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It’s tough being gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by 21zephyr, Mar 11, 2018.

  1. 21zephyr

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    I’ve known since I was 10 or 11 that I was gay. However, being from a small, conservative Midwest town, I knew being out wasn’t an option for me. I have lived a life of lies and broken heterosexual relationships until 6 months ago, when I finally came out to a “friend”... who in turn threatened to “out” me to the community where I am a visible leader. It is a long story, but it mostly involved jealousy. After a suicide attempt, I finally came out to a dozen or so close friends and family members. I’ve never been with a guy, but I know I’m gay. I’m still a little scared to be out, but I know I would be accepted.

    My concern is- I’m just past 50 and I’ll never meet anyone. I am not near any larger communities and I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to, that’s why I’m here. I’m scared of “dating” apps and Craigslist seems a bit like prostitution. I’m mostly lonely and want someone or a group to help share my journey of coming out. The people I’ve come out to have been nice, but after a few days they aren’t interested in talking about it- I am in desperate need of support. I have been to counseling for 6 months, but my counselor just suggests moving to a larger city. That would be great advice if I weren’t so scared to start over. Any suggestions?
     
  2. justaguyinsf

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    I would try to find the nearest LGBT center and see what they have to offer. I would also check out meetup.com and find the nearest groups for gay men who do some things you'd be interested in (e.g., hiking, camping, reading, etc.), join them, and then do what I needed to get involved, even if it meant driving several hours. Your counselor may be right that a move may eventually be necessary, but if you "try out" a new place over time you won't be so scared to move, if you decided to do that. I think dating apps are generally used for hooking up, and I don't use them. Craigslist is sort of the bottom of the barrel in my book, although they have a "misc. romance" section; I suppose good relationships develop from meeting on Craigslist but it seems like the odds are really against you.
     
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  3. 21zephyr

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    Thanks for the response... I will check out your suggestions.
     
  4. quebec

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    21zephyr....I came out here on empty closets when I was 64, three years ago. Since then I have come out to my wife, oldest son and a few special friends. I do understand how you feel. For the first year and a half to two years I was so desperate to talk to people who were gay and would help me understand. I ask and shared a lot here on empty closets...by the way WELCOME to empty closets! I managed to find three friends who were gay and would talk to me, but they were all in other parts of the country or in Europe. So I did a lot of Skype and Facetime with them. I am also from a small rural town (10,000) with NO LGBTQ resources. I am also so well known in this town that I have had to be very careful who I have come out to. There are just way too many people who would not take it well and cause a lot of problems for my family and close friends. Moving to a larger city would certainly have some pluses, but I am not willing to uproot my wife and move away from my children and grandchildren. I do travel to a larger city (150,000) once or twice a month for various reasons and while there have attended a gay men's therapy group several times...my therapist is also in this city. When I can't go to him we also Skype each week. As you can see I have resorted to technology to help me connect with other LGBTQ folks and that has helped a lot. The few times in the last three years...maybe 6-8 times...when one of those friends have been here in my town have been a really wonderful time of sharing and just being with someone where I don't have to put on my "mask". I hope that you can work out some kind of system like I have. If not, it would seem that moving might be a good option. Wish you only the very best...
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  5. fvpa01

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    I can definitely feel some of your pain. I’m 44 and have gone thru one failed or self-sabotaged relationship after another. I’ve known (at least inside) that I was gay since probably before I knew what gay was and have lived the same lie, only very recently finally admitting to myself aloud that I was indeed gay. I’ve come out to my parents and one friend, but I too have yet to be with a man. I plan on changing that though.

    As for your friend that was empathic enough to threaten you... wow... not cool.

    Interesting what your therapist said about moving to a large city. I can tell you this; I just relocated and that, I’m positive, is the only reason I even came out to myself let alone a few others. I was tired of the lying and making everyone else happy (I felt) by trying to be a normal straight guy. So I figured with an opportunity there I’d just reinvent myself to a degree and friends I leave behind are just that. Some I may eventually come out to, others I won’t and it’ll be a moot point because the friendships will fade over distance. My new friends will know and they’ll accept me for what I am... or they won’t and they can F off. If they don’t accept me it won’t hurt in the same way a long-time friends unacceptance would though, so that’s livable. If you can uproot with a job and so on, and it’s a close comfortable distance from where you’re at now, but still far enough away for you to be yourself and have a better shot at meeting people, friends and more, you may want to give it some thought.

    And Craigslist... I feel dirty just reading that stuff. The apps too. When I’m ready I think I’ll try to meet some guys thru something a little more reputable... a non-free relationship site that isn’t just hook ups. I could make a friend or more... but either way it’ll give me an opportunity to be around other gay men without having to be in an out and proud event... because I’m only sort of out and still trying to deal with the pride part. A work in progress.

    Hope this gives you something to think about.
     
  6. fvpa01

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    And this isn’t helpful... but regarding suicide - I too have had serious thoughts over the years. I’ve always kept them in check though by knowing that if I took my own life and could somehow change my mind after the fact... I know I would, that it was temporary helplessness and not worth losing my life over. Unfortunately suicide doesn’t work that way, you can’t change your mind, and it’s that knowledge that has let me move on.

    I’m hoping that with more freedom to be me I’ll find a place where if the thoughts do creep in... they’re not creeping in based on something as vast as me not being happy with what makes me... me. I’m a gay dude... not worth dying over.
     
  7. fvpa01

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    Still not done... I can ramble forever.

    I’m no expert for sure... and without even having been with a man yet it’s perhaps presumptive for me to say I’ll definitely meet someone... but I know I will. And the same goes for you. Don’t say you’ll never meet anyone. Me? I’ve said that for years... but I said it as a 44 year old straight-playing man wanting to meet a woman hoping it’d make everything better. And that is where yes, I’d never meet anyone.

    But you and I, as gay men ‘over a certain age’ can meet people. Friends, flings if we want them, and even a long term love thing. Guys are out there for us. Gay guys come in all age brackets and all stages of out(ness). We just have to meet them which is doable, I think, when we accept we’re gay and what we’re looking for is a gay man, not a straight woman that’ll keep the lies going and somehow make us happy.

    With me this is all easier as of late because of a new city, a larger one. I’m still in the Midwest but in a city I’m much better off in my current stage of accepting myself and getting the life I only recently admitted I want.

    Okay... I’ll try to shut up for a bit. Lol
     
  8. JaimeGaye

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    It's tough being gay.
    It's tough being straight.
    It's tough being single.
    It's tough being human.
    I can but sympathize with anyone who was forced to keep themselves hidden away until late in life as finding a compatible partner or even a long term hook up friend in ones elder years becomes much more difficult.
    Count your every blessing if and when you find one.
     
  9. 21zephyr

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    Thanks guys- you give me hope! What I like most about this site is the fact that people are so supportive! We all have a story to tell, and it is easier for me to tell mine when I am anonymous. My story isn’t much different than others, but there aren’t many people who get it like you guys get it. I’m somewhat shy and that hurts my cause because I’m afraid of getting out there and getting rejected- but that’s probably all of us. Guess I have to put on my big boy pants and give it a try. I’m not going to meet someone just sitting on my couch. However, sitting on my couch has given me the opportunity to have a pleasant conversation with all of you!
     
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  10. Markster

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    Your story is almost my story, but you're 12 years younger! Though you have an age advantage, I am in a more populated area where more resources are available. However, being "out" only 2 months, I am naive to think a community of gays will find me. I have to do the work to find them. You're SO right, 21zephyr: being gay is tough'n But. We. Can. Do. This! Take heart!
     
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  11. greatwhale

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    It is great advice and you are scared to start over...

    Being past a certain age, say 50 or so, does not give us a pass to stop living our lives, it does not absolve us of the need to take risks; heck, at our age, we are better able to manage these risks anyway, which is why for example, many businesses started by people later in life tend to survive longer and do better...that is the advantage of having learned a few things, we have resources that we never could have had when we were younger!

    Sure, it's scary to start over, but fear is not your enemy it is your friend, it is there to keep you alert and on your toes; not to paralyze you into inaction. Your fear is your guide, it is telling you where you need to go, where your soul needs to be.

    Here is a far scarier thought to me: not living my life the way I was meant to live it. I use that fear to motivate me to take action because the prospect of things not changing in this short life is one I am not willing to accept.

    This is the fundamental question: what do you value most? The status quo or being who you are? Until you make this fundamental decision, and act on it, nothing will change. Let the fear happen, learn from it, then set it aside, you have bigger fish to fry...make a move, you have so much more to gain than to lose!
     
  12. Caraldo

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    Wow, I am just blown away by the number of similar stories to mine. I too am luving in middle America, however, at least my town has an established LGBTQ community . However , I am facing the same issue of possibly needing to relocate, because even though many know or have had inklings of the truth, the idea of being openly gay in my home town where I know probably over one thousand people is overwhelming, but I can't live a lie anymore. I have to get things settled with my divorce, and get my kids through school, but 3 years from now I very well pull up stakes to find a place where I can at least make friends that I will be comfortable being honest with.
     
  13. 21zephyr

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    Markster, I wish you the best, and thanks for responding. I guess the most important thing is for me to keep trying. Just having your support and the support of this site means a lot. Wish I would have found this place sooner. Luckily times are more accepting- coming out didn’t even seem like an option when I was younger!
     
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  14. 21zephyr

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    I wish you well- I am sort of envious of you for having kids. Other than not coming out sooner, my other regret is not having kids. Luckily I have some pretty amazing nieces and nephews that I get to see on a regular basis.

    The other hard part are my parents. My father is in his mid-90s and is suffering from Alzheimer’s. I won’t tell him I’m gay, because he wouldn’t understand. However, had I told him earlier he would have been great- he is the kindest person I know. My mother is a lot younger and is the reason I never came out. Her family is the most homophobic group of people I’ve ever met. I’m sure she would make comments and use gay slurs toward me if I told her. She is marginally in my life and not worth the effort and pain to tell. My siblings know and have been so supportive!!!
     
  15. PatrickUK

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    Your counsellor offered good advice, but I fully understand how daunting it must be to start over. Having said that, I totally agree with greatwhale about taking risks. Life is always a balance between risk and reward and in so many cases we're willing to take those risks, but when it comes to our sexuality, even notorious risk takers can become risk averse. I know a gay guy who is a real thrill seeker - bungee jumps, skydives, abseiling, rock climbing, snowboarding and allsorts of extreme sports... he will literally risk his life for a thrill. In his professional life he has set up businesses from scratch... risking his financial security and home to do so, but when it came to his sexuality he shrank from the decision to come out for ages. I just couldn't make him see that he had taken much bigger risks in life. Age gives us the ability to reflect on the risks we have taken... something that's not so easy for young people.

    How willing are you to travel to the city for meet ups and dates? Maybe you need to test the water first and make some good contacts in the city, before taking the plunge as your counsellor suggested. In other words, mitigate the risk and feel less daunted because you have some resources and people to turn to.

    People are living much longer and healthier lives, so you are not past it at 50. If you take care of yourself, you have years ahead of you. You just need to believe.
     
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  16. Pole star

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    So true. I have taken all sorts of risk with my career and a lot of other things in life but when it comes to personal life I am afraid to take risks. Maybe the fear of failure.
    I would also agree that it is better to test the waters gradually and see how things are developing before making a big move. Something I have been doing. If I were in my twenties I would have upped my bags and moved in a split second but now in my forties I am becoming careful!
     
    #16 Pole star, Mar 12, 2018
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  17. brainwashed

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    Lol, I love the prostitution analogy. It's so true. There's so much you can do right from where you are at, right now.

    Heres a few quick tips to how I approached it. Not in any specific order.
    a) Work up to 50 posts on ECs and apply for full membership. Why? So you can get PM (private message) privileges. Then find a willing ECs member and PM with him (or her) and OPEN UP. I did this. There were about 400 PM messages between us. It felt fantastic to find someone who listened and connected.
    b) Keep a journal. Why? So you can write down and reflect on the things that truly concern you.
    c) Go and attend a PRIDE event. Every time I attend I accept myself more and more. Now I love attending them.
    d) On noted holidays go to places with gay bars and participate in the festivities. I just did this for New Years 2018. I had a blast.
    e) Recommended to me by a psychologist: Exercise (such as walking) 3 to 5 times a week. Do not kill yourself. Eat right, no junk food, Drink plenty of water, the brain loves it, Get plenty of sleep.
    f) Start reading gay themed books. If you need suggestions, hit me up on my public wall. (this is something my PM mentor suggested I do, he was spot on.)
    g) Online gay social groups, find them, join them. Phoenix has a few great MeetUp gay groups, so I got lucky there.
    f) Find something (hobby) that brings you joy. Doing this fills in for when you are feeling low.

    Thats it dude. Roll up your sleeves and get going. I'd love to hear how/why you knew you were gay at ~10.
     
    #17 brainwashed, Mar 12, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2018
  18. 21zephyr

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    Love your post!!! Thanks for the tips and encouragement they seem doable. I was thinking of going to Pride Toronto this summer... because I’m such a chicken and have to go out of the country Actually, I read it was a great event. Anyone have a better suggestion? I’m willing to travel anywhere.
     
  19. 21zephyr

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    Hey Brainwashed:

    You asked....I'd love to hear how/why you knew you were gay at ~10.

    Here is my story: A group of us kids were always together and one day we were at a gravel pit. One of the girls dared us all to strip. There were 4 guys and 3 girls and we all stripped. One older boy was 13 and going through puberty. He walked around showing off, I couldn’t get him off my mind. Even though I didn’t know about being gay, I never stopped thinking about him for a long time. Silly story, but that’s when I knew I liked boys instead of girls. I grew up in a house where nobody was ever open about their body. That was the first time I remember seeing someone naked, much less with hair down below. Even for a young kid, it made a huge impact on me! Thanks for asking, it brought a smile to my face thinking about it.
     
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  20. brainwashed

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    Cool

    I have a model for dealing with my sexuality. Five steps forward, one to four steps backwards. Very much like hiking up a sand dune.

    I found I have to push myself. Its very easy to get into a comfort grove and not do anything.

    On the extreme side I went to Paris Pride parade. There at the parade I was very open as to who I was. I was in a funk before going and needed to break out of it. So on a whim I went. (caution: French men (some) are hot. Lol, mind your gazing eyes.) The whole process of traveling out of country, doing something out of element felt good. . ,
     
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