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Is there ever a good time to tell your opposite-sex partner?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, Oct 28, 2016.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    I've not told my opposite-sex partner anything yet, which is mostly because I've been financially dependent on him for a few years.

    That should be changing soon, but it still doesn't feel like there's ever going to be a good time to tell him.

    Our lives are so entwined that we'll probably need to live together for several months before we go our separate ways, and we're going to need to keep functioning together in that time for our daughters sake.

    I have visions of it being a horrible few months, and my partner making things really hard work. I might be doing him a real disservice in saying this, but I can't help but think of the worst case scenario.

    I think it might make those few months easier if I ended it due to our relationship issues, rather than my sexuality.

    What are other peoples experiences or opinions? Did you plan to have somewhere to go? Do I need to be prepared to move out quickly?
     
  2. Navia

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    Hey there!

    I haven't had any experience in this, I'm still with my long term partner and I haven't told him anything because I'm still trying to figure it out myself. I have thought about telling him a lot but we have been together so long and our lives are so entwined I have no idea how he would cope.

    Like you said, there is no good time to tell him so I have decided I won't until the time is right for me. Till I'm ready to accept the end of the relationship, the end of life as I know it and when I'm stable enough to go my own way. If you are still dependent on your husband and he reacts badly then you will be stuck. I'd say don't tell him until you are ready and 100% sure in your heart that the time is right (for you, not him).

    You know your husband better than anyone here so, is he generally an understanding and tolerant man or controlling or what? How do you think he would react?
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi Navia,

    Thanks for your reply. I can relate to a lot of what you've put in your post, such as needing to be ready to adjust to a new life. It's a lot to contemplate.

    I'm career training at the moment, and just (stupidly) thought a clean break would be possible when I come to the point of applying for jobs, but as that time gets closer, I can see it's going to be messy whenever I do it.

    I worry about the reactions of my family and other people too, but I probably shouldn't.

    I'm really not sure how he's going to react. We had issues early in our relationship because he always felt that I wasn't as into him, as was into me, and I think it's all going to blow up, and I'm going to end being the villain of the story.

    I really don't know. At the moment I leaning towards focusing on our relationship, and then if we go our separate ways, look into the sexuality stuff then.

    Also, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going with our relationship. It's mostly fine, but the physical side is really difficult.
     
  4. Navia

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    Yeah, I get what your saying about the physical side. I don't want to sleep with my partner anymore, when ever we do it just so unfulfilling. I feel bad because I have more or less given up pretending I enjoy it which makes him feel bad about himself. I don't want to hurt him but I'm just tiered of faking it.

    I suppose you don't have to come out to your family strait away. It could be better to be a bit ambiguous and say things just weren't working out. Then when you have found your feet and are more confident you can tell them.

    I'm curious to know, when and how did it hit you that you weren't straight?
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Same here.

    I'll try to keep it short! :slight_smile: My partner and I went through a rough patch, and we started drifting away from each other. He focused on his work, and I focused on our very young daughter. For some reason, and I don't really know why, I stated imagining myself in a relationship with a woman, as a form of escape, I think. After several months, this prompted me start questioning, and around that time I ran into a former colleague, who I probably had a crush on, but when we worked together, I just thought I wanted to be her best friend. :lol: So, she smiled at me, and I thought she had an amazing smile, which pushed me further into questioning, and a few months after that I joined EC.

    How about you?
     
    #5 LostInDaydreams, Oct 28, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2016
  6. Confused54

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    I don't think there's a "perfect time" to tell your partner. There certainly wasn't for me, especially after nearly 35 years of marriage. I just blurted it out one night when I was feeling really down.

    But I'd been burying my gay side for a very long time. I started opening up to myself more a couple of years ago, when I turned 60. Sort of a "what the fuck, do it!" attitude. Took a while to fully come out, but the moment definitely wasn't planned.

    We're actually talking more, and closer together, than we had been for quite a while. We're going to divorce, but stay friends and business partners, and continue to share the house and property we purchased about 3 years ago and both love. Not sure just how that's going to work out if/when either of us connect with another romantic partner but we're committed to working it out. I feel very fortunate that my wife has been so supportive through this huge transition on my part. But I think she's feeling a little lost, too. I have something to look forward to, but she doesn't. At least not so much.

    Good luck!
     
  7. DAFriend

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    Never a good time but, it has to be done. All you can do is hope for the best, prepare for the worst and, take what comes. Odds are that's going to be somewhere in the middle.
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    Thanks for your replies. :slight_smile:

    I'd sort of had January in my head as the time to do it, which is starting to feel fairly near.
     
  9. hexamum

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    I told my husband in a crying, blubbering moment of crisis. He blanked what I had said for about a fortnight, then we e-mail a bit about it, and now it's being denied again.
    My take on it, is that if you try and split because of relationship issues, it almost keeps them wishing it all better. They try and talk about things to do to make it 'better' and 'fixed'.
    However, saying they are the wrong gender, kind of stops it all right there. No false hope. No wishful thinking.
    Of course, we all must do the best we can in the situation, so my views are just mine. X
    Good luck sweetie x
     
  10. Navia

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    60?! Oh bless you, I can't imagine how hard it would have been to keep yourself repressed for that long. I'm glad things have worked out well for you in the end, you defiantly deserve it.

    ---------- Post added 29th Oct 2016 at 03:35 PM ----------

    Thanks for sharing that with me =) I guess it just hit me. My best friend is gay and we were sat watching underworld with my partner. She mentioned how hot Kate Bekinsale was and I just said "oh my god she is so hot, did you ever see her in Van Hellsing? I was in love with her in that film." My friend agreed and my parter gave me a weird look and I had to cover it up with "I always wanted to look like her." But I started to think about all the other girls I "wanted to look like" and one night I just realised, no. I do not want to look like them, It something else. After this revelation I denied it and buried my feelings for a few months, but I had started to analyse my past and I'm realising that I have always felt this way towards women, even as far back as dancing with Jessica Baily at my 9th birthday party.
     
  11. Stewie

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    If your dependent on him rate now And you think he may react badly, then I would say the same thing I always say to younger people living at home dependent on there parents. WAIT!!! Until you can support yourself, or at least until you have a plan in place in case *insert worst case scenario here*

    You honestly never know how people(lovers/spouses/family)will react rate until you actually tell them. Hope all goes well. (&&&)
     
    #11 Stewie, Oct 29, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2016
  12. looking for me

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    when you're ready.....

    when it's safe to do so.....

    sorry that's all i got....(*hug*)
     
  13. mactreebeard

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    I can relate to this in different but similar ways. I didn't really figure it out completely until we were already 3 years into my marriage. There is never a good time, you just have to take a deep breath and a calming exercise and find a day to say, "I'm going to bring this to my partner's attention."

    We all wish you luck!