It's the most wonderful time of the year (ugh)

Hi:

Not sure what I need here, maybe just to vent, maybe some support.

There's someone in my life who expects me to visit (long-distance travel) at Christmas and I have already explained that I will not being doing so this year. I gave my reasons, which are not frivolous, as they include some health issues, as well as some other things that I didn't mention.

Since then I've been yelled at once, and twice over the last two weeks this person has waited for me to have a vulnerable moment and then picked a fight. In both cases I reacted (rather than responded) and I'm pretty sure now that this is what they wanted to happen (because they know I'll feel bad afterward).

One of these episodes occurred last night and I spent half the night and a good part of today in a frazzled state but then started reading a story in a book (Al-Anon) that I've found helpful in the past, and as I came to the end of the story the writer said, "...and I realized that I was not to blame" and I burst into tears.

I swear I need to get a tattoo on my left forearm that reads: I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE'S THOUGHTS, FEELINGS OR ACTIONS so I can remember this because at some times, with some people, I just seem to fall back into thinking badly of myself because I haven't done something that they want me to do and it just wastes so much time and energy and self-esteem.

So half of my frustration is with them and the other half is with myself.

I do feel better though that it only took as long as it did for me to realize that their feelings are their responsibility - it could've been a week or more before I got un-frazzled. That's happened before.

Like I said, I don't know what I need here, if anything, but thanks for reading anyway.