Yesterday was my second time seeing my new therapist. I was already feeling overwhelmed and stressed before going. My husband and I had a talk before and that’s what caused my current state of mind. He makes me feel like I’m always the blame for our marriage problems. And yes I have been withdrawn from him but that’s because he’s emotionally distance from me. He has been for last two and half years. He constantly wants to know what I’m thinking and I tell him but he doesn’t reciprocate. He uses later whatever I have said against me in a argument. It makes me so alone and frustrated. We use to talk very openly about everything to one another, but since his dad passed away three years ago he shut down. I recommended we go to therapy but he refused to go said he will be ok. He started drinking heavily at first but eventually slow down after I talked to him about it. He still drinks every night and I don’t like it but have just given up trying to get him to quit. He’s from a family of alcoholics so he grew up around drinking. So back to my therapist session, whenever she sees me I’m smiling a really big smile. She ask if I’m in a great mood today and I tell her know and what I’m feeling. She gives me a perplexing look and says then why are you smiling. I had no answer other to say it’s what I do no matter how I feel. I go on to tell how I’ve always been this way since I was a kid. Didn’t want to stress my mom or siblings, so focused on by being a no trouble child. Always pretending to in a happy mood no matter what. I’ve done this my whole life and I’m tired. Tired of everyone expecting me to be in a happy mood all the time. People on the outside think my life is perfect but it’s not. I guess I wanted to know if anyone else feels like I do. Sorry if any of this doesn’t makes sense writing is not my strongest suite.
If people notice you seem upset or down or pissed off about something, they are often quick to tell you "don't let it get you down" or "cheer up, it could be worse." Well, fuck that advice. Sometimes we do need to be down about something. Some times we need to have a good moan and rant to get things off our chest. And we can't get these things off our chest if someone is telling us not to get upset about the thing that is bothering us. Venting is good for us, it is healthy. Pretending we are content when we are actually in a very bad mood, is not healthy. So yes, I do think we need to be down at times. If we are feeling down constantly and for long periods of time, then it is worth seeking help from a professional psychologist. But getting down and pissed off about something now and then is perfectly normal. And people who are our friends should listen to us when we want to moan about something, not tell us not to worry about it. That tells me they don't actually care about our feelings. And that's when we end up feeling alone and unappreciated.
Thank you @Nice Dave, its taking me 38 years to realize that I don’t always have to be in “Happy Mode” all the time. Had to hear that from someone I just met to get that in my thick head. I always felt that if I wasn’t in a happy mood everyone else wouldn’t be either. That people relied on to me to keep everything so cheery all the time. And I did feel like my feelings didn’t matter to others. They just expected me to ok all the time like I’m some robot. Well I need a break, time out, and a nap cause I feel so exhausted.
We can't be responsible for everyone's emotions. It's hard enough to keep control of our own emotions without having to worry about what everyone else is thinking and feeling. It annoys me if someone says "you don't seem like your cheerful self". I'm not cheerful all the time, I'm human. If you want to cheer me up, pour me a cup of tea or give me a big slice of chocolate cake, that usually cheers me up. Make a nice gesture and give me a reason to smile, don't just expect me to cheer up for your sake. Another thing is when I do open up about what's bothering me and people try to come up with solutions (usually bad ones which I've already tried and have failed) I don't actually want someone to fix my problems for me, I just like somebody to listen, and if they have been through a similar experience that they can relate my problem to, then that can be a help as well. But don't try to take the sadness from me, let me own it.
Yes I feel like I just need to let all my emotions flow threw me. My husband thinks I will return to happy mode just from a simple talk. There’s nothing worse than someone expecting you to get over or cover up your feelings. Even though I feel like crap I also feel like I’m being real. It feels good like taking a hot shower after a long grueling day. Right about now I would take a chocolate cake over lecture any day.
It sounds like you're in a rough place and you're far from alone in your struggles. I don't have a husband, but I understand rough relationships where there's blame, criticism, invalidation. I'm in a better place now since I've made changes in what I do and how I talk in relationships. It's still tough because I'm still rebuilding good relationship in my life. I use to smile no matter what for friends when I was younger (stopped at 12), so I understand that. I didn't want others to feel like I did, so I gave my best to my friends. Though I stopped pretending to be happy, I still very much lived for others and being very put together. Being strong no matter what happened. Being okay no matter how others acted. Being the "bigger person". When I'm actually hurt, angry, or depleted inside. It's not being human. It is tiring emotionally and mentally to be, or at least appear to be, happy, together, agreeable, etc. Even talking about this I feel exhausted. It sounds like you're making an effort to care for yourself, good on you! ♡
This is a big problem that I face too! Even when I'm stressed and exhausted af, I always put on a happy face for my friends. However, one friend that I have in particular is VERY perceptive. Somehow, she was able to figure me out in half a year; mind you, my own parents are constantly asking me what I'm thinking and this amazing girl knows almost as soon as she sees me. XD She kinda forces me to open up, because she won't stop pestering until I tell her the truth. I recommend telling friends about how you feel. Although, a therapist is a really great option for releasing built-up tension too.
Thank you @Cinnamon Bunny, sometimes I don’t even know why I’m smiling, it’s like a knee jerk reaction. I’m really trying to stop putting on a front for everyone, it’s really unhealthy for me. Oh my mom always use that term “Be the bigger person”, it always made want to scream. I appreciate your kind words.
@Estelle its great you have someone looking out for like that. That type of person is invaluable, keep her close. I only decided to see a therapist, because I don’t have any friends near by to talk to. I call them but they have lives of there own. All my family lives far away and I only have my husband family here. Don’t really trust or like them very much. So a therapist it is.
