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is there a way to judge if you are the the safe environment for coming out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by scaredycat88, Nov 25, 2021.

  1. scaredycat88

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    i'm a lesbian. i knew since i was 13, but my parents rejected it and told me it was just a phase, and i was in the confusing state even since. dating guys...never works, no matter how much i tried to like them, or tried to settle. the only serious relationship i had was with a girl, when i was living outside my country, which unfortunately ended when i returned home.

    my close friends are all straight, and they always seem to make comments about why i was too picky to settle with a guy. one even asked if the reason is because i was gay, which i freaked out and totally denied that (and i felt bad about it, such a lost opportunity). my best friend used to make comment that she never get how can two women being attracted to each other.

    besides thier homophobic attitude, my family and friends are good people that i can rely on and confide in any aspects.

    i've made peace with my sexuality a couple of years ago and i know that i like women, not men. i can handle the life in the closet; i'm an introvert so i don't need much social interaction, working, reading, or hanging out with friends are more than enough to make me content.

    what scares me most is the idea of coming out. my life now is already good, under control, predictable. but should i keep my sexuality to myself? does it make me lying by omission? should i just come out? but if i were to come out, how would i know that people around me will be supportive? would things change? would my friends be afraid to hang out with me?

    how could ones tell they are in the safe enough environment for coming out?
     
  2. Warrior999

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    Only you can judge whether it is safe for coming out. I will advise you against coming out unless you are in a safe place (physically and emotionally) and can deal with the repercussions. I know it's hard living inside the closet, but trust me, the alternative can be deadly too if you are in the wrong place. Suppose someone lives in Saudi Arab and comes out, what will happen then? He will be stoned to death. Don't come out unless you can face it. Go to a safe place, make sure you are financially independent and everything, then come out.
     
  3. scaredycat88

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    thanks for the advice!
     
  4. BiGemini87

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    @scaredycat88 Like @Warrior999 said, you are under no obligation to come out unless you are in the right frame of mind/it is safe to do so. It's not lying by omission, because this particular truth is your business and no one else's. People are allowed to have secrets, to keep certain things to themselves. No one is capable of being 100% open with anyone, though we often try to be with those we care for most.

    If the time ever comes when you feel you want to come out, I think it will involve a lot of subtle testing of the people you're considering telling. When it comes to coming out, you want to be sure you're safe; so even if one person proves to be supportive, you need to set boundaries with them so that they won't leak the information to anyone else before you're ready (or at all; no one should be outing you unless you expressly give them the go-ahead).

    I think what you can try to do is gauge how uncomfortable they are with the topic of homosexuality. Is it just a matter of misunderstanding, like your friend who can't imagine two women loving each other the way a man and a woman can? Is it disgust she's exhibiting when she says things like that, or simple lack of understanding? Have any of them been hostile towards other LGBT people that you know of?

    These are questions you can ask yourself if the time comes. But in the meantime, if you are content with your life such as it is, that's okay. :slight_smile:
     
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  5. scaredycat88

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    thank you very much for the support. i think i was just afraid that things will change or they will treat me differently if i come out. but people's comments about me being not married to a guy sometimes bothered me, like i wanted to them them the reason is because i'm not interested. and from time to time, i just want to have someone to discuss with about the good lesbian books or the media contents i came across...stuff like that. besides those nags, i'm living in an asian country that being gay is although not cherished, but not a crime, and i'm safe physically.

    perhaps i will have to find the courage to test some water with my friends and find the person i could confide in though. i will probably use the people and contents in this forum to build up my courage then
     
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  6. Obliteratrix47

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    I agree with what @BiGemini87 and @Warrior999 said. You don't have to come out if you don't want to. I live in a homophobic country, I have a sibling who's bisexual. She came out to me a year ago, I think. It takes guts to open up your sexual orientation. Make sure you have enough money to rent a house and then you can come out. The decision is yours. Good luck.
     
    #6 Obliteratrix47, Nov 29, 2021
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  7. CatSpinner

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    There used to be a very old video on Youtube about coming out advice.

    I don't remember all that it said, but I remember the person advising not to come out during certain times. For example, don't come out during the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas, which can be a stressful time for a lot of people. They also advised not to come out to someone during an argument, because it could make things worse and very awkward. I don't remember everything in the video, but it's no longer up on YouTube anymore.

    If you're worried about getting bullied, I strongly recommend not to come out until you're at least living on your own. If you'd be at risk of any sort of danger, I say don't come out to those people at all. I learned from my own personal experience that you can't come out to everyone, but that's just how it is, sadly.

    Also, if you do end up coming out to anyone, make sure it's to someone who won't "out you" to your homophobic friends and family. Those things do happen and it's a good thing to keep in mind. You may have to explain your situation to them. If they're your true friend(s), they'd understand and keep it confidential. Hopefully this helps.
     
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  8. quebec

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    scaredycat88.....Coming out is completely up to you. Who, when and where. You get to choose them all. If you feel it's not safe, or it's not the right time, or it's not the right people...then you don't have to say anything. Especially if you don't feel that it's safe to come out...then don't. When you do decide to come out...again - it's your choice. If someone doesn't like it, it's their problem, not yours. They don't ask us for our permission on how they live their lives! Why would they think that we would give them permission to have a say in our lives? It's your life to live as you see fit and if it turns out that you're gay, it has nothing at all to do with anybody else. We get to live as we choose! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  9. quebec

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    scaredycat88.....There is another thought that I should have included in the post above. There are people who feel that they want to, and can be out to everyone and they don't care if someone has a negative reaction. I am absolutely happy for them and hope it works out well. However, truthfully everyone does not need to know your sexuality. Because of my situation, I am not out to everyone that I know...nor will I ever be. It's not because I'm afraid of their reaction, etc. it's because I have realized that there is really no reason that everyone needs to know what my sexuality is...that I'm gay. So for me...and this is my way of deciding who to tell, I ask myself; "Do they need to know for some reason" or "Is this a person that I am close enough to that I would like them to know." As I said in the post above, the choice of who to tell is entirely up to you. I think sometimes it should be looked at in a different way: The choice of who not to tell is also up to you.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag: