Hi all, Long time poster/lurker here. I’ve posted on here before regarding my anxiety regarding sexuality, as well as the potential obsessive tendencies/thoughts I have surrounding the matter. For some background, here’s my previous post where I go into detail of how I felt a few months ago. https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/self-discovery-journey.486522/#post-6723823 What I’m questioning is is whether this anxiety is due to OCD, or whether it’s actually some deep rooted shame I have in same sex attraction which is stopping me, even subconsciously, from accepting it in myself. I have done a lot of testing, particularly through masturbation. Sexually, I don’t think I feel particularly aroused by guys. I have masturbated my entire life to girls, and although not being particularly sexually active most my life, I do feel that “I wanna rip your clothes off and bang you” with girls. However, I notice that there are times when the moment presents itself that I freeze up, or lose interest/attraction. Potentially the same when I know a girl is interested in me. With guys, it’s different. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sexually attracted to a guy where I really enjoy the thoughts. I haven’t gotten hard to guys, whereas with a girl they can say/do something provocative and I will get turned on. However, it does almost feel like I can be “close” with a guy, and feel good. But then as soon as I recognise this feeling, I get anxiety about what it means. And I’m not sure if that anxiety is from OCD, or from the shame. Like, I think I would enjoy kissing a guy, or cuddling, or being close with them. But when my mind goes here, it’s like there’s some anxiety kicking in which I feel is a deep rooted shame or defence mechanism against accepting it. Now, while masturbating,I have tried quite often to fantasise about guys, or watch gay porn. But emphasis on try. It’s like I’m forcing myself to do it as a tes, rather than the actual natural fantasy my mind will go towards like a girl. But the one thing I notice is that as I climax, my mind will switch to a guy if I let it, and flash thoughts, mixed between guys and girls. It’s done this since I was a teenager. But then it would feel more like, an unwanted thought, and one which I would be anxious would come up, rather than one I enjoyed. And ofc the more I got worried about it,the more it happened. I would think “oh I hope it doesn’t happen” and it would. I almost feel like if I would admit it to others (I haven’t talked about this with anyone really) then the anxiety might dip out. And there are a lot of different views on OCD regarding sexuality. One of which is whether it would exist if being non straight would be any different than wearing a blue or red shirt.