1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

It’s tough being gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by 21zephyr, Mar 11, 2018.

  1. Caraldo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2017
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    123
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    Wow. My parents seemed homophobic as I was groing up. Fear of rejection surely played a part of my hiding in the closet, and when I was sexually involved with guys, and thinking I had to live my life this way, I had plans to quit college and move to a big city. As the years passed, they became more progressive in their thought. Years ago, my wife made comments that led my mother to tell me that I was okay as far as she was concerned , AND I STILL COULDN'T SAY IT! So I can definitely understand. As my marriage was really coming apart (not really directly related to my homosexuality), I didn't have the courage to come out to my parents until they went to Janet and Karen's wedding and posted about it on Facebook, with pictures of them with the brides, declaring their support for gay marriage to all. I can't really give you much advice, I just want you to know I feel for you, and appreciate you sharing your story.
     
    New2gquest, Richard321 and 21zephyr like this.
  2. TravelerMe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2015
    Messages:
    210
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Midwest US
    21zephyr

    Everyone has given you great advice here; Just wanted to say a man in my support group came out and divorced his wife in his 70's! One day he looked around the room and said "If I have hope you young guys sure can" I'm 50 haha so the lesson is its never too late to be true to yourself.
     
  3. 21zephyr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    134
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Caraldo:

    Thanks for the reply,

    I spent a lot of time trying to gain my mother’s love, but unfortunately it was never meant to happen. If I came out to her... she would probably be OK until she got pissed at me again... then the gay slurs would flow. She has some mental illness and is OK on good days but is a psycho on bad days. I’m 50 and she still affects me. I probably wouldn’t have anything to do with her except she still lives with my dad- who I love dearly. He’s suffering from memory loss so I want to share as much lucid time as possible with him.

    My limited coming out has been a relief for me, but I don’t even know another gay male, other than here, on Empty Closets. I’ve not been with a guy, but I’m gaining courage to test the waters. Hopefully someone wonderful will walk into my life, but I know I have get out there in order for this to happen. Just having the opportunity to read stories from others has made a huge difference. Everyone on this site has been so kind!!!!!
     
    Richard321 likes this.
  4. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,245
    Likes Received:
    168
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You crack me up. My mom has been dead for ~5 years and she still effects me.

    I call dealing with internalized homophobia phasing. I went through many phases. No I cant be gay but god that guy over there is so fucking hot. OK I'm bi (you see that one a lot here on ECs). OK Im a fag. God I've never kissed a guy yet and I call myself gay, like what gives? On and on.

    Yup thats pretty much my story too. But I've been bold and reached out. I hung with a few gay guys for new years (met through a gay club). I had a blast. We are still laughing at stuff that happened that night. Ah thats the secret. Replacing fear and shame with joy.

    I have not either. But NOW I fantasize about it. This is new for I 'v never thought about it. So it will happen. After reading in one of the books I suggested to you about gay baths I went to a couple in Las Vegas. Well that was a learning experience. No sex but I learned a lot. Lol, the towels have a colored stripe in the center. One color means you prefer to be a bottom. Another color implies top. No strip means you can go either way. As I said it was a learning experience.

    Yup your'll a teenager all over again. Go out and buy some cool clothes. (being the frugal type I hit a hip thrift store and found some really cool contemporary items.)

    One last thing, a warning. Do not know about our childhood, teen years, but after dealing with my sexuality thing, off comes the psychological abuse thing, primarily by my mom. So you say your mom has a situation. Be forewarned that a bunch of psychological shit may come out at you. I've had flash backs, shaking, people yelling at me telling me I'm basically worthless, on and on.

    Be safe.
     
    #24 brainwashed, Mar 14, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2018
    New2gquest, Richard321 and 21zephyr like this.
  5. 21zephyr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    134
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Brainwashed-

    I really enjoyed your responses!!! I will get to reading your book recommendations this weekend.

    My CAM (Crazy Ass Mother), as my sisters and I affectionately call her, has become less and less of an obstacle in my life. However, she still interjects her nastiness once in a while. Luckily I live an hour from them- I visit on weekends and try to keep it short. I will never let her be part of my “out” life.

    I believe we have a large genetic/biological part of our sexuality... however my overbearing mother, passive father, only boy in the family and three older sisters and three younger sisters kind of stacked the deck against me. However, for once in my life I don’t give a shit that I’m gay, because I can’t change it. Right now I want to start meeting people so I can explore what I’ve always known!!! I’ve never experienced love and I’m anxious to give it a go...

    Thanks for the bathhouse tips- not sure I’m that bold, but who knows I feel like I need to try some things out of my comfort zone. Just being on this site has made me more willing to explore my sexuality!!!

    People on this site have made me feel some self-worth again!!! My gratitude is more than you guys will ever know!!!
     
    New2gquest likes this.
  6. MOGUY

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2014
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Missouri
    I just finished a great book written by Brene Brown titled “The Gifts of Imperfections”. It has been a great read for me and I think you’ll find a lot of help in it as well. Best of luck to you!
     
    New2gquest and 21zephyr like this.
  7. 21zephyr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    134
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks, I’ll check it out sometime soon!!!!
     
  8. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,245
    Likes Received:
    168
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Oh wow I'll check that book out. Thanks for the tip.
     
  9. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,245
    Likes Received:
    168
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It took a long time to find what type of book works for me. What you are ultimately searching for is ground, zero, a starting point. I call this grounding.

    Bath houses. I did not engage in sex at a bath house. But there was one other couple there who were well on their way. On weekdays it's pretty tame. I could see evidence that weekends things happen. Established gay men I talk to they have never been to a bath house. They find the whole idea disgusting. In one of the stories in one of the books I've read, a persons reaction when visiting a bath house is a pretty good indicator of their sexuality.

    As Chip and others and me will say, arm yourself with knowledge before having sex. You do not want to complicate your life with diseases. And I've heard stories confessing they are disease free when in actuality they are not. There are a LOT OF JERKS out there.

    Because I'm basically an teen abuse victim, I will have to find love for a person before having sex with that person.
     
    #29 brainwashed, Mar 15, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2018
    21zephyr likes this.
  10. 21zephyr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    134
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks again for good advice. My goal is companionship. I just want someone to share my life with. Of course there is the physical part, but considering I’ve not even kissed a guy, that part will likely be a ways away, if ever. I’m not desperate to find gay sex, I want to find gay friendship and take it from there. Guess things could happen quickly or not at all. I’m generally pretty cautious, and want to live a disease free life. For now I’ll stick to EC and reading some books- now I sound like a nerd- that will sure attract the fellows!!!!
     
    slowmo and New2gquest like this.
  11. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,557
    Likes Received:
    357
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    "For now I’ll stick to EC and reading some books- now I sound like a nerd- that will sure attract the fellows!!!!"

    You would be surprised to find out just how many guys are attracted to intelligent people...be yourself, above all else, but be yourself where you can be visible to others! Whether online, or through community organizations, or bars; let yourself be seen.

    It is an unfortunate consequence of HIV-AIDS and the resurgence of certain drug-resistant strains of other STDs that gay sex is too often associated with disease...for the record, the vast majority of LGBT people are perfectly able to manage these issues while still enjoying sex, in fact, it is a very good strategy to learn sexual techniques that actually enhance and elevate sexual practices while minimizing risks. It really is about realizing that goal-directed sex (i.e. racing to the finish line of orgasm) is, in itself, a risk factor. Learn the moves and positions that can prolong and enhance the experience, if you get good enough, you will find that orgasm is just a tiny cherry on the top of a smorgasbord of possible delights!

    There is no such thing as risk-free sex (full-body condoms were a flop...). Whether it is gay sex, or straight sex, the best way to protect yourself from these risks is to be as informed about them as you possibly can. With the internet, there is no absence of relatively reliable information and no excuse for not knowing what you are up against. Get acquainted with local clinics who specialize in testing, and when (not if!) you become sexually active, do use their services and advice.
     
    #31 greatwhale, Mar 16, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2018
  12. bearheart

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2014
    Messages:
    141
    Likes Received:
    58
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @21zephyr, my first man kiss was this last Monday and I am 52, and he is 53, and his first man kiss too. I had the same thoughts as you that it'll probably take me years, if not at all, to find someone who would be a good friend and lover, someone who would take it easy and understand me. And although it happened with us literally overnight, it is not common, but it is possible. I met my man through online dating site, one of the known sites for straight as well as gay people, so not one that was sex-oriented only. Take your time putting a profile that talks about yourself, make it clear that you're not desperate for sex, in our case, we both clearly mentioned that our goal is a long term relationship and sex wasn't on the table. The more your profile contains sincere information about who you are and what your life goals are, the easier you'll find someone who matches you .. or he'll find you!

    I also live in a small rural community in PA, with almost no LGBT community support, and being closeted, it wasn't an option to open up to anyone in my community. I did reach out to a larger city nearby and I did select an LGBT friendly therapist to talk to regularly. All of this, with the support of the EC community, helped me a lot through my journey. I'm still in the middle, struggling with challenges, which will continue for a while, but those challenges and fears are not going to stop me from pursuing what I am.

    I wish you all the best @21zephyr
     
    #32 bearheart, Mar 16, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2018
  13. 21zephyr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    134
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Congrats on finding someone!!!! That gives the rest of us hope! Each day I read posts, see some amazing advice and I feel I’m closer to finding someone to love! Thanks for taking the time to be kind!!!!!
     
    slowmo, New2gquest and bearheart like this.
  14. New2gquest

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2018
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Part of the fear you mention is related to confidence.
    Are you really sure of your feelings? And more importantly those nagging thoughts and doubts.

     
  15. 21zephyr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    134
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I’m 100% sure I’m gay. I have longed to be with a man my whole life. Plus my failed heterosexual relationships ensue that life isn’t for me at all. I had a great friend who I had a deep connection with and wished he was gay. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case and we have gone our separate ways. That relationship cemented the fact that I wanted to be with a man the rest of my life. I would move if I found someone in a different city. Right now finding someone is my goal.
     
    New2gquest likes this.
  16. New2gquest

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2018
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Sorry. That’s the problem with late night emotional posts. I didn’t mean that you had that question. I think some of us may have had and still have that doubt.
    I can’t believe I’m even on this forum and writing this.
    I am sorry for your your friend. It sounds like he missed out on a great opportunity.
    You seem to have done well in accepting yourself.
    The nagging doubt stage is where I (and maybe others?) are now.
    Still this is an Amazing place. I will write more of my crazy story later.
    Congratulations and all the best
    Totally confuse
     
  17. 21zephyr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    134
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    No worries, no apologies needed. Being gay is the only thing I’m sure of. The rest is pretty much a mess. Honestly I just want to meet some gay people and go from there. Who knows, someone might be dumb enough to want to be with me.

    Thanks for being supportive, that’s the best thing going for me right now.
     
  18. New2gquest

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2018
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    Thank you! I’d hate to come offnsoundinf like some bigoted ass the first time on this board. It’s a relief that you are so confident. As you can tell by my questions I’m totally not.
    Confusion is the name of the game. (That and a whale sized does of guilt). We can agree all of Life is a mess.
    Happy to be supportive! That’s why we are here. To give and get support. I’m sure there’s someone out there.
    I’m not even brave enough ornaure enough to write to write my story yet.
    Maybe this is a safe place to meet gay people?
     
  19. 21zephyr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    134
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    There are so many of us who are trying to figure things out, and this place is awesome. Your story will come out when you are ready, just being on here is a huge step. You are probably braver than you realize- just don’t give up, I almost did.

    I think this site is a great support place and a safe place to be yourself. I have yet to meet someone on here who hasn’t been awesome to me!!!
     
  20. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,557
    Likes Received:
    357
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi New2gquest, welcome to EC!

    Yes, it is a very safe place to "meet" many gay people and others on the LGBTQ spectrum from all around the world, but just to be very clear: this is a site for support and not for dating. I hope you learn a lot here as you embark on this great adventure!