I really do wish I could experience what gay guys do. But it feels like I’m trying to force something that just won’t happen. I just don’t feel that way around guys the way I do around girls. -The sweaty palms -The increased heartbeat -The intensity of the moment when you’re pressed up against them and your heart feels like it’s going to burst it’s so full -The utter infatuation & heartbreak of it all I just don’t get like that around guys. Ever. I don’t think it’s true, but I want it to be. It’s like I want something that can’t happen. I think I’ve truly gone insane. It’s like I’m experiencing what gay guys go through when they try to be straight. I’ve had sex with 2 guys - the first was hot and heavy and fucked up, likely stemming from the fact that it was a discrete anonymous meetup and both of us were dressed up in lingerie - it was just perverse fun. The second was way more of a normal date - there was tension in the air leading up to it, but the act itself had no chemistry at all. Both were nothing like when I’ve been with a girl, when it felt like my heart was going to strangle me from the inside and the universe was fundamentally realigned around just the two of us. I really do think that, from my point of view, when it comes to sexuality, there are two “true” polls - straight and gay. Everything in between is basically just a bit of perverse fun, but not truly the same thing, and we invent labels as a way of being “inclusive” and “understanding”. I’d love to be proven wrong, but I feel like it isn’t going to happen.