I've drafted two 'coming out' emails to friends, but now...

Hey, LostInDaydreams. I'm sorry to hear that. That's a really shitty situation. I can't tell you what to do, unfortunately, but here are some questions that might help clarify.

1. Does it matter to you that they know?

2. Are you planning on telling your partner? Are you two separated? Do you plan on leaving them to pursue a relationship with a female? Would it be better to tell them in case they find out elsewhere?

3. Are they good enough friends to keep your secrets in the first place?

4. Have you been questioning your sexuality for a long time? Have you been attracted to a female? Do you fantasize about females?


Of course, these are personal questions, so don't feel the need to tell me any or all of the answers if you don't wish. Just something to think about. You could always pull up a word document and just start typing. Don't think, don't go back for spelling errors, say anything and everything. Reread it the next day. Hope this helps, and good luck.

Optimist17

 

It's good to have a support system, so if your friends won't keep your secrets or if you find you don't really want them in particular to know, it's best to find someone who does. Us on the forum are always willing to help, but it's soooo nice to have someone to talk to in real life. If they're lgbt as well, score!

 

I get that feeling of wanting to say something to someone in real life that’s how I ended up telling my mum and sisters that I was questioning. I guess I don’t really regret it but think maybe I should have waited so I could come out properly and to everyone in one go. Are they close friends? I would expect them to come back with questions or something, so are you ready for that? If you start the ball rolling by telling them, then you might find, that you want to tell others or maybe that’s the idea so as to get a little courage to tell your husband by seeing first how they will react?

 

@LostInDaydreams this is tough! Of course do what your heart tells you but I have 2 suggestions. One, address all of your own questions in your email to your friends. Why are you telling them? (Support?) What if your partner finds out? (Tell your friends that you want to do this yourself and to please respect your wishes to do it in your own time.) I don't know that you can prevent an accidental slip, but you could stress that you value their friendship and really need to talk to someone about this before anyone else knows. Again, they should respect you. And so on with the questions you outlined in the OP....

My second suggestion is to pick up the phone and do it in a more personal way, though I realize it may be too much for you right now. But if you can get those first few words out and engage them in a conversation, the rest should be much easier! Then, if you get the sense they aren't as supportive as you'd like, you can adapt as you go. If you want, you could even read them the email you started. Then you don't have to think too much and just focus on your courage to get it out!

My heart goes out to you! Please let us know how things go. *hugs*

 

I get that feeling of wanting to say something to someone in real life that’s how I ended up telling my mum and sisters that I was questioning. I guess I don’t really regret it but think maybe I should have waited so I could come out properly and to everyone in one go. Are they close friends? I would expect them to come back with questions or something, so are you ready for that? If you start the ball rolling by telling them, then you might find, that you want to tell others or maybe that’s the idea so as to get a little courage to tell your husband by seeing first how they will react?

 

LostinDaydreams- Something to think about- How much can you tolerate in this present relationship?
The struggle to end this relationship may seem impossible. But would only be for a short time. Would you be willing to endure the short term pain to gain a life time of happiness?
Can you live within yourself in your present situation and be happy? Or (this might be a tough one to ask) will you wake up someday and regret not doing things differently sooner?
Is whatever you feel within yourself, is it worth the struggle in this situation to get out of the relationship?

You have your whole life ahead of you. Coming out to friends, and eventually to your partner, may seem hard. But what you may gain is the freedom within yourself to be you. And to pursue a happy life. It is scary and difficult to do. But the reward of personal freedom might be worth it.

You go, girl. A big hug for you, hope that would help.

 

if not telling friends then can you try a support group? somewhere where it's not written down but its face to face...

 

Is there any way you can tell them in person?
The problem with emails is they can be forwarded to anyone. It's best to be careful what you put in an email unless you really trust them. I always prefer to come out in person anyway because then you can gage their reaction by their facial expressions.

 

LostinDaydreams- Realizing who the real person is, is a huge huge change. Taking the steps to make that change is probably even bigger of a change. It takes a lot of daring, a lot of personal challenge, and a life style change. There is no doubt about that. But if a person doesn't accept the change of life, then what happens? And I'm not just saying this to you or anyone who reads these posts. I'm telling this to me also.

I am 64 yrs old. Since I was a kid I have fought against and hid away my true self. I sometimes now catch myself thinking "why?" Why didn't I do something about me earlier in my life? My self is coming out of hiding now. And I am determined to not let the "hiding syndrome" show its harmful and restricting ways. I have allowed too much self defeat in my life. And I don't want it anymore. The hurt and pain is too much.

This is the first day of the rest of my life. I can accept the challenge of a more fulfilling life or I can continue to do what I have done in the past. I can take on the life style change or stay in the rut I have created and conform to social construct. As the song says-
I want to live, not merely survive... ("I've gotta be me" from Tony Bennett)

 

From my own experience and reading other's here it seems best to assume that once you tell one person then other people you had not planned on telling yet will find out. Even if they are LGBT friendly the news can be shocking and the way people often process it is by talking to others.

You're probably telling them because this is an important part of who you are and you want your friends to know.

It might get back to your partner. In fact, I suggest that you just plan around this. If you are concerned that he may escalate you may want to tell you friend this as well and find out if they will provide a safe place to stay if needed. Good luck