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It’s weird what I’m going through

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by blagh, Sep 25, 2019.

  1. blagh

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    I really do wish I could experience what gay guys do. But it feels like I’m trying to force something that just won’t happen. I just don’t feel that way around guys the way I do around girls.

    -The sweaty palms
    -The increased heartbeat
    -The intensity of the moment when you’re pressed up against them and your heart feels like it’s going to burst it’s so full
    -The utter infatuation & heartbreak of it all

    I just don’t get like that around guys. Ever.

    I don’t think it’s true, but I want it to be. It’s like I want something that can’t happen. I think I’ve truly gone insane. It’s like I’m experiencing what gay guys go through when they try to be straight.

    I’ve had sex with 2 guys - the first was hot and heavy and fucked up, likely stemming from the fact that it was a discrete anonymous meetup and both of us were dressed up in lingerie - it was just perverse fun. The second was way more of a normal date - there was tension in the air leading up to it, but the act itself had no chemistry at all. Both were nothing like when I’ve been with a girl, when it felt like my heart was going to strangle me from the inside and the universe was fundamentally realigned around just the two of us.

    I really do think that, from my point of view, when it comes to sexuality, there are two “true” polls - straight and gay. Everything in between is basically just a bit of perverse fun, but not truly the same thing, and we invent labels as a way of being “inclusive” and “understanding”. I’d love to be proven wrong, but I feel like it isn’t going to happen.
     
  2. confused155

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    bisexuality: the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

    What you’re describing sounds an awful lot like that. Doesn’t mean that can’t change one day or whatever, but it sounds like you have the capacity to be attracted to both sexes (correct me if I’m wrong). I wouldn’t worry about it too much and live your life openly and be open to yourself. If you find yourself liking more than one gender at times, go with it. It’s your life and you get to do with it whatever you choose. Only you get to determine your sexual identity.
     
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  3. cjmiller

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    For me, I didn't get a lot of these feelings until I come out to myself. I think my denial blocked them.
     
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  4. I'm gay

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    You may be doing yourself a disservice if you generalize your feelings from just two interactions with men. Your theory doesn't take into account that you didn't make an emotional connection to those particular guys. That doesn't mean you won't with a guy in the future, or even more so, that it might take multiple interactions with a guy before certain feelings emerge. Either way, I'm not sure you have enough "evidence" to make concrete conclusions just yet. Beware of making hasty conclusions.
     
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  5. blagh

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    I have to say that the second one was with someone I had a strong friendship with already - but for whatever reason, it didn't translate at all into romance or sex very well. It was very loving and intimate, but there was no charge to any of it.
     
  6. I'm gay

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    If at first you don't succeed ….

    Good luck!
     
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  7. Kwekie

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    Why do you *want* to like guys? Maybe thinking on that will help clarify; it could be that you want to be gay because you are, lol.
     
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  8. Kwekie

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    Guess I cant edit posts that were passed a certain time, since i cant edit the above one. I thought of a couple things after making that post id like to share:

    When I was much younger, I would have [in hindsight] crushes on guys, usually someone from a tv show i was watching. I would experience consciously this crush not as sexual or as a crush, just really deep admiration, respect, wanting to be around and like that person etc. Meanwhile, because I was young and horny and I was supposed to look at and being attracted to women, I did that too. But! And heres why I brought this up,

    I didnt really want to. I didnt really want to like girls and all that. I definitely didnt want to be gay, and I definitely pushed that as far down as I could, but I also resented women because I didnt find them that interesting. Sure I was really horny and they seemed fuckable enough, but I just...didnt have anyone I saw, in pop culture or in my personal life, that made me admire them, and life, and wonder at life because of them.

    After a while I started 'wanting' to be gay and thought of how great it would be. Over time 'wanting' was followed by realization...and to be honest, a bit of muted horror at that realization as well. Emotions are very complicated especially when you repress fundamental psychological desires. But tentatively I would say, if someone is wanting to be gay its probably better rephrased as, someone is gay and wants to give up the burden of running from that.

    Even if its not fully conscious or understood yet. It took me a long time.

    @sexual attraction generally; i think its very normal for gay men to be more particular about men than straight men are about women. Men are very visual, and theres a different power dynamic going on in gay relations than in straight ones. A lot of guys are douchebags, a lot of guys are also not particularly attractive-- and they get by on personality or business success, but in the gay world its all about visuals. The end result is this; you are qued to want to fuck everything attractive, but men are built to reproduce through success [social, physical, could be many dimensions] not beauty. The reality is objectively women are the more attractive sex. You add in power dynamics, taboos, and any emotional repression...totally would expect you to find many men unattractive, non attractive, or to have the occasional bad date/hookup.

    edit: I also would get really nervous and flustered and sweaty palms and all that from women, at least, until I accepted I was gay. I was always very nervous, alert, and tuned up when I was around girls, but I also never felt...like a man, in a sexual way. With women, i was always in my head and very consciously trying to make something happen, whereas with men...the right men anyway, it was bizarrely natural and erotic and sensual. I was also animalistically confident.

    not sure if any of this applies to you but hope it helps some
     
    #8 Kwekie, Sep 27, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2019
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