So on October 11 I told my wife that I'm still just as gay if not more (if possible) than I was 40 years ago when we became friends and 33 years ago when we got married. It's been a roller coaster ride since. Last night, I lost my temper. We went to watch our son's performance. She was drinking heavily as always. On the way home she once again started on her self pity and verbally attacking me because I came out to my children and friends (my kids are all grown). She told me that our children told her that she needs to "let me go ". She still would prefer me to fool around on the side and remain together. I told her no again. Even consensual it's morally wrong isn't it? Then we got home. She went in the house and started going off on my son because he was using the kitchen to bake a cake (from scratch!). I asked her to stop repeatedly but she wouldn't. I went to my room. He went to his. Then she came into my room and started angrily screaming at me and said "well when you see your shrink you need to tell him...." and I don't know what else. Because I lost it. I never raise my voice but I let her have it. I know that I confronted her about the alcohol and about her knowledge of my sexual identity and her awareness of it all these years. I don't know what else. She left the room. Now it's morning. She's asleep and I'm going to the gym before she gets up.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I recall how painful it was as I went through my wife and I coming to terms with the fact that we were never going to be able to have a romantic and sexual life, and deciding to become queer platonic spouses. My honest opinion: You need to separate, or agree to become queer platonic partners with your own love lives. Mixed sexuality marriages are rarely successful or happy. Both of you deserve love and sex with appropriate partners. I hope things get better for you two.
From what you’ve posted here, I agree with @Dreamsexul. This situation does not seem healthy for anyone involved and must be unpleasant for your children. I hope you can find a way forward and find happiness.
Sounds a good thing her alcoholism was brought up .. rather than tip-toeing around the subject Have you discussed couples therapy? It may enable you both to negotiate next steps without the need for friction and acrimony? And agreeing how to put the kids interests first.
I think it would be better to pull out your phone and make a video of her behavior, and bring it to your therapist, rather than being drawn into yelling yourself. For your own sake, please be very careful not to be drawn to her level.
I tend to agree with the first part of the advice that Dreamsexul is giving you, Fritzcoop. It sounds so untenable the way you describe it. But check with a lawyer - if you leave on your own terms before a separation agreement, I’ve heard in some states that can work against you in divorce court. The second part about Mixed Orientation Marriages (MOMs) not being successful is probably not true. We really have no clue how many MOMs are working, because the stats say most bisexuals are in opposite-sex relationships, and other stats say that only 12% of bi guys are out to the people who are close to them. We’ve got some examples of working MOMs here on Empty Closets, and I’ve seen a couple of them in real life now that I’m paying attention. But it is clear from what Fritzcoop is sharing that _his_ marriage is not working, and doesn’t exhibit the qualities necessary to be made into a working healthy relationship - that’s the important part in this case.
Thanks everyone. It's a sad situation. She's out on the patio now in tears. I found somewhere to move to temporarily but I haven't told her yet. I have to go but not without some kind of warning. My 2 adult children are not here tonight but they do live here and I just feel it's wrong to not sit down with the three of them and tell them I'm leaving. But on the other hand...I don't know if my wife can take it. I kinda think just leaving might be better on her.
I’m glad you’ve found somewhere to go. I hope the distance will be beneficial for everyone. Could you communicate with your children another way? Meet them somewhere or a phone call?
This is tricky. It's your wife that needs therapy, drinking heavily isn't good. It might not all be linked to your sexuality. I agree that separating us probably the best way forward. I'm just concerned how your grown up children will cope if you leave? Are they strong individuals? Or will your wife take you leaving home out on them? Hugs Jon
We all have cell phones and I can also meet them at the college. If I tell them too soon one of them will blurt it out in front of her. Since she works midnight's twice a week I think I'm going to talk to them at that time.
She does need therapy but isn't willing to go. She has a psychiatrist but that's no help unless you need medicine. The alcohol abuse is what finally pushed me to look at our relationship. Yes I'm gay. I was born this way but chose to suppress it after being out. But after all these years I am now accepting who I am. If the alcohol abuse wasn't there I believe we could continue in a sexless roommate relationship. But the quality of life we would have would not be beneficial to either of us. I'm hoping that she will be able to look more at herself when I'm not physically here to remind her what she has "lost".
With her working 2 consecutive nights a week I think I'll be able to come over and check on our young men. One of them is really resilient. The other is a sweet homebody I really don't think she's going to go after them when I'm not present. I think she's doing it in front of me to gain my attention be it positive or negative.
