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Is it too much to ask?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by AvatarRoku, Sep 7, 2021.

  1. AvatarRoku

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    I came out to my parent a few weeks ago and all I got at the time was oh ok it doesn’t matter then turned it into a joke. I was like ok shes shocked and processing but now weeks later all I ever get is looks of disgust and rude a derogatory jokes made about the subject.

    I find it especially hard as I have spent my whole adult life doing everything possible to help and support her through a messy divorce even acting in a way I’m ashamed off to help her out. I have always been there for her and the second time in my life I could actually do with some support it’s like she’s pretending it doesn’t exist or ever happened.

    I know that she has not reacted nearly as bad as she could have and other will I have no doubt had much more challenging times coming out than me. But at the same time is it too much to ask for a little back after the decade long support.

    what I think really got to me was a couple of days ago we got close to the subject again and she stared me directly in the eye and said I have accepted your opinion on the issue. Opinion like I was choosing my favourite drink. Like it was a life choice like going to uni. It’s not my opinion its who I am.

    I suppose it’s just disappointing that she feels that way probably due to lack of understanding but it’s still no easier to accept.

    sorry rant over!
     
  2. Rayland

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    In my opinion it’s not too much to ask at all for support and understanding. Hang in there. I hope it gets better for you.
     
  3. AvatarRoku

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    Thanks dude. Much appreciated

    just think I needed a good rant. If you ever need one I’m all ears ☺️
     
  4. caden0803

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    Sometimes we all need to rant about our frustrations to the people who will listen in order to heal. Hope things get better for you.
     
    #4 caden0803, Sep 7, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2021
  5. AvatarRoku

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    Definitely needed to get it of my chest and your right I do feel better for it. Thanks for the support.
     
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  6. Rayland

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    Thanks and right back at you, if you ever need to rant more, then I’m all ears too.
     
  7. AvatarRoku

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    brave offer I like a good rant. But much much appreciated!
     
  8. CharlieLuca

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    Hi. I am sorry about how your parent took it, especially as coming out takes bravery. I wish I could offer more support. I get if she struggles to understand, that makes perfect sense, and if she's uncomfortable with who you are then unfortunately we can't stop her feeling uncomfortable but I don't think it's fair her taking out her lack of understanding on you. Sorry, that really wasn't helpful at all.

    Just a thought and I know I don't know you parent's upbringing nor yours but maybe your parent has insecurities about sexuality and gender, perhaps even with herself. Like maybe past experiences? Which is why ages really struggling with getting to grips with you being part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Idk, that was a crazy thought.

    Anyhow I hope things get better. And if you ever need another person to rant to, I am here.
     
  9. tidalpool127

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    Hey man, I'm sorry to hear this. I know how it is when your mom doesn't react well. How's your dad acting? Mine was actually understanding when I came out(he had known since I was little). Now, my mom was always in charge of my family and so he never defended me in front of her but I could talk to him. If your dad is taking better maybe you could talk to him for support and find out what the deal is with your mom? Although she did act horribly to me at first, it turned out she was struggling with her religious upbringing and fear that the world would reject me for being gay. She needed time to see that I was much happier being open about myself and then she got much better.
     
  10. AvatarRoku

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    All you guys and girls being here is a huge support and I appreciate every single one of you.

    I guess that sums up how I feel I’m not really angry with her just disappointed she always said to me and my sister growing up it doesn’t matter if your gay lesbian whatever. So I suppose despite me finding it hard to tell them. I kinda expected a better reaction to what I got.

    it’s not a random thought at all I have long suspected she might be Bi she has strange obsessions with female actors and has made several jokes about it in the past. I’ve been wondering if she feels like it’s my choice to be gay rather than who I am as she chooses not to embrace being Bi and chooses to be straight.

    not having much experience with being Bi I read a post on here from a Bi user saying just cause your bisexual doesn’t mean your 50/50 and I thought that was really interesting and kinda wondered if that applied to my mum.

    I really appreciate your support and I hope you know I’m here for you too if you ever need me.
     
  11. AvatarRoku

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    I don’t know why but we all seem to be bothered by are mum’s response. I can safely say cause I was a mummy’s boy

    I’m so pleased that you dad was really good with you it’s so important I think to have someone who can make you feel good about coming out otherwise I think it would become harder and harder to tell people. Unfortunately my dad is not really on the scene. Long winded story but he’s a bit of a idiot and My family is definitely better off without him. I do however have a most wonderful friend who has been phenomenal and inspired me to keep strong. She even tried setting me up with a random guy on the day after I told her!

    religion is such a tricky topic I have the most sweet adorable family friend who a devout Christian and she really gets on well with me as I take her shopping when her husband can’t and she does nothing but say nice things (like old ladies do so well) but in the back of my mind for the last few weeks every time I see her I think would you really be saying all these things if you knew the truth?

    what was your experience like with religious people?
     
  12. caden0803

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    My pleasure
     
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  13. QuietPeace

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    First just because you suspect her of being bisexual does not mean that she is. Just because she says things about women does not mean that she is actually attracted to them.

    As far as choosing. No one chooses their orientation. You cannot choose to be gay, bi or straight. One can choose to live in the closet and pretend to be straight but that does not make them straight.

    My experiences are from the USA and a little in Central America. They were horrific, I was coerced into conversion "therapy" once and later in life another group attempted to do it again. I now avoid religious people like the plague, if anyone indicates that they are religious I do not discuss LGBT+ subjects (or really any personal things) with them.
     
  14. CharlieLuca

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    Yes, I understand how you feel disappointed by her response. I guess naturally as humans we play out in our heads how we want a situation to go, which then I guess convinces us thst it is going to go that way which leads to us findjng it hard when we get the response we weren't looking for... that's just me with lots of things anyways. Equally I guess we can convince ourselves a bad thing is going to come out of a situation and it actually doesn't.

    As for you suspecting your mum may be bi, I really don't know what I ought to say. If I did have anything to say it wouldn't be my place, and even suggesting what I said in my previous reply to you was probably out of line of me so I apologise.

    I don't really know what else to say tbh, sorry. I'm not the best for advice.
     
  15. AvatarRoku

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    I Am not sure if she’s Bi I just always wondered as I’m sure she did about me. She did mention once dating women would be better than men so I guess that’s where it comes from.

    exactly it’s a choice to hide who you are or be it. Not who your attracted to!

    omg how is that acceptable that you got put in conversion therapy how is that allowed to happen I’m so sorry that must have been a horrible experience. I totally understand your adversity to religion I would steer well clear!!
     
  16. AvatarRoku

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    Think that was my biggest mistake having a high expectation. I think if I’d gone in expecting it to go really bad I would actually be quite pleased with the way she reacted. But alas I did not.

    you said nothing wrong at all!! The thought had already occurred long before you said it. As you say there is nothing I can do it’s up to her to come to terms with it (assuming she is Bi) and I can only be there for her if that is the case. There is no need to apologise at all.

    your advice is good you certainly helped me.
     
  17. QuietPeace

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    Just speculating on that would not mean that she is not straight. Even if she had actually experimented with another woman that would not make her not straight. I tell people that the only way that we can be sure of someones orientation is if they tell us.

    Evil things happen in the world all the time. Even in the places where they are discussing making it illegal they only want to make it illegal to do to children and they would still allow groups to work convincing adults that they need to go through it to be "safe" from being tortured forever by their "loving god".

    In and of itself it was not that horrific, having it convince me to pretend to be someone that I am not for years was horrific and I am convinced was a major part of what has made me disabled.
     
  18. CharlieLuca

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    Aw, well don't blame yourself, we all have high hopes and high expectations on various situations.

    OK,thank you.

    Aw I'm glad my advice helped you. Always happy to help, or at least try to. :slight_smile:
     
  19. tidalpool127

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    I apologize, I thought you said parents and I assumed about your dad. My mother talked about not agreeing about my choices as well. I was and still am too much of a momma's boy too. Really that just means our moms were our primary attachment parents growing up. So I understand that pain and/or sense of betrayal.

    Still, her joking about it hurts I know but if they are not cruel maybe this is her way of trying to process it. It is possible you surprised but quite honestly she probably knew already. My mother has never admitted she knew before but what the heck else are you doing when you start telling a 5-7 year old that "boys don't sit like that" or insisting that there must be some girl I have schoolyard crush on.

    If she is being cruel with her jokes I am sorry. The only thing I can say is my own mother did this in an attempt to levy control, thought she could shame me into being straight lol. So stay strong and committed to being yourself. Focus on making you happy and once she sees you happy I can't guarentee she will come around but I do believe that most moms just want their child to be happy.
     
  20. AvatarRoku

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    :rolling_eyes:
    oh definitely not absolutely no way of knowing other than her saying. But just things that have made me pause for a second. I just hope that whatever is causing her to not take it well passes cause I would like her back in my life.

    only discussing? Wow. How can they be allowed to do that they call it radicalisation if terrorists do it what’s the difference? Except perhaps the lack of violence. Some loving god :rolling_eyes:

    I’m not surprised it convinced you to hide who your are it’s so cruel that people think that’s ok to do to someone else. Well good on you for being able to go through that and still find yourself and having the guts to shout louder than those who were trying to silence you!!!