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Is this what a crush feels like?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TheStormInside, Nov 16, 2015.

  1. TheStormInside

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    So.. I think I am going through my first "real" crush since I've started coming out to myself. And I am finding the breadth and depth of the emotions highly overwhelming.

    A month or two ago, my friend introduced me to this girl, A. She'd wanted us to meet and brought it up a couple of times, and finally revealed to me A is "very bi." So, I eventually ended up hanging out with my friend SC, A, and SC's husband, watching Doctor Who. I was immediately intimidated, because A is, well, totally hot, very fit, and quite confident and intelligent. Let's just say, way out of my league? I enjoyed hanging out with her and when SC asked if I'd be up for it again I told her yes, but things kept coming up, and I didn't see her again until Halloween.

    Here's where things get complicated. I have two guy friends who met her that night who are also expressing interest. JS is a flirt, and a pretty attractive guy to boot, and he totally started putting the moves on her. This has happened now both times the group of us have hung out. JR out and out told some of us that he likes A, but he has no confidence and saw JS swooping in and was lamenting over that.

    As for me, at first I was interested, now I'm starting to become, well, fixated. I have a hard time sleeping in the first place, and I find the nights I don't sleep well, I'm thinking about her. I'm stressing about JS having a fling and pushing her away, or otherwise getting into a relationship with her before I can get the nerve to do anything more. A is not only attractive, but has a lot of nerdy interests I share in common with her, so even if things don't work out romantically she is someone I would very much like to develop a friendship with. Anyway, I think about A all the time. I feel like a nerdy school girl with a crush on the hot popular guy (except in this case, it's a hot, popular, nerdy girl). The crushes I've had in the past have been strong, but not like this. The physical component, shall we say, is also entirely new. I'm drowning in emotions, in some ways I'm very glad this happened, because it's confirming for me my feelings that I'm gay. I'm also experiencing so many things that I never felt or understood before. At the same time, I'm utterly stressed and anxious, and having a hard time coping with these feelings. And, I'm hemming and hawing, trying to decide what to do. Friends and my therapist have suggested becoming friends with A first, and that's what I'm attempting for now.

    Anyway... I needed to get that off my chest. I feel like those of you here in the Later in Life forum may relate to this explosion of emotion, after so many years of dead, dull ones.
     
  2. SonicBoom

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    Yep, "you got it bad". :grin:

    [YOUTUBE]q8HcWBfspoY[/YOUTUBE]


    I'm sure your friends and therapist have mentioned this to you but I will re mention it.

    It is OK to be crushing on her but don't be destroyed if things don't work out like you hope.

    I really am rooting for you and I really do hope you SCORE. :grin:

    I wish you the best. (*hug*)
     
    #2 SonicBoom, Nov 16, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2015
  3. Iamqm

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    I'm probably not supposed to be here, because I'm still so very young (although I must add that age doesn't matter to me that much, I do think that from a certain point on we can all somehow relate, more or less). But I saw your title and just had to look at the post. I do think that you have a crush on this girl, the way you describe it is just so "on point".

    The "explosion of emotion" you mention is basically what a crush seems to feel like, and yes, being anxious is a part of it.

    I wish you all the best!
     
  4. TheStormInside

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    SonicBoom- Yeeah you're right, I got it bad :lol: . I'm normally a very logical person, so the irrationality of obsessing over a person I hardly know is a little baffling for me! But, it's good to know it's normal. Funnily, my friends and therapist haven't said that, but it is very good advice and I am trying to bear it in mind. I'm sure if things don't work out there will be other queer nerd girls.

    iamqm- Thanks!
     
  5. Really

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    Something that occurred to me is that wouldn't SC have also asked A originally if she had wanted to meet you? I've never done any matchmaking but isn't that how it works? I'm thinking there must have been some interest at the start even if it was just, "yes, I'd like to meet a girl."

    Don't worry about those two guys. You're in a leagues of your own. Let's just hope she's good enough for you.
     
  6. YeahpIdk

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    Hahaha. I love @Really 's reply. I agree, if your friend was trying to introduce you, knowing you're queer and so is this chick, wasn't she trying to make something happen??

    I would try to become friends with this girl, but not too aggressively. She can do some work if she's interested. Next time you all hang out, sit by her, do something to relax and just be yourself. Talk about some of the nerdy interests you both have. Joke around about that guy that's aggressively trying to get with her to her and gage her interest in him. Are you guys into The Tube that is You? Not sure I can say the actual platform here. Seems like EC doesn't always like that. Do you watch any of the gay tubers?? Like Hannah Hart, Sarah and Adrianna, Shannon and Cammie, Rose and Rosie? Pull out your phone and look at the channels when you're around her as if you're doing your own thing. Maybe she'll get interested and ask what you're watching. Just be like, oh, these lesbians I follow on blank blank. Also, ask your friend about her. If she is interested in you or the guys?? This is what your friend is for! She made herself the medium!

    I totally know what you're going through, and only wished I'd handled my feelings a little better since they were so intense. Like others have said. Don't be destroyed if nothing happens. I once read a quote that said when you meet your soulmate, you don't feel a racing heart or nervous. You feel peaceful. But who the hell knows. Keep us posted!! :slight_smile: we love these threads.
     
  7. TheStormInside

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    Really- Thanks! I am not sure if she specifically asked A if she wanted to meet me or if she just mentioned I'd be around. But, yes it did seem like some matchmaking was taking place. She was trying to talk around it a bit but that was definitely part of her plan.

    YeahpIdk- Thanks for the advice. All good suggestions. I did actually talk to my friend SC tonight, and unfortunately A does like JS :frowning2: . My friend SC even told A outright she thought she was making the wrong choice, but A is going to like who she likes. I'm feeling pretty bummed, though it's still sinking in. They haven't hooked up yet, but it does look like it's headed in that direction.

    I'm trying to tell myself in some ways this will be better, if we can at least be friends, as I have no queer friends and could really use one. It may take some of the pressure off. I guess I'll just have to see how things play out, but at this point it seems unlikely I have a chance with her relationship-wise.
     
  8. YeahpIdk

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    :frowning2: I'm sorry, Storm. That really sucks. But whatever, then she's just not for you. If you make a friend out of her, make sure you don't get yourself in too deep. I'm not sure being friends with her is a good idea. But ya never know!
     
  9. Michael

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    Yes, that definitely is a real crush... I don't know if I should congratulate you or say 'I'm so sorry', still to be able to feel something is great.

    My 2 cents, if I may... Don't give up so quickly. You say she is 'out of my league', well, it could happen that after a while she finds out that the guy you mentioned is 'our of her league' but (surprise) you are not.

    You never know how those things can develop over time... And of course keep in mind all is fair in love and war.
    You've got nothing to lose : Go play...
     
    #9 Michael, Nov 19, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 19, 2015
  10. TheStormInside

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    YeahpiDK- Thanks. I'm feeling pretty down about it, but I'll be all right. Currently trying to parse out how to deal with situations where I will likely see A and JS together, flirting and such. I may need a little more time before I can handle that.

    Why don't you think I should be friends with her?

    Michael- Thanks. You're right, I'm glad these feelings are "awakening" in me. I think part of why it's difficulty to deal with is that it's all very new to me, it's quite overwhelming. Hopefully, when/if I have more crushes in the future I'll be more used to these types of emotions.

    I do still want to try to be friends with A. If things don't work out with her and JS, hopefully I'll still be around, and at that point I'll see what happens, or doesn't. For now I'm kind of trying to step back and absorb everything, though.


    In addition to all this, my therapist is suggesting I try to ask A if she has gay friends, or to help me get into the LGBT community (assuming she has ties to it, I'm not sure if she does). I'm really not sure how to approach the subject without being incredibly awkward, especially since I'm not sure A even knows I'm gay or not. Any advice, anyone?
     
  11. Really

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    Can you do lighthearted? If you're talking to A and she mentions JS, you could say something like, "Rats. I was going to see if you'd like to go out. Know any other nice girls?"
     
  12. YeahpIdk

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    lol, I'm not sure you should be friends with because of these sentiments. You never know, it could work out in the future, but becoming friends with her might only make you like her more, and then you'll feel like shit when she's flirting/doing stuff/talking about that guy. Buuut, life is weird, and maybe she's not really that into him. I'm just saying, don't get yourself hurt. It sucks to be the one holding on for dear life when the other person doesn't know you're into them... I like Really's suggestion. Let it be known that you're into girls and looking for others in that crowd. It might peak her interest, or at least let her know you're into the ladies and trying to get with one:thumbsup:



    Yeah, I like this. Ask your friend to ask A if you can text her and talk about some LGBTQ stuff. If she gives the go ahead, text her and tell her that you don't know many LGBTQ folks and would really like to get to know others, does she know anyone/belong to any groups/blah blah blah? Try it out.

    I'm not saying DON'T be friends with her. I'm just saying, it's really hard to be friends with someone you were so attracted to that you're bummed out she's into someone else, so don't get hurt -- but hey, life's short, so getting hurt a little is whatever. :icon_wink
     
    #12 YeahpIdk, Nov 22, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2015
  13. CapColors

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    Yes, that's a crush!!!

    What if she wants to date both of you?

    Just putting that out there.

    Yeah, I know not all bi people want to date two people at once, but let me tell you if I weren't married, I'd be looking for a couple for sure. I like the idea of having two people who also have each other very much.
     
    #13 CapColors, Nov 22, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2015