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Is there a point to coming out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LMoore, Nov 4, 2020.

  1. LMoore

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    Not sure where to start with this one....
    I have been married to my wife for 15 years, together for 20 and came out to her as bisexual 4 years ago. She has been super-supportive throughout and with ongoing discussion, questions and self reflection, I revised my status as “gay” a couple of years back as I felt it fit me better even though bisexual is a better technical fit (think 5.95 on the Kinsey Scale). I love my wife, we have a good life and sex life, the thought of me being with a man turns her on and I have no intention of leaving her.
    The question is, do I need to come out to friends and family? I sometimes feel an overwhelming desire to be open about my sexuality with more than just the one person but fearful of ruining the life we have built together...
     
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  2. SeattlebiM

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    I'm curious because I'm very closeted bi, you came out to your wife, why do you need to come out to your family and friends? Wish I could have come out to my (ex)wife, but she would not have taken it well even though I never planned on cheating on her.
     
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  3. jessie19

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    If you are happy with just your wife knowing, then why should you come out to everyone.

    on a side note, just know if you do come out, people dont always respond the way your wife did. i know my ex and i broke up because i am lesbian and she wanted to sleep with a guy
     
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  4. BiGemini87

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    @LMoore This reflects so much about how I felt when I came out. I came out to my husband first, then a small social media community (I have next to no followers there, so it didn't feel like a big deal) and then a year later, more publicly (over a more prominent social media site).

    Like you, I wondered if there was any point because I'd been with my husband for nearly 15 years at that time (nearly 16 now, 8 married). It just didn't seem important, considering I was in a "straight-passing" relationship. In the end though, I didn't like keeping it bottled up. I wanted to get it out there, because I was tired of feeling incomplete, of caring what other people thought.

    It's up to you to decide, though. Do you actually want to tell others, or do you feel that you have to? If it's the latter, you don't have to do anything you don't feel 100% comfortable doing. If it's the former though...perhaps give it some thought, talk it over with your wife and see what she thinks.
     
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  5. quebec

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    LMoore.....Hello and a great big welcome to Empty Closets! I'm so glad that you have such a supportive wife...that doesn't happen very often. As far as coming out to others goes, you need to sit down and really think through that whole idea. Make a list of the pros of coming out to others and a list of the cons. Also, take some time to think through why you want to come out to other friends and family members. Since you are out to your wife, consider involving her in this process. Many of us in the LGBTQ+ Family experience a desire to tell everybody after we have finally come out for the first time and had a positive experience. It's such a relief to no longer be keeping that secret from everyone that we can get overzealous. You need to consider that not everybody may accept you...you may very well face some "push back" that could be quite unpleasant. Some folks don't care if others don't accept the revelation of being LGBTQ+, others can find that a negative reaction can be seriously crushing. So give it some thought. You have plenty of time to think through how it will affect you if reactions aren't good. For me, I felt that not everybody I considered good friends really had a need to know that I am gay. I came to the same conclusion with my family...I have come out to some of them, but not all. I needed to prepare my oldest son to take care of his mother as I was facing a health crisis/surgery that had a significant possibility of a negative result. In that situation, I felt that I needed to come out to him. I wanted him to hear it from me, not from his mother if I didn't pull through. At that time I didn't tell my other two sons. Then at the end of September my middle son and his family were visiting for my birthday and he took me off to the side and very nervously came out to me as pansexual! It was quite a surprise, to say the least. While he was talking I was considering if this was the time to come out to him. I decided that it was, so now my two oldest sons know I'm gay. My youngest son and his wife don't know and right now I don't see a need to tell them...perhaps in the future. My point here is that each person and their relationship with me has determined whether I have come out to them or not. Besides my wife and two sons, I have come out to a few very close friends who I felt would accept me and would be part of a support group for tough times. I hope some of this will help and please remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how this all works out...we're glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  6. Vesta

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    I think only you can really determine whether or not you should come out to your friends and family. Personally, I think there has to be some form of goal, or desire for a person to want to come out, rather than just tell people for the sake of telling them. You said you have an overwhelming desire to be open about your sexuality sometimes. Perhaps this is something you could consider your goal? What makes you feel you want to be open about it? The freedom? The weight lifted from your shoulder? Whatever the reason, only you can really determine if and/or when you should come out.

    Another thing to consider is, have you discussed this with your wife? She may be able to present an angle to you that we here can't provide.
     
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  7. LetsGoNow

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    Well consider asking why you want other people to know? Do you want to know whether they will accept you or not when you express your authentic self?
     
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  8. LMoore

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    It is a good question and one I am wrestling with. I think maybe I feel like my relationships aren’t authentic, if that make sense?
     
  9. LMoore

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    Thanks for your message! It seems we are very similar of mindset. I feel sick of hiding who I am to my family and friends. Last year I wore a pride swimsuit to the pool on “coming out day” and I felt liberated by the experience. Since then it has been back to the closet though and it does get me down. That being said I don’t want to be selfish, it would be like my wife is coming out with me!
     
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  10. LMoore

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    Thanks for sharing David! I have a lot to think about! Scary stuff!
     
  11. Tartanskrt

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    I guess it depends what you want to achieve. If definitely take to your wife to see how she feels about it. For me I came out to the one person I did because I didn't feel comfortable pretending I liked men anymore. I don't feel like everyone needs to know unless I'm actually in a relationship.
     
  12. SGee

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    I really question the value of coming out other than to people you are very close to who may be affected by your relationships. The vast majority of people in your life have no need to- and honestly other than something to gossip about probably don't really care. When I was strictly straight I never revealed anything about my relationships in general- it's no one's business but mine and my partners.
     
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  13. dirtyshirt84

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    I’m in a similar kind of situation, I’m Bi and have been with my partner 12 years. He has always known and I had a relationship with a woman when I was younger.

    I feel like it’s part of my identity which gets erased on a daily basis, so for me that was a big part of the reason I came out to some people. Perhaps you feel the same? There are friends I haven’t told and I’m not sure how they would react and if I need to tell them. I do think sometimes that I’m
    not being 100% myself with people who don’t know. While I don’t want to tell everyone I also don’t particularly want to hide it as I feel like I did that for many years and it had a negative effect on me.
     
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  14. jessie19

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    coming out is a personal thing, i know with me, keeping it in and not telling anyone, is like killing a part of myself every day, and i dont know how much is left before i have none of who i am left, and all i get to be is a shadow of who i once was
     
  15. Drent

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    My wife knows about me and that's liberating enough.
    Maybe in future if it is necessary I will tell people that needs to be told.