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Is this dysphoria or am I going crazy?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by chicodeoro, May 10, 2020.

  1. chicodeoro

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    I honestly feel as if I’m on the edge of insanity at the moment.

    I've been experiencing profound feelings of dysphoria over the last couple of days. Last night again I got very little sleep. Strange thoughts came into my head about wanting to cut off my genitals. If there is such thing as vagina envy I certainly have it at the moment! The feelings of discomfort in my own body were almost physical - I know now that all those things I’d read about body and mind not matching up in trans people are 100% true. In my head I know now that I'm a girl but I can’t stand being in my male body.

    Added to this is a general revulsion at masculinity. I can’t speak to hetero men at the moment - a friend of mine called three times yesterday but I couldn’t pick up the phone and talk to him like I would do regularly up until last week. I know this is entirely illogical and very unfair but that is where my mind is at the moment. I don’t want to be anywhere near straight men.

    Does this ring true with anybody? I feel like I’m going crazy. In the last week my life has been turned upside down and I’m not sure I can cope.

    (I've tried ringing a LGBT helpline this morning just to talk to someone but I couldn't get through. Obviously their call centres are being reduced due to Covid..)
     
  2. TheodoreAC

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    I've felt some similar things, but in the opposite way, I wanted to cut of my breasts I just felt so disgusted by them and what they represented. I've also in the past just felt like vomiting anytime I got my period or could smell it, I'm usually pretty good at ignoring my own body so smelling it is a wake up call. For me it's when other people call me a girl that really breaks me, even if they don't know that I'm a guy it still hurts, even if they don't know they are hurting me it still so painful.
    As for the hetero men thing, I don't really experience that specifically, but I can guess that some others probably feel that way too.
     
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  3. Phoenix92

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    I can attest to this. Some of the things you said do ring true in a sense for me.
    I'm glad that you've been able to come to accept this part about you. I know for me it took quite a lot of time, and maybe not sleepless nights but hazy nights(the month between my suicide attempt and my revelation is a bit of a blur, if not alcohol then other intoxicants).
    I do have this revulsion in regards to at least a part of my genitalia, but I've been on hormones long enough where I can easily tuck and give the illusion of nothing being there. Said tucking does help in the alleviating of that, at least in part. But I do sometimes wish I could wear certain clothes without risk of anything showing.
    The inability to talk to cis men is something I never went through. I can't imagine what that could have been like for you.

    I'm so proud of you for attempting to reaching out to a LGBT+ helpline, it's something I never did myself and I so wish I had.

    My Sister, Welcome. I welcome you with open arms, you and all your perfect imperfections
     
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  4. chicodeoro

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    Thank you Chesca, and Theodore. It's good to know other people have had those thoughts.

    Some developments: I called my doctor this morning and have managed to get some hold of some more powerful sleeping tablets. More importantly I said the words 'I'm pretty certain I'm transgender' to her. It's the first time I've said the words out loud to someone else. She's also sent some forms for referral to gender counselling. When I put the phone down I felt a huge flush of relief. It feels like I've taken the first steps along what is going to be a very long road.

    Then a few hours ago I finally got through to the LGTB helpline. I had a long chat with one of their volunteers, went through everything that has happened and everything that I have been feeling. There were tears but at the end of it I felt soooo much better. Not so out of control. And I have the beginnings of a strategy - I am going to wait a while, at least until after the end of lockdown, before I start coming out to friends (the last few days I've been constantly switching back between excitement and wanting to tell loads of people 'this is me! I'm a trans!' and just feeling utterly daunted by the whole process and wanting to climb back in my closet). Meanwhile I'm going to wait for the counselling to come through via referral and start thinking about the sort of woman I want to be. I've been thinking about names - I keep coming back to Beth. Had I been female at birth I would have probably been called Elizabeth so it's the one that feels like the best fit so far.

    I'm feeling more confident too that I'm not having some sort of breakdown but that this is the right path, my true path. And hopefully too I'll be able to get some sleep tonight and the dysphoria will abate a bit...
     
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  5. Phoenix92

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    Beth,
    It’s amazing to hear you’ve found your Name so soon! My own, Francesca, I was already using before my Transition. Before I began mine, I did drag, and I had two different personas. Frankie Winter was my first, and she was great, but sadly not meant to be. The persona after Frankie was Francesca de la Luna Invernales, yes a mouthful I know. But it had gotten to the point where I was being addressed at the bar I performed as “Francesca”, even before I had my epiphany. Not only that, but the first nickname I used “Frankie” was chosen because it was gender neutral, and it allowed me to change my name on FB without people who hadn’t been brought into the loop questioning. This was somewhat of a moot point as I then made a big coming out post a couple months later. I’d gone out of state for an event, and pictures showed the clear outline of a breast, so I decided “what the heck, why not just rip the bandaid. So I did, but I kept my grandparents from seeing it, as I wasn’t sure how they’d react(they were told a month after the coming out post. Maternal grandfather accepts me, paternal grandparents not so much)

    And that whole “I’m trans” mentality, even though I knew, I scheduled a meeting with work for the day after my epiphany. It was for nothing more than to make sure that yes, it was the case. My managers of course figured out what it was about before hand. “Take your time, this is a safe place.” they both told me at the start of it. My response was “I’m trans, and these are going to be the next steps I take”. They then gave me the day off, one because it was possibly going to be slow, and two because I had let them know I hadn’t slept well the night before..
     
  6. chicodeoro

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    Chesca - you are the first person to call me by that name. Thank you so much!

    My dysphoria gets weirder and odder. I get it worst late at night. I settle into bed, close my eyes and sometimes my hand will wander down between my legs and I swear my brain feels there is a vagina down there or that there should be. When it realises there’s isn't it just feels excruciating. The pain is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Not exactly physical pain, not wholly mental either but something located between the two. Eventually my sleeping pill kicks in and I can get some rest.

    Is this what happens though? Does it get easier to deal with? Do you get used to it? The idea of this being a part of my life for years until I can go onto hormones is awful..
     
  7. Phoenix92

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    At first I had revulsion about what’s down there. This revulsion of it not being what I was hoping it to be, especially when that part became erect. Painful erections. I learned to avoid those thing that could cause arousal.

    Yes, things do get easier. As I approach the days of seeking to change things down there, I’m becoming more comfortable with it. Sure, I don’t really want it, but when it comes time to say “goodbye” I know I will be able to without much fuss.

    But as for the making things appear more feminine, medical tape is one option, but the option I use when I need to tuck(rarely need to do it at this point) is I use two panties. A thong that’s just one size too small as the base, and a pair of my normal panties.
     
  8. chicodeoro

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    Thanks for the panties advice Chesca! Funnily enough I have some new underwear coming in the post in the next few days - just felt it was time I started buying my own clothes instead of relying on my dead partner's... I've also emailed a trans support group local to where I am.

    I feel less panicky than I did a few days ago and the dysphoria..well, as you say, hopefully it will get easier over time. For the moment it sounds like it's going to be something I have to get used to.
     
  9. Phoenix92

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    As with anytime there’s a loss, there’s a period of mourning and adjustment. In this case the loss is Him. And yes it will take time for others to adjust to you as who you are. But you’ve got this, you are a strong woman, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

    In my case though, He was ready to go. He had been ready, for a month. Those last few days, he acted like a copilot.