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It has been a while...(ramble)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Just1Dude, Jul 8, 2020.

  1. Just1Dude

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    ..since I have logged on. I've been feeling, like the rest of the world, pretty down again. My birthday was this past Friday and I hit 35. I'm so grateful to have been alive for another year and I'm hoping for many more, but inching closer to 40!

    My past feelings of sadness has boiled down to feeling "behind" my peers and they have been starting to creep up again.

    Let's see.. last time I was online.. I lacked a degree, wasn't out (still not fully), never had a boyfriend (still don't. This one can wait though), was still in my hometown (still am) etc.,

    Well I am happy to say that I finally achieved my long forgotten about AA degree and this December I will have my Bachelor's in Sociology and I might go for my Master's later on (I desperately need a break again!). It has been rough, but I have managed to stay close to a 4.0 this whole time. When I first started college out of high school it was F's, D's, C's and one or two B's. I am definitely not proud of that but looking back at my late teens and through my 20's I wasn't doing well in life at all. I was lying about who I was, I was suffering (like so many) through major anxiety and depression without any help as well as some family issues with my abusive ex step father. I may "only" be getting my bachelor's at 35, but I know so many other people who never had the chance or are getting their degree even later in life. It still doesn't help the feelings of earlier failure and that it has taken me so much longer than my peer group but I am still proud of myself. I am currently taking 2 classes and after the summer I will only have 4 classes left. I feel like the world might end before I get done! It feels surreal. Never thought this would happen.

    Another issue that I feel selfish about is feeling down about not being able to come out sooner. Now, atm I am only out to immediate family, a cousin, and a small handful of friends because the town I live in is not safe. Something I think about a lot is wishing I could have came out when I was out of high school. Live out in my 20's and pass college. Go travel and not live the way I actually did in my 20's. I feel cheated but then I think of the community before me.. some who never had the chance to be themselves. It makes me feel very selfish about complaining but those feelings still persist.

    I am hoping once I am able to move (no place is perfect but I can definitely find a place better than here) that I will be able to finally "live." I am a bit nervous about still not feeling comfortable with myself but that will come with time, I think. I'm even tossing around the idea of teaching abroad for a year (if covid allows...). Having this sense of finally being able to be "free" is wonderful but it still makes me wish it could have been earlier.

    This is pretty much just a ramble.. nobody needs to feel obligated to reply, but it helps typing it out since I don't have many people to talk to. Nobody in my family really wants to talk to me and I think my two friends I talk to are getting tired haha. I place this in the later in life because since the early 2000's (when I was fully understanding myself) and now life has changed a lot and whew.. 35 haha. Plus if anyone does have any comments or stories about these things I would love to read them.. even if I have read them before. :slight_smile: tyall.
     
  2. quadratic

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    Well, hey - there's some good things going on. I work at a university myself, and I know all too well that some students have it tough. As a teacher, I'm always drawn to the students who struggle. I was teaching a class of education students a while back, and one of them was having real difficulties keeping up, and though that she might drop out. I encouraged her to stay, pointing out that her struggles now may help her be a more empathetic teacher herself. The very worst teachers are those who've always found it easy, and say to students: "Just do it - it's not hard." So let me tell you that your achievement of getting a degree seems to me to be utterly wonderful.

    As humans, we are extremely good at self-sabotage, mainly by comparing ourselves to others (I'm an expert at it). No matter your achievements, there's always somebody better than you: smarter, better looking, richer, better relationship, happier... and so on. It's all crap. The higher you climb, the more insecure people seem to be.

    I don't know anything about you other than your "ramble" above, but your concerns, fears, and worries are not unique, and you sound like somebody who's had to make his way against overwhelming odds, and succeeded.
     
  3. mellissa

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    Congratulations on getting to where you are now. You have overcome many obstacles and I'm sure you will overcome more.