I'm not going to lie, my life is incredibly troublesome and annoying. It always seems like the internals and externals of me are always so complicated. Like, my mind and the things outside of my mind don't always get along or cooperate with each other. And it always seems to come back to one major contributor, me. It always seems like I'm the problem. I'm my own worst enemy as well as everybody else's. Well, maybe not everybody, but you get the point. But it's always like I'm at constant war with myself and the things around me. It's like, if my brain wants me to do something, then it's almost certain that my environment or some other part of me prevents me from doing it. Sometimes it feels like I'm stuck, sometimes I can't make decisions, I feel stunned and can't seem to function, and so on. It's very aggravating. And it also seems like I function better by myself. Like, I function at optimal efficiency by myself. But even then I still have trouble functioning. Like, no matter what I do, I can never reach maximum efficiency. And while I do acknowledge the "blocks" in my head, I also have a lot of external troubles. It seems as if my environment has more control over me than the other way around, which makes sense I guess. But I can't help but feel that my upbringing, my parents, my family, and the rest of the world around me caused all of this. And I don't know how to resolve this problem of mine. My parents are a huge part of this. They are very controlling and self-centered and can be extremely overbearing at times. Like, if I want to go one way, they try to force me to go the other way with all their might. And my mom actively sabotaged my college medical papers so that I "wouldn't get treated like that for my own good" which basically means that my mom feels that me getting services and help is a bad thing. That it's not good for me. My parents don't believe in a lot of things, and getting help is one of them. They legitimately think that me seeking help with my problems is a bad thing. And they always try to block me. They practically treat me like a caged animal. It's frustrating. And if they don't want it, they'll do everything in their power to make me not want it. Like, me wanting to go to a college that I wanted to go was blasphemous to them. Pursuing film? Forget it, my parents wanted no part of it. See, my parents are the kind of parents who will aggressively demand that you get a job and then tell you that you can't get a job. A lot of my family does this kind of stuff. It's like, if they don't like it or understand it, it's bad, wrong, or blasphemous. It's annoying. I have my own demons to overcome, I don't need other people getting in the way. Especially not my own parents, the very ones who are supposed to support and encourage me no matter what. Like I said, it's complicated. My mind is so messed up and so is my environment right now. I need help, but I can't get it. My parents think help is a bad thing, and part of my mind believes that as well. I don't know what to do. My college orientation is Monday and Tuesday, and I have to bring my mom. I am not looking forward to this. This is going to end bad. I already know it. My mom, as well as my brain, are going to completely sabotage everything. Ugh...*sigh* I'm so done with this.
I can understand this to a really large degree. I still live at home and my mother and I are both mentally ill, to the point where she cannot work a job, and my dad yells at her for "wasting his money" by going to a therapist because therapists are just "people that suck up your money by convincing you of problems that you don't actually have". I'm also physically disabled by chronic pain, so I'm not currently working and only just this year began 1 medication that helps slightly because my dad emotionally abused me and convinced my mom for the past 4 years that I was lying about my pain in order to manipulate her because he didn't think I was "trying hard enough" in school. He also forbade me from seeing my friends on many occasions, locking me in the house all summer one year whilst I was retaking a class. Being in pain too, this makes it very hard for me to prioritize my energy into talking to others, so often I just sit at home alone in my room all day since pretty much the only friends I have are online. My mother keeps to herself and is entirely codependent on him, and he is overbearing to me; he thinks that by questioning everything I want, like, or do will "teach me" to have enough energy to deal with things. But that's not how it works, I just have different limitations. It's very taxing to live somewhere where your energy is constantly being drained just trying to protect and care for yourself, so you have no external energy left to try and make changes in your life like actually trying to get a job and move out and stuff, I understand that struggle. As hard as it sounds, don't feel like you're obligated to try and compromise with them ever, don't fall into their guilt traps of trying to get you to open up to them when you know they just want to judge or sabotage it. As hard as it is to really take into your heart, you should never be forced to be in any kind of relationship where you're putting out your all and it's just getting taken for granted and you're getting nothing in return. Be prepared at the college interview to speak up, disagree with everything she says in front of the interviewer, and hopefully they will realize that it's apart of their job to accommodate for the students needs instead. Or, if you're just walking around listening to her judge everything, as much as you may want to fight back, keep your thoughts to yourself and feed on your own conviction. It's so hard to close off to people even when you know it's the right thing to do, it's just as hard as opening up and trying to change things for the better. But it's not worth wasting your time trying to convince over and over and over again, you know who you are and you know what's best for yourself, stick strong to that! And maybe one day that will be what allows you to make it out.
