I’m writing this on a Sunday evening, alone in my room. It’s kind of a refuge for me. I have written here on EC about my sexual orientation, about a special friend who brought me both happiness and despair (and in the process helped propel me fast forward to the man I am today), and about a long time friend who has given me a fresh perspective on living an authentic life as a gay man. What has become clear to me is that my marriage with my wife is at a standstill. It moves along now just in a status quo mode. As I sit here writing this it’s just so self-evident to me on many levels of our relationship, that my sexual orientation is actually only on the periphery, not even the main concern. We always have had a sort of emotional distance between us, but we managed to make it work because both of us understood what was expected of us. This past year, with its pandemic restrictions, has only heightened this awareness for me that my marriage no longer functions. There’s no yelling, no animosity, just a sense of it is what it is, two separate persons living together, not much different than two single people sharing expenses. My priorities, my interests are not her priorities, her interests. And as the time passes, the emotional separation seems to expand. Although my sexual orientation is no doubt a factor, I don’t see it as the only factor, even the primary factor. We have just simply grown apart and I don’t see any common ground to rebuild on. Yet I don’t see an easy exit. I am financially dependent on my wife more than she is dependent on me. The practical problems of tearing our life into two seems like a complicated mess. The only winners will be the lawyers. We have another house nearby that sits empty now. It was our primary home while her parents were still alive. When her parents died, my wife inherited her parents’ house, and that is where we are now, so that, as she put it, we can be together. For her, this is her home. She has lived here, or in close proximity, her entire life. For me it has never felt like my home. She has renovated the house to her tastes. My advice has been largely ignored. My role is to make sure the renovations are done correctly according to her wishes. Within the next few months the work will be completed. Then we can take a serious look at the other house. I’m thinking of going to stay there, ostensibly to coordinate the renovations there. But more importantly to me, to give me the opportunity to really be on my own again after so many years. To evaluate where I am now, where I see myself going forward. This is on my mind on this particular Sunday because several small things occurred today that made me want to just walk out now, but I retreated to my room to calm down. This post is my way to vent my frustration and also my way to find a workable solution. Thank you for reading. Your suggestions are welcomed.