Well, I literally just blew up! Quick recap, I tend to my grandmother (on hospice) and mother (on home health). So I do cook their lunch and dinner daily. Well after lunch today mom made a comment, regarding food, and things boiled over. Earlier I was talking about how excited I was to finally have the potato starch I needed to make some doughnuts. I’ve been craving doughnuts for over a year, but since I can’t eat gluten hadn’t had any. Well mom said, “that’s part of the problem with me not losing weight all the sugar you cook with. Yea your losing a lot of weight which is great. But you’re not eating enough either so that’s something different.” Well this upset me but I didn’t say anything. I made lunch, and then my aunt came down. I fixed my plate, mom said she didn’t want what I was fixing. She said no to three other things and said she wasn’t sure what she wanted. So I figured she’d tell me when she was hungry. So she decided she wanted what I was having after she saw it on my plate. So I made her a plate. Then made my grandmother’s. Unfortunately there wasn’t enough for my aunt (who I wasn’t expecting and didn’t know was coming). I didn’t think mom or my grandma would actually eat what I cooked so I didn’t make a huge amount. Well after my aunt left mom critized how I didn’t make enough and that could never happen again. I flipped. I was so mean! No one ever is concerned about the fact I can’t have gluten. I literally have to make my food most of the time for family gathering because what everyone fixes I can’t eat. Holidays I bring my own stuff because again I can’t eat what everyone fixes. Once I even had to leave when lunch was being served because not only was nothing gluten free there was literally not one gluten free food in the house so I had to go buy something (they forget to get the stuff on the list that was gluten free even though they told me don’t worry they had it covered). I don’t expect my family to accommodate this. But if you say you’re doing a meal and I’m invited... you know I can’t have gluten. So either don’t invite me or have something I can eat! Mom text she was sorry and doesn’t understand why I was so upset. I told her this is just a reminder of how different I am. I’m on the outside constantly (even with food). I have to adjust to be with them. No one meets me in the middle, and that gets frustrating. Of course it’s not just the gluten free thing. It’s also being the one who is mindful to be respectful around everyone. Try not to be offensive. But constantly hearing things that are so offensive (often racist and even homophobic things). So I tell her this and of course her response is grow up! I can’t... I went into detail trying to explain what it’s like being gay in a straight world with being extremely gluten intolerant in a gluten world... she doesn’t really care about either. They’ve both almost killed me and she knows that, which is amazing. Today... disappointed and alone!
So sorry to hear what a miserable day you had today. No wonder you blew up. It sounds like this had been building up for a long, long time. You have been gluten intolerant all these years and yet your family seems oblivious to your health limitations. What crappy holidays and family get togethers you must have had. I can't imagine sitting down at dinners and not being able to eat anything. And when you point this out, your mom retorts that you should grow up? This is not a question of immaturity. It is a question of treating you with the respect and understanding you deserve. I realize that your mom and grandmother have health issues. It is probably a tense situation for everyone. Yet that doesn't excuse their insensitive treatment of you. I wish you could move and be out of this pressure cooker life right now. Just hang tight for now. Eventually you will be out of there and able to live a less stressful life.
I’m sorry to hear about this. Being the primary caregiver for your mom and grandmother has to be stressful. And it sounds as though your mother isn’t very appreciative, which has to be hurtful. Is it possible for you to take a few days away for yourself?
Really sorry that happened to you. You were completely justified in being mad about that though. I hope it gets better for you soon.
@Dionysios I am really use to making sure I have my own food. My siblings all have tried, bless them, to do some better but it’s just not on anyone’s minds honestly. But if it’s a party and I’m invited and told not to worry about it, I shouldn’t have to worry about it lol. I’m gonna just keep myself together best I can @Razorbacks thanks and it’s very stressful. I did it for my gramps 3 years ago when he was on hospice so I guess I’m the go to for this. I don’t know what to say. I feel bad saying that there is a lack of appreciation... but I definitely feel that it’s lacking a lot of times. I wish I could. I was suppose to have some time away with just mom but we made it an hour away before we had to turn around and come back because the people who were suppose to be with my grandma (uncle and aunt) said they were going away for the day. She can’t be left for that long. Well when we came they were still here and never left. Very frustrating! @Destin yea I just try not to explode. I actually try to avoid any extreme negative emotional outburst. I prefer to process that in private. I’ve been that way so long (don’t cry in front of people much, try and stay calm when I’m angry, etc.) it’s just the stiff upper lip thing you know?! Well I went on my walk (I took the dogs because I knew I needed a good break and that cheers me up). When I got back and inside mom was telling me about something that happened with a home health worker. My aunt said she was just a [used the n word]. I just stared at mom. Literally one of the things I’d said had been bothering me. She looked at me and nodded (like saying go ahead let her have it). I told my aunt I was over the racist comments. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I am respectful with what I say to them and they were gonna respect me on this. She was like I’m describing her attitude. I said no your being racist... you want to talk about her attitude say she’s a b***h (and before I thought about it) or better yet if it was that bad just say she was such a c***t! All three of these southern ladies who are all about church and listening to there pastors look at me like they were about to faint. No one breathed. I went back to my phone. Well about 15 minutes later my grandma decided she wanted the last word and used the n word and tried to say it’s not about her race... I slung my sunglasses of my head and grabbed a hair band to tie up my hair... I don’t know why I do this but I guess I was getting ready to drag someone for real. Mom flipped. She layed in to them... she said she wasn’t gonna take it anymore either. They’d respect me and her, they know how we feel about it. When we are not around they can say what ever they want. They can harbor all the hate in their hearts for people who aren’t white for as long as they want too... but they sure wouldn’t be getting into heaven acting that way, however they’d get to burn with the people who didn’t make it no matter the color of their skin. So now WWIII is on the horizon for the family. My uncle, aunt and grandma are very racist... this isn’t over... But I do know she got some of the message earlier. I just hope she thinks about the things I said about how hard it is being the only non normal one. How I don’t fit in and it’s obvious. It was more than just the food... the food was just the tipping point. I know there is really nothing they could do... which makes things even worse when I think about it. It would just be nice to see a little effort to normalize me I guess.
Fellow Ohioan...I heard the N word all the time growing up in both Cleveland and Columbus, along with their surrounding areas, so maybe it was more the era than the place for why you didn't hear it. I hear it daily here in the south too, mostly from black people. I'm pretty sure I'm going to a wedding reception at that exact same plantation you described in a few months too (live in Tally now) and I agree...that place is just creepy and I feel like Abraham Lincoln could walk past at any time there and he wouldn't be out of place. If you ever spent time in Havana when you lived in Tally....yikes, that entire town has "the south will rise again!" mentality.
Ah, you're a Buckeye too! That's great! *smile* I grew up in a rural area outside of Cincinnati. We didn't have any black people around, which might explain never hearing racist talk. However I attended high school and a university in Cinci and saw lots of African-Americans. Perhaps I lived in a bubble, but even there I rarely heard anyone using the "N" word, at least not among my friends and associates. Yes, I lived in Tally for eight years and have visited Havana a few times. What a coincidence. Who knows, we might have bumped into each other at some point. *grin* And you recognized the plantation I described? Yes, it was creepy. I half expected to see white hooded figures appear there for a rally. *shudder* In so many of these Southern towns there is a lot of neo-confederates. Hopefully that is weakening with the passage of time and with the influx of Yankees like us! *laugh*
