as she is by me. After the vodka, she texted me with some drama, and I talked her down via text for about 2 hours. I laid it on THICK about how marvelous she is, and she thanked me effusively.

    I am just sad because I keep projecting into the future and thinking she can't fall in love with me. I'm not basing that on anything but her very straight persona, but it's hard to shake the feeling. I was doing well there for a while just living in the moment, but it's hard for me to not play out the worst case scenario in my head.

    If anything, things got a lot more serious this week... Monday in particular. She was feeling just terrible about herself and started to cry over life being too hard and feeling like she just keeps fucking everything up despite her best efforts... she even said she felt unworthy of my admiration because I don't see how awful she can be in her worst moments. Oh dear. I reassured her in a very *not straight* kind of way, lol. I mean, I didn't kiss her on the lips or anything way over the line like that, but there was hand holding and embracing and touching her face and running my hand through her hair and kissing of her tear-strewn cheeks while telling her stuff like I wished she could see herself the way I see her and that I wish I could magically take away all her sadness and self-doubt. OH BROTHER!!! Bad me! I'm just so compelled to act that way with her. Can't seem to help it! She seemed to really appreciate not just my words, but also seemed totally comfortable with the physical affection. She didn't stop me even a little! She was grateful, and texted me right after to thank me, and the next day she asked if I was free Friday night for dinner and a movie, and she brought me cupcakes, lol. And then the next day she told me she'd been listening to the CD I gave her of my playing and that it was "just beautiful" and it was lifting the dark cloud that had been following her around. So, why on Thursday am I so tortured again thinking this whole thing is doomed because she's straight? I don't know... I just am.
     
    #320 RJay, Jul 20, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2017
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