For the past few days my dysphoria's really been getting to me and I had no way to cope with it. I started avoiding my friends, putting off schoolwork to sit around and do nothing and I've generally been an emotionally shut-off fucktard for the past few days. Last night, I watched a video where, at the end, this guy talked about how he used to cut and burn himself because he didn't feel right with himself and needed to get out of his own skin. He said it was a stupid thing to do and even stupider not to tell anyone about it but I realized that I was feeling something similar myself and...well you can probably see where this is going. I'd thought about it occasionally before but after a particularly bad night last night I guess I must've had reason to want to do it. In the morning before school started, I went to the toilet with a box of matches and was planning to burn my fingers, but I tried to light some matches three times and they didn't light so I threw them away and told a friend about what I almost did. She was really nice and said that I should try and distract myself and perhaps speak to the school counselor, but I felt really ashamed and terrible talking to her let alone a teacher or a complete stranger so I don't think I can do that. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened all day and even though I knew it was a bad idea, I still wondered if maybe it'd make me feel better so during lunch break, I took a pair of scissors, went to the bathroom and cut myself. I hardly drew any blood but the skin tore a bit and now there are red marks all around my breasts. It was painful and I felt terrible while it was going on, but to be honest I like how it looks. It makes them look like someone just stitched them on and they aren't mine, not really. I think I would've cut much deeper if I hadn't remembered that my mum wants to take me bra shopping soon and I'm terrified that she'll see the scarring. Also, just now I tried using matches to burn my fingers again and they caught on fire but I can never hold onto them for long enough to really do anything other than cause tiny blisters. I had this weird idea that self-harm would make me feel better but it's changed absolutely nothing. This feels awful. I know it's a bad idea but it feels like a compulsion and I still have this deranged idea that it will make me feel better. I'm worried that I won't be able to stop myself from doing this again and hurting myself even more, and I can't talk to anyone about it because that'd mean I'd have to admit the root cause of the problem: I'm a boy trapped in a girl's body and I just can't live like this anymore. I don't know...I just don't know what to do. I feel like this is the start of a downward slide into something dark and terrifying. Is there anything I can do?
I know I am a stranger, but please, I beg you, go speak to your school counsellor. They won't judge you, they won't condemn you, they won't make you do something you're not ready to do but they will help you. You need help. Please.
I don't think you have been "incredibly stupid"... There is a reason for everything. Have you seen this Empty Closets page which gives some advice: Empty Closets - Self-Injury Behavior (*hug*)
Aaaw, my heart cries for you (*hug*) I hope things improve for you soon. I also used to self-harm, but found alternative coping mechanisms (writing poetry). I am not dysphoric, but I sometimes wish I could just cut off my breasts. They are an annoyance and I hate bras, but can't go without one either, as I have large breasts :dry: I don't really know what to tell you because I don't really know how you're feeling. Just know that all of us here care about your wellbeing. I think you should look into speaking to a counsellor. I know it seems scary to talk openly about your feelings and struggles with a stranger, but they are there to help you deal with it. Please think about it, and keep us updated on your journey (*hug*)
Dude. I agree with you and disagree with bingostring.... hurting yourself is a fucking stupid thing to do, and as you noted, it doesn't change anything. I've done it myself and I can tell you all it does is leave nasty scars that are difficult to explain away to family or future lovers. Also remember that if you're aiming for medical help with gender dysphoria, you'll be subject to psychological assessments before they'll let you take hormones or have surgery, and if they think you're not mentally fit you might run into problems. I'm really glad you decided to talk about this. Next time you feel like hurting yourself, come on here and talk to us instead. Talking to people who've been through similar experiences can be just as helpful as a a counselor, (especially when it comes to gender/sexuality issues). Stay strong x
