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Is there any point in coming out if I'm single?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by RainydayTofu, Jun 24, 2017.

  1. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Umm... title speaks for itself really. I'm sure this question has been used before, so sorry if it's repetitive.

    I am not going to come out to my parents yet (for a while probably) but is there any point if I'm single? Will they believe me? I tried to comw out to my mom a few years ago but she didn't believe me (or want to believe). Not even sure my friends believe me.

    Also, assuming one day I do eventually have the courage to tell my parents, what precautions should I take beforehand?

    Should I try to move out first? What other 'safety nets' should I put in place? I don't think I could stay with family and I wouldn't want to put myself on friends.

    This is probably a few years away... But I want to plan what I measures I should have in place in case they react badly.
     
  2. Creativemind

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    In some cases, I think coming out while single is actually the better choice. I'll explain why:

    If you are single, your parents might not believe you, they might invalidate you, and think they need proof. But on the other hand, they also go through the five stages of "losing a heterosexual kid" grief earlier, and can easily accept their kid with the same sex after the acceptance part kicks in. When you come out while dating, your parents can still easily go in the denial phase, but there's also the risk that they might try to hurt your partner, go crazy, force a break-up, etc. Because they haven't had time to react to the homosexuality, It's a lot at once. But they also may accept it easier with proof too.

    Of course not all people react the same, sometimes waiting until dating works better, sometimes it doesn't. There are pros and cons with both.

    If you want to wait though, you can. If you fear being disowned, It's better to wait until you can support yourself.
     
  3. Angus44

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    I think there definitely is a purpose in coming out before you are in a relationship. For one it's definitely nice to be able to be open about this part of your self and to have people in real life to talk to. The precautions you should take depends on how accepting your patients are. If you think that there's a real possibility they might kick you out then it might be a good idea to at least have a plan for example. Everyone's situation is different so it's important to think about the possible reactions you might get. However, if you're content not being out it's really up to you. Good luck with what ever you choose to do!
    -Gus
     
  4. Luka99

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    I suppose when you still live at home the most important part is being sure they won't kick you out or make your life at home miserable.
    Other then that I guess, how much does it hurt to stay closeted? If it makes you depressed or something I guess it's a good choice to come out.
     
  5. Barbatus

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    As the others have said, coming out can be a beneficial experience. It can be liberating and make you feel better about yourself and feel more confident in meeting other gay people, dating etc.

    Would you be happy to go into more detail about your family? How likely is it they would kick you out? Would they get abusive? If it is a concern then (given that you are thinking in year long terms) you can either tell friends of yours and see whether they could put you up or make sure you've moved out, like renting and have a job. That's just generally tips but if you have anything more specific then just post.
     
  6. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Hi,

    Yes, recently I have been feeling "I must tell someone, ANYONE!" about my sexuality. I don't know why that is!

    I would say that they perhaps wouldn't throw me out, but that they would be very ashamed about it, and avoid the topic if other family asked if I had a girlfriend. Extended family would blame my parents for bringing me up wrong. I'm worried that it would affect my dad a lot too- he's just a very traditional guy and I have heard that having a son (moreso than a daughter) come out as gay can make a lot of fathers feel sort of 'demasculinised' for lack of a better word.

    I wouldn't want my dad to get depressed about it as he does tend to get kind of depressed and won't talk to anyone about it (he has cancer and is almost an alcoholic= recipe for disaster). I tried to come out to my mom a few years ago but her and dad still make it clear they don't like gay men. It might just be effeminate gay men they don't like (I am still working on feeling comfortable around them too!) that they don't like, but I'm not sure...

    I have a job with a decent wage but in my country it is REALLY hard to get on the property ladder unless you have a partner to share the rent/mortgage with. (I do pay my parents a fair rent BTW!).

    Hope that helps explain things a bit. Just ask if you have any more questions :slight_smile:
     
  7. Barbatus

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    @RainydayTofu I'm UK based as well so know what you mean about the property ladder. However, is renting an option? If you are paying your parents rent, it might be better to use that to rent somewhere else?

    Hmm, sounds like there would be a lot of tension if you told them and that it wouldn't be addressed. Sorry to hear your dad is dealing with cancer - that must be hard. However, that doesn't excuse him being homophobic or not accepting as that is an attitude issue.

    So one option is to move out? What about telling friends that you are gay? I know it's not the same as telling your parents but it might help you feel better and be more open? Would that be an alternative?
     
  8. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Thanks, yes I suppose I ought to start looking for somewhere really- I'm easily pleased so I'm not looking for a palace or anything :slight_smile:

    All my friends know, and seem to be fine with it. I think the next target would be people at work. A few know and I seriously doubt anyone there are homophobic. It's just finding a way to shoehorn it into the conversation lol

    Maybe next time my dad says something maybe I will gently question it. He is very vocally anti-racism so it always surprised me that he isn't keen on gay people. Racist and homophobic often go hand-in-hand for some reason. I guess my parents have never been exposed to any gay people before.

    Thanks again or your help, talking helps at least :slight_smile:
     
  9. Barbatus

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    @RainydayTofu Ok, so that's great that your friends know and it makes sense why your parents are you main focus now.

    That's a good idea, if he is anti-racism then you could point out that being gay is as unchangeable as ethnic origin. Is there a particular reason they are anti-gay, they're not religious or anything? So just maybe a bit ignorant?

    Moving out seems like a good move for you, especially if there are friends you could rent with. Glad you are feeling better, it's good to talk about it and EC is really good for giving advice and helping you realise that you don't have to go through this on your own. :slight_smile:
     
  10. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Mm

    Mmm I think maybe just ignorant/unexposed (they literally know zero gay, bi, transgender people). They're not religious at all, so I guess I don't have blind faith to have to fight against! I think it also doesn't help that gay men on TV are so often represented by 'The Steroptype' which maybe my dad dislikes as a personality type, not their associated sexuality. Anyway, I will see :slight_smile:
     
  11. Barbatus

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    Yeah, well hopefully they will be more open to changing their mind. Your idea of mentioning it in the context of racism is a good one and you can mention it when it comes up in other contexts. You just subtle things when you can to gauge their reaction and what the issues might be. For example, if you dad is like 'gay people are effeminate' or 'gay people are so camp' you can say 'yeah some people are and some people aren't its what they feel comfortable with' or you can't generalise a group just as you can't generalise a racial group.

    Let us know how it goes and best of luck telling them (when you feel ready and the time seems right). :slight_smile: