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Is my family using me for my money? what do i do?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by x Wallflower x, Mar 2, 2013.

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  1. x Wallflower x

    x Wallflower x
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    When i turned 21 i came into an inheritance from my late grandmother and since then i sometimes feel like my family see me as just a bank accoun.t I've let my mum borrow nearly £1000 fromme to pay her fines and so she could buy christmas presants plus my i let my auntie and sister borrow £200 each when they were going through financial difficulty and have yet to be repayed even though a considerable amount of time has passedand whenever i mention it they make excuses or make empty promises to start paying it back.

    I work the most hours and make the most money and have no problem contributing to the house (food ect) whenever i get payed but my sister doesn't pay anything and it seems unfair. I recently put in a housing application and asked my mother to hand my ID in to them so i can get onto the listing but shes dragging her feet although she works nearby so i'm not inconveniencing her too much whereas i don't have the time to do it myself.
    is it because she realises that once i've gone so will my money?
    Am i being too harsh?
    How do i bring up my issues with them?

    (sorry for the rant)
     
    #1 x Wallflower x, Mar 2, 2013
  2. Dublin Boy

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    I would take part of the day off work & take the ID myself, if you let people take advantage they will, it's Ok to help family out but only if they don't take the Piss & by your sister not contributing you are indirectly supporting her as well, there is nothing like your own place & independence :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Dublin Boy, Mar 2, 2013
  3. Lexington

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    It sounds like they're taking advantage. Get the ID, mentally write off the loans, and get yourself out of that household. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #3 Lexington, Mar 2, 2013
  4. Akatosh

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    Yeah, get out of there! Is there a reason your grandmother left you with an inheritance and not your family? (i.e. your grandma has noticed how they handle their money?) Since they don't seem to take your seriously, I think you should pay them the same respect. I'm fortunate to not have run into a situation like this, but I think you need to take care of yourself first.
     
    #4 Akatosh, Mar 2, 2013
  5. x Wallflower x

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    It was my grandma from my fathers side and she left me most of it because he is very well off and he has had nothing to do with me for a long while.
     
    #5 x Wallflower x, Mar 2, 2013
  6. Last Gentleman

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    It does sound like they are using you a bit,

    Agreed that you should take half a day off work and take the ID in yourself.

    I'd also tally up the money each of them owes you and hand them a simple letter that tells them how much and you'd like to be repaid with X time (make it a reasonable time frame based on the amount owed).

    I wouldn't expect any money back from them, but I'd suggest that you cease to assist them financially until they prove they are trying to pay back the money.
     
    #6 Last Gentleman, Mar 2, 2013
  7. pinklov3ly

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    The easiest way to turn a family member or a friend into an enemy is to give them credit. And given the situation, it's very hard maintaining a relationship with someone who refuses to pay you back. This is why I have a limit when I loan people money & I give them two weeks to pay me back. If they do not then I'll never loan them money again. It shouldn't necessarily hurt the relationship, but they promised to repay you. And I agree with everyone else, you need your own place because they are taking advantage of you & the situation. It's okay to help family and or friends, but why ruin a relationship when it can be avoided.
     
    #7 pinklov3ly, Mar 2, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2013
  8. Van

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    If you can afford living on your own just move out. :slight_smile: That's what I'd do.

    (*hug*)
     
    #8 Van, Mar 2, 2013
  9. Crystine

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    all the other posters have given you great advice so there's not much left to say... good luck :slight_smile:
     
    #9 Crystine, Mar 2, 2013
  10. x Wallflower x

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    Since i posted last things haven't improved much i had to lend my mother £90 for rent and now she wants us to move but she want me to pay nearly £1200 for a bond and rent in advance.

    She said i should get £600 back from the council (she's on benifits) and i would've flat out said no but the house we live in now has mould on the bedroom ceilings and a hole in our garage roof that has been there since we moved in and when we tell the landlady she says the people she sends out to estimate a price to fix it is too expensive.

    I've explained to my mum that i dont want to lose a chunk of my inheritance because that money is one of the last things i have that is connected to my grandma but she keeps pushing the idea. I want to move out on my own but i fear i'd end up broke and that my depression would come back if i were on my own all the time and i have noone who i could share with. I'm on a housing list but because i'm not a priority it could be years before i get one.

    What do you think? should i refuse and stay in the house i'm in and how do i talk to her about it
     
    #10 x Wallflower x, Mar 31, 2013
  11. Dublin Boy

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    What about a shared house, you know like students, who need a extra person to share with them, sometimes in your local newspapers, you will see adverts like, women needed to share 3 bedroomed house with 2 other women etc
     
    #11 Dublin Boy, Mar 31, 2013
  12. x Wallflower x

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    I thought about that but what if i get stuck with people that i don't end up liking and i'd feel self concious walking around a house full of people i don't know.
     
    #12 x Wallflower x, Mar 31, 2013
  13. Zannan

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    You could ask one of your friends to move in with them. I'd offer to pay rent though, because there are bills to pay.
     
    #13 Zannan, Mar 31, 2013
  14. x Wallflower x

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    Thats another problem i have no friends here except one who has a kid and lives with her parents all my friends are from where i used to live which is hours away.
     
    #14 x Wallflower x, Mar 31, 2013
  15. FeministFemme97

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    Completely agree, get out ASAP
     
    #15 FeministFemme97, Mar 31, 2013
  16. Parsley

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    You get used to living with people you don't know because after awhile you do know them. :slight_smile: My roommates are some of my best friends and I didn't know them when I moved in. Now I can't imagine living with anyone else! They're actually the only people I'm out to.

    From what you describe it does sound like it would be best to move out of your family's home. I know you said you feared you'd be broke too fast if you moved out, but honestly it sounds like you'll go broke faster living there.

    If you move in with people you don't like, then move out. You can totally do that. You're not stuck with them.
     
    #16 Parsley, Mar 31, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2013
  17. Chip

    Chip
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    Don't give another dime to your mother or any other relatives. That money is yours and was given to you by your grandmother for your use, not to be suckered away from you by your relatives.

    One of the hardest things to understand about codependence is... people will take and take and take and take until there's no more to take. Your mom won't stop taking from you until she's blown all of your inheritance (or all of it you're willing to "loan" her, never to see again.) Your mother is an adult and needs to take responsibliity for her own actions. If she can't pay rent because of her own poor financial decisions, that's on her, not on you.

    You need to get out of there as soon as possibie. It sounds like you have a good idea of how to manage your money... so I'm sure that if you look around, you can find either subsidized housing if you don't have adequate finances, or find a place with a roommate for minimal rent.

    Your mother will likely pull out every stop to keep you from moving out... she'll play the guilt card, the "I can't take care of myself" card, the "You're a terrible child" card. Just don't get suckered into any of it.

    And... I would mentally write off the money you've loaned, but don't let them know that. Set up a payment plan, even if it's $10 or $25 a month, and be aggressive on collecting it.
     
    #17 Chip, Mar 31, 2013
  18. x Wallflower x

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    I know that alot of the time i'm in denial about how much my family use me for my money and can be quite manipulative and i think i'm so scared of them disowning me that i'll do anything to make them happy.

    I'm fairly good at saving as i save atleast £100 out of my wages per week when i can and i know i could make it on my own but i hesitate on taking the next step.

    How do i yell my mum i'm not going to pay it i know she'll try and guilt me into it because of the condition of the house we're in now.
     
    #18 x Wallflower x, Mar 31, 2013
  19. x Wallflower x

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    I officially have no back bone i agreed to pay for us to move and agreed with my mum to set up a payment plan but to make things worse my sister might be moving out which mean the rent which is £140 per month between me and my sister will all be put onto me.

    I'm so upset at myself i actually feel like crying.why couldn't i just say no although it is a great house i don't want to put alot of my money into a house that isn't solely mine and my parents aren't gonna even and try to raise money to put towards it.
     
    #19 x Wallflower x, Apr 1, 2013
  20. Aeriestars

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    There's not really anything else for anyone here to help you with. You know what you need to do, the rest of it is just up to you.
     
    #20 Aeriestars, Apr 1, 2013
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