Hi My name is Richard. I am 56 years old and in a complicated mess. I don't know where to start but from the beginning... I have been attracted toward to other guys since I was 12 years old. in my teen years I hid it inside my mind and in my fantasies, etc and did my best to live straight ad never acted out. when I was 25 I got married to s girl my age and was married for 12 years. Toward the end of the marriage I had a severe mental breakdown I was hearing internal and external voices and paranoid that real life Satanists were trying to run me out of the town I was living in. in 2002 they diagnosed me with paranoid schizophrenia and I got on disability. I was a shut in and isolated my self from the world. for the next 8 years. then crazy me got married again to a girl I had met in a church camp in my teens. we were married for 8 years. I was in and out of the mental hospital throughout our married years. I finally left her and went back to my hometown where my dad still lives. Throughout these myriad of years I have told people I was gay but they didn't believe me? The only person I haven't came out and told is my 75 year old dad. I have to depend on him financially. if I could make it on my own I would move far away and not deal with family. My dad probably knows. I just don't know how to tell him. my sister says to keep it to myself...she just doesn't understand. as you can see my life is a complete mess!! I just wish I could find someone decent to share my life with but I'm afraid that is not going to happen anytime soon!! im afraid there is always going to be something no matter where im at or who im with!!! Anyway this is my story in a nutshell. if you have any words of wisdom please help me to understand or help to shine a light toward a new beginning.
Hey Richard, good on you for reaching out! It sounds like you're looking at two issues. One, you're determined to come out and to come to terms with yourself. Two, you want to find someone decent to share your life with. For what it's worth that's kind of where I found myself a few years ago when I realized that I was shutting myself off from the women that I thought I was loving (and also the world.) I can't say what will happen to you of course. I can personally say that acceptance, by yourself and by others, can have an incredibly healing effect. Find and take care of yourself. You deserve it, and so does the rest of the world. Checking a map, it looks like you live in a fairly rural area. My guess is that at least some of the people around where you live may have a little trouble accepting the idea of someone coming out. I could see how that alone could have an impact on your mental health. Do you have a therapist that you are currently working with? If not, you may want to reach out, possibly beyond your area, and find a therapist who specializes in coming out issues and understands your previous history. Second, it may help to find a local support group, either online or face to face, where you can talk with other folks and/or accepting allies. Now comes the challenging part. Compared to other areas, there apparently aren't that many LGBTQ centers in Arkansas... Lucie's Place, is a homeless shelter and drop in center located in Little Rock. They may not be able to help you directly, but they might be able to help you get pointed in a right direction. ( https://www.luciesplace.org/ ) NWA Equality seems to be a pretty solid organization. They're way up in Fayetteville, but they may be able to help you find help or community, either face to face or online. ( https://nwaequality.org/ ) The only PFLAG meeting in Arkansas is in Fayetteville, over half a day's drive away. Still, I'm sure that they would appreciate hearing from you. ( https://www.facebook.com/pflagnwa/ ) Nationally, the LGBT National Help Center runs a hotline and also keeps an excellent resource database. I will say that the COVID-19 crisis has stretched everyone pretty thin. I wouldn't give up if the phones at any of these places aren't answered right away. ( https://www.glbthotline.org/ ) Anyway, hope some of this helps....
What strikes me about your post is you seem very clear about what your issues are. Therefore putting a plan of action together in your head must be that much easier. I think you would find an LGBT therapist at this stage of live very helpful if you do not have one right now..? I reckon the conflicts in the past have most likely contributed to your mental health issues. And if you can untangle some of these with the help of a therapist you stand a good chance of becoming happier on the road ahead.
Thanks to the both of you who shared your wisdom. I have a mental health counselor but not a therapist. It would probably do me better to see a therapist. my mom and stepdad does live in north Arkansas, my family is in denial but my mom has always pushed me off to my dad since he came into the picture. he and my mom divorced when I was 5. I didn't see him for 16 years. I will do some praying and some checking into the places in Arkansas. South ark is a desert for sure for any kind of help. Thanks A lot.
today has been a lonely day. how does one make friends on other side of the closet without being judged for not being all the way out?
You could look for LGBT groups near you. You might be able to find one that specifically offers support, but somebody recently joined the group I’m a member of, which is more a social group, and they are in a heterosexual marriage and not out, and everyone has been welcoming and supportive. There are quite a few in the group who realised their sexuality and/or came out later in life, so there’s no judgment. Unless you specifically said otherwise, I imagine most people in the group would assume that you are out.
