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It's Just a Phase

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by iWolf, Feb 22, 2017.

  1. iWolf

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    Bisexual here,
    My parents have always been supportive of the LGBT community, but I know that if I come out it will complicate things extremely and make it very awkward. I know I am bisexual, but currently mainly have a straight crush. Therefore, I am worried about biphobia, being told even by other LGTs that it is just a phase and will turn to one way or another eventually. I feel like the fact that I have a straight crush will be held over my head, with people telling me that I am not gay, only straight.

    I want to come out, as being secretive is extremely hard, but I don't know if it is worth it, as it will make my relationships with others awkward. At my school, Gay is frequently used as an insult, and while there is no homophobia in the school it is just awkward as I internally flinch whenever someone thinks something is wimpy and yells "Ha! Gay!" If I come out, I feel like my friends will feel awkward whenever someone says it, and not just me.

    Sorry for the bad grammar/formatting, it's late at night and writing this in a panic.

    TL;DR- I want to come out but am worried it will make things awkward with my family and at school, and am also worried about biphobia because of my straight crush being used to say I'm only straight.
     
  2. Mj5963

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    Good morning , I want you to know I am a married guy and a father and recently my wife discovered that I am bisexual , obviously this complicates our marriage and we are working in that part of the infidelity , but I finally came to the conclusion that my sexual interests for guys was not a phase not fleeting , I kept it inside for way too many years and over time I explored it and found I truly am bisexual. It doesn't mean I can't be monogamous with my wife as sexuality is so complicated and after hurting her emotionally i am committed to fixing that while she now is aware of my sexuality and will have to accept it
     
  3. iWolf

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    Thanks for the great advice, however my real question if I wasn't clear enough was if it is worth it to come out as bisexual. There is negative stigma and biphobia not just among straight people, but also among gay people and I am worried that it will make my relationship with my family and friends awkward. The fact that I have a straight crush I feel will be held above my head by people, saying "you're not bisexual, you like [person]."
     
  4. Quantumreality

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    Hey iWolf,

    I would say that only you can decide whether or not it is worth it to Come Out at this point in your life. Each of us has to be comfortable (with ourselves at the very least) with the idea of Coming Out before we actually Come Out.

    I would suggest that you might want to make a list of Pros and Cons for yourself to help you decide whether or not you think it’s worth Coming Out in your individual case.

    There is absolutely a ton of biphobia out there in society, in general. I would argue that it is WORSE than the prevalent homophobia. Not least because most of the biphobia that I get is from LGBTQ friends.

    Amongst the common biphobic comments are those that you indicated, such as bi-erasure where gay guys tell us that we (Bi guys) are actually Gay, but we just haven't 'accepted the truth' yet. That generally stems from the fact that a significant number of gay people first Come Out as Bi, thinking that it will be a 'softer blow' for their friends and family. Plus, a whole lot of ignorance.:bang:

    I would suggest that you check out this website: The Bisexual Index | Welcome to the Index!

    Also, you may care to watch a series of YouTube videos called “Ask a Bi Guy.” You can find the first one here and finding links to the others from there should be easy.

    I hope some of this helps.:slight_smile:
     
  5. Margaret

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    I worry about people not believing me too, I fact I made a thread about it. I think I'm way to femme for people to believe I'm a lesbian. You should do what's best for you, and honestly making people at school a little uncomfortable when people use "gay" as in insult isn't a bad thing. They should pause and realize that's insulting. It's your life, live it how you want to live it, if others don't really get it or find it confusing that's their issue to work through.
     
  6. iWolf

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    Thanks to both of you for the detailed information, I will definitely check out the site.:icon_bigg
     
  7. Quantumreality

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    Hey iWolf,

    I'd just advise you not to rush into anything. Even if you find yourself suddenly accepting of your homosexual reality, whether you are gay or bi, you yourself still need time to adapt to your new reality before 'jumping in to the deep end of the pool' without allowing yourself to adjust to your new reality.

    Just saying...:slight_smile:
     
    #7 Quantumreality, Feb 22, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2017
  8. iWolf

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    Thank you for the advice... at this point, I am thinking if I do come out, I will do it in a few years. Right now, I don't believe that my sexuality effects my personality and so I don't find it necessary to make everything awkward by coming out. Thank you to all of you for the great advice, I will let this thread die.
     
  9. Twisted777

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    I know what you mean, Bi erasure is annoyingly common - hopefully it's being dealt with though. I particularly dislike the idea that we'll all 'pick a side' or we're 'just gay really'.

    Also, your TL;DR makes me wish there was a better bisexuality subreddit.
     
  10. Mj5963

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    I would add my two cents as I been working hard in understanding my sexuality and the one thing I can say and look in the mirror and feel very comfortable is "I am not straight". The rest doesn't matter to me , seeking a label to have "acceptance" is not important to me , this is just my view and thought I would share it with u.
     
  11. Smile44

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    You got a lot to figure out. I feel like you should just calm down, breathe and take a step back. You don't have to label yourself as anything. Just be who you are. Why do you have to label yourself as bi or straight or anything? If you are with a guy that you like and you and him are getting along. Why is it even important to bring up the fact that you are attractive to females also? Focus on him. And if it don't work out with him for whatever reason and you decide that you are attractive to a female then just focus on that situation. If you are worried about how other people are going to react to your life choices and then on top of that, how they react is affecting you in a negative way. Then you probably should just try and adjust to what is going on within yourself first. What others think of you or how they react to you should not be a determining factor on how you fill. Everybody seems to feel like coming out is the most important thing. To me that is not the most important thing. It is most important to be able to give yourself time to figure out who you are and then once you figure out who you are. Then you give yourself time to adjust to your new found life. Learn how to handle different types of situations life throws at you. By you giving yourself time to adjust, once you do come out, if that is what you choose to do, you will have enough life experience to be able to handle the way others react to your life choices. But if you come out too soon, you will be dealing with your own personal choices and how others react to your personal choices. Talk about to much stress coming in to many different directions. So all in all, just relax figure out your life, have fun, and deal with people on a individual basis. Meaning if you're with a guy you like, enjoy. Don't worry about if someone see's you with him that they are going to think your just going through a phase. Maybe you are, maybe your not. Either way that is fine. Just be who you are, no label necessary, until you figure yourself out. Good Luck!!!
     
    #11 Smile44, Feb 24, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 24, 2017
  12. Mj5963

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    @smile44 said it even better than I did , so ditto :slight_smile:
     
  13. DreamonRose

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    Don't listen to people. I was different I was bi turned gay but you do not have to pick a side be with whoever you want to. Love whoever. No one can tell you how you feel and no one can tell you to love only one gender. About coming out when it is a good time for it then you will know. I say just go for it awkwardness passes