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Is it THAT unusual?? I'm an alien among humans. Help!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bibeauty28, May 21, 2016.

  1. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    Hi there. I hope you're doing well as you read this. So this is me - I am 31. Not in a relationship (although I hope to be in one again. One that is loving and lasts forever), I don't want to get married, however. I don't ever want kids (my own or others) and, I am an ex Jehovah's Witness of three years. I no longer identify as a Christian. I am barely an agnostic. In fact, in recent hard times, when I had to stare death in the face on multiple occasions and almost lost my mom to cancer, I found the idea of praying totally unrealistic, pointless and ignorant. Without going into it too much - If there is a God, I am very angry with them and don't feel I can worship someone that would allow their children to go through evil and hardship. I would rather not associate with someone like that. I would much prefer there to be no God. Because the thought of the alternative leaves me heartbroken and devastated.

    I don't know where this leaves me in the 'normal' world. One where most people want to find a SO, get married, have a family and raise their family to believe in God and instill in them religious values.

    I feel as though finding someone that wants the same things I do will be an impossible task. So I don't even try.

    I also find myself thinking - what is wrong with me? Why don't I want all the 'normal' things in life? And why am I so repelled by the very things that most people consider themselves "blessed" for attaining?

    None of my friends nor family members (save my mother) get it at all. I have no one in this world that understands me, or my reasoning behind my not wanting those preserved milestones in life. And, quite frankly, sometimes I don't even get it myself. Point is - I feel all alone in this world. Worse yet, I don't even feel human. Because, after all, it's only human to want all these things, right? In all the fairy-tales, in every movie and on everyone's bucket list are goals and values I don't share nor want. In most respects I never have.

    I guess I'm writing this here on EC because, in the past, I have received well wishers, understanding people and insightful advice from you wonderfully smart, warm and nonjudgmental people. I am hoping against hope that someone out there gets me in this regard. And, can possibly help me sort this out and show me a point of view that, for whatever reason, I have not been able to find. :bang:

    Thank you for your considerate advice. :help:

    Warm regards, (*hug*)

    Aubrey
     
    #1 bibeauty28, May 21, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2016
  2. Really

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    I don't know, you sound pretty normal to me. I've not been around the kind of people who think the way you're describing things. Or maybe I have and they just haven't been expressing it in public?

    Either way, there are many people who aren't tied to those ideas, myself included, so I suggest you give yourself a break. As far as I'm concerned, you're the one who's got the right idea there.
     
  3. YeahpIdk

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    It's a little unclear when you talk about not feeling normal because of things you don't want that everyone else does. What things? I can only imagine you may be talking about a husband or kids, I'm not sure, but if so - many people don't want those things. And in regard to religion, you're absolutely not alone in not believing in a God or wanting to follow a particular religion that worships God or certain ideals. Most people are atheists, or their own kind of spiritual.
     
  4. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    Really - Wow.. I really didn't think I would get a response from someone that shared my views. How refreshing! I sincerely hope there are more ppl out there like us. I would like to meet them. All the ppl I know want to get married and want or already have kids. And for whatever reason religious ppl are drawn to me I guess. I don't often reveal this but religion and the ppl that practice it make my skin crawl. I mean yes, they have the right to do what they want and I respect that. And most of them are good ppl. Hence the reason I tell none of them that it creeps me out when they post and talk about God and their beliefs. I wonder how I can move past these ppl and find ones that think like I do..?

    YeahpIdk - I feel abnormal because I don't want to get married and have children or practice religion of any kind whatsoever. And all I see everywhere I go, the ppl I meet, the movies I see, books I read - The whole thing seems so ingrained in this world. Like it's a given and that if I don't have those things I'm not normal. I feel like ppl look at my life and think I must have major flaws because I don't want, nor do I fit into the norms of society. You say that most ppl are atheist.. I have yet to meet one. I would LOVE to! Ppl my age and up seem to want to believe in God and or go to church. Even if it's only on Christmas or Easter. And I'm not even willing to do that. Idk, maybe I'm being too ridged. I just really really don't want those three things; Marriage, kids or religion. I so wish I had even one person in my life that didn't want those three things. If many ppl don't want that.. where are they?
    PS- I love your profile picture YeahpIdk!

    Thank you both for your insight :slight_smile:
     
  5. YeahpIdk

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    I'm almost a little shocked that you're surrounded by so many religious people. Most of my friends, save for one (and only on the marriage and kids), are people who mostly believe in science and denounce religion, even if they practice it for family and holidays. Even the majority of my friends don't want kids, except the one. Or they're not even thinking about it. I'm a few years younger than you, so they may change their minds, but having babies and getting married is not the main focus of their life. I do live on the east coast though. I'm not sure if that makes much of a difference, but you're sort of south, and Florida (if that's where you live) is pretty suburban I imagine. I have some family over there but haven't been for awhile. You tend to find people who live in smaller towns/suburban areas focusing on small town suburban things - like getting married and having a kid with a white picket fence that holds animals back from running away. I'm not sure where to tell you to go and meet people with a more diverse background and set of beliefs, but maybe you're encountering masses of religious folk because you were once pretty religious? Are you hanging out in the same crowds still?

    The majority of people do want to get married and have kids someday. So you're not going to get away from that. I want to get married and have kids someday, maybe on the kids, but I'm pretty sure. That's just what most of us humans tend to want and do, probably because it's ingrained into us...from many sources. I'm not religious though. And even though I'd like to get married and possibly have kids, I totally understand why people don't want those things. There are many others out there who have my mindset, AND your mindset. They're everywhere.

    And I'm really sorry to hear you went through such a hard time with your mom. I'm sure that was horrible and scary. I hope things are better now.

    And thanks for the pic compliment! :slight_smile:
     
    #5 YeahpIdk, May 21, 2016
    Last edited: May 21, 2016
  6. CapColors

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    You seem pretty normal to me, especially for a queer person. I don't see much difference between a love that lasts forever and getting married. And lots of people don't want kids.
     
  7. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    It's true - I do have friends from the religion I left. But all the new friends I've made want or have those three things I don't want.

    Yes, I live in FL. The south is more traditional and old fashioned as far as family values and 'what counts in life' is concerned.

    Also, no, I was never religious. I just attended church and did what I was supposed to do. I never came off that way. I didn't hang out with the super religious people in my congregation or anything. I always hated the whole thing. It was just something I got through and didn't have the guts to leave for fear that my family would disown me.

    The new friends I've made outside of the church I left are all uber religious. My Facebook feed is nothing but verses from the Bible and religious inspirational crap that I definitely don't want! I don't seek religious ppl out, I sear. I hate that that seems to be all I attract! Perhaps I should join an atheist meetup group. I might find more like minded ppl there..? :bang:

    ---------- Post added 22nd May 2016 at 11:22 AM ----------

    Thank you for your input, CapColors. It's so nice to know other ppl in this world don't view me as a freak.

    I never want to be trapped under "Gods" thumb again. And I never again want all the headache that came with religion for me. I want to live by my own ethics and morals. I want to continue traveling the world. I want to go on more road trips at the drop of a hat. I want to go out with friends and not worry about what time it is when I get home. I want to sleep in on the weekends if I feel like it. I want to try out different career paths if/when I get bored. If I want to go back to school I don't want anything standing in my way.

    I know all this sounds selfish. And I want to keep it that way. Sorry not sorry, ya know?
     
  8. afgirl

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    I was extremely religious until a few years ago, when the hypocrisy of it all just overwhelmed me and I stopped attending church. I was all on board...I taught children's classes, sang in the choir, the whole 9 yards. And then one day my daughter stopped wanting to go citing the aforementioned hypocrisy and you know, I couldn't argue with her. I truly believe in God, but religion has left me cold.

    I have also always had an immense respect for people who knew they didn't want children. Everybody is not meant to be a parent, just like everyone is not meant to be married. I feel the latter applies to me, although I hold out a little hope that I'll end up happily ever after. I just can't shake that Cinderella story, I guess.

    You are not alone by any means, and you have to be true to yourself. Good luck.
     
  9. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    afgirl - Wow.. Thank you for contributing to my thread. Really! I can seriously relate to your story. And I so wish I had someone like you in my life that could tell me that they respect my choices and leave it at that. Instead ppl poke fun at me, judge and try to talk me into seeing things there way. It's almost as if all these ppl are in a cult and are trying to make me a member, lol. Of course that's not the case.. But sometimes that's how I feel. :roflmao:
     
  10. bi2me

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    I'm Jewish, and a fairly practicing one. But I'm also agnostic. I find the rhythms and melodies of prayer to be comforting in a meditative way, but I often rebel against the patriarchy of organized religion. Good news is that our congregation has had many women rabbis and lay leaders, and liberal Judaism welcomes the conversations and push back I have to offer.

    That said, I don't think you are odd at all. I'm too science involved to believe in a book written by people a long time ago. But I think like any mythology or fiction, there can be truths found in them, even if they aren't literal.
     
  11. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    Hi bi2me. I've seen lots of your comments here on EC. You always have great advice and are very insightful and kind. It's nice to learn a bit more about you. :slight_smile:

    I'm not a fan of ppl that push the Bible or any religious material (JW's have A LOT of religious material). I was pressured to read the Bible and all of the JW material almost everyday from the time I could read up until three years ago when I quite God, the Bible and religion all together. And though I despise the fact that it was shoved down my throat for 26 years I know you're right. Even though I can't look at a Bible without wanting to burn it - there are stories in it that have good teaching points and whether I like to admit it or not (and I REALLY don't like to), I believe that I'm a pretty good person and the stories in the Bible tough me a good set of morals from a very young age. Although you have to take that book with a grain of salt as well.

    I also believe that I could have grown up the same if not a better more well rounded and not so closed minded person had I been raised by non-religious parents. There are plenty of good people with good morals that have never been in a church or picked up a Bible a day in there lives. I truly believe I would have been a healthier child/young adult had I not grown up in the church. I feel like it really held me back 98% of my life.

    I try very hard to respect people who believe in religion, God and the Bible. Although it took me years (and I blame the Jehovah's Witness origination for this), I now understand that I don't have to agree about a single thing with someone (within reason of course) in order to respect them.

    After having given up what JW's call 'the Truth' or 'the one true religion' (barf) and being told my whole life that 'JW's are the best of the people on this planet', I have come into my own and become the best version of myself yet. Leaps and bounds better mentally, emotionally, spiritually etc. than I was when I was a JW. In fact, as a JW I cried myself to sleep almost every night for the better part of a decade, and was a mental and emotional basket case.

    I realize that faith is a powerful thing. And that lots of people thrive in organized religion. I also don't claim that my opinions of God, the Bible and all things religious are right. They are just right for me. :slight_smile:

    It takes all kinds. And I believe we should let people be whatever kind they want. All I want is to associate with people that are like minded. I've been surrounded by people that I don't understand my whole life. I just want to fit in better some place. I'm tired of feeling all alone.

    bi2me - (*hug*)
     
    #11 bibeauty28, May 22, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: May 22, 2016
  12. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    Also, I think it's worth noting that I am jealous of people that find prayer and faith so comforting. Every time I prayed I felt awful and cried while praying and long after I was done. But I am glad for the people that find solace in their faith and in prayer. I truly am.

    I have found solace in mindful meditation. I love the feeling of being completely present in the moment and the purposeful stillness and silence of it all.

    I could never find the kind of peace I have today in religion.
     
  13. afgirl

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    I should mention that at the time I departed from the church I had really not come to terms with my sexuality, so it had nothing to do with being bisexual. However, that has only added to it because I see a whole lot of sin out there that gets overlooked, but talk about gay marriage and homosexuality and everybody loses their minds.
     
  14. Mr B

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    Try reading some Nietzsche, the guy smashes religion and that was over 100 years ago. The stuff you said about living by your own morals, that's precisely what it is all about: freeing yourself up from the shackles of internalized social control.
    That said, you get to a point where you get over that as well and your atheism becomes so normal that you feel there is not even the need to argue against religion.
    I think the key really is finding like-minded people, you feel an alien because you are among the wrong crowd. Through courses, groups, events, whatever, do your research, follow your interests and you will find your kindred.
     
  15. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    Afgirl - Yes! It's a hot button issue. Especially right now. I battled with my sexuality while also being a JW. That was really tough. Men go up on that stage at least three times a month and site verses in the Bible and give whole half hour talks about how wrong it is to be homosexual and how disappointed God is in you if you don't vow to stay celibate. And if you feel like a different gender than what some doctor assigned you at birth then "you have a mental illness. You must not change. Your gender was Gods plan and he never makes a mistake and it is a perversion to live as a woman if you were born a man and vis versa. Just as being gay is a perversion."

    I am totally ok with people believing in what they want. But to shame people and children especially for being lgbt+ sets them back. Some for years and years. And even worse, I know there are people that live in self hatred their whole lives because of what they were told three times a month or more for years upon years by some man that thinks he is doing and saying the right things. And perhaps there are some men on that stage that may say those thing from a place of hatred in their heart. And that is horrifying to think.

    I knew a person that felt as though they were a woman but because she had a penis and wanted to be a JW she had to dress in a suit at church, wear mens clothing 24/7 and keep a short hair style. She was so miserable all the time. But the people in my church told her that if she wanted to live forever in paradise she couldn't take hormones, she had to use male pronouns and live s a man for the rest of her life. She was told it was the only way to please God and to do other was a horrible perversion and a sin. She killed herself after attending a year of worship in the kingdomhall of Jehovah's Witnesses. I can only assume she was incredibly unhappy living a lie. I hate that I was a part of an organization that drove her to commit suicide. I will never know for sure if that was truly the case. But my stomach turns whenever I think about it. I wish she would have had a better life. And I wish a JW never found her at her door. Everyone said that she was severely mentally ill (for being trans) and it wasn't a shock to them after they all learned of her death. I cried for her for a long time. Even eyeballs deep into the religion I remember thinking it was very wrong that she had to hide who she truly was and I felt very guilty for not paying more attention to her and becoming her friend. I felt that in a way I had something to do with her killing herself. It was one of the worst times in my young life.

    That is one of many reasons I will never turn back to religion. Sometimes JW's come to my door and try to preach to me. I listen to there speech, I take their literature and am very polite. I know how hard it was to go door to door. It is a major reason I have such horrid social anxiety to this day. But the whole time I'm listening to them I think of all the horrible times I had in that religion and wonder if the people at my door are just as bad off as I was. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't. Either way, I m always disturbed when I listen to them or see them out in public. (Yes, I can spot one form a mile away.)

    Now that I am no longer religious I find I have more compassion for people. People of all kinds. But mostly, my heart bleeds for straight and especially lgbt+ Jehovah's Witnesses.

    ---------- Post added 22nd May 2016 at 06:16 PM ----------

    Thank you Mr. B! I would love love love to get to a point where I never thing of religion and all the bad memories associated with it. I think I will join an Atheist Meetup group if I can find one close to me. That might be very good for me. :slight_smile:
     
    #15 bibeauty28, May 22, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: May 22, 2016
  16. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    Thank you Mr. B. I would love love love to stop thinking about religion all the time and all the bad memories connected to it. I think I will join an Atheist Meetup group if I can find one close enough. I might really enjoy myself! I would be so happy to be around like minded people for a change.
     
  17. PrettyinPunk

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    I just wanted to add on and say you are definitely not abnormal for feeling this way. As others have said, it's heavily dependent on the exposure of your environment and social upbringing. Doesn't mean it's right or wrong or that it holds true for other people who live differently.

    I would consider myself non religious but spiritual (in a non theological sense). While I respect other's who choose to practice their faith, I'm not very fond of religion and feel it's done more harm than good. Because of this I could never be with someone who is religious as it conflicts heavily with my own beliefs. I also have no intention of getting married, pretty much for the same reasons. I respect what it means to other people but to me it's meaningless and negative. When it comes to kids I'm a little more flexible. Its not that I don't want kids at all, just I don't think I'm the type to be raising any. I like my freedom at this point in my life I can't have that and have kids. I mean I could but it'd be unfair to the child. So it's an unlikely possibility.

    Also I wanted to say I'm sorry that your religious experience has caused you so much difficulty. You're absolutely not alone there either. I think if you were to go to a different area were it was more progressive and people of your age group were more focused on careers and independence, you'd find a lot of likeminded individuals.