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Is it stupid to be as hurt as I am?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Delta, Mar 28, 2016.

  1. Delta

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    So I told my mom tonight that I want a neutral name. I introduce myself at new classes tomorrow, as my feminine name, and it hurts that I have to do that... I do have to. There's no avoiding it now. But this is painful enough, and bad enough, that I know I can't do it again. I need to change it. The act of saying my name aloud shouldn't be so painful... I -need- a new name.

    So, I told my mom. She gave me my feminine name, which is a great name, a wonderful name. I love everything about that name except the associated gender. So I wanted her to help me... Just help me pick things out... I wanted her to be supportive and encouraging... But she wasn't... I tried to be kind to her, so I started off with how I like my name, all except the way it makes people think that I'm a girl. So she rallied against peer pressure and for being myself and not letting other people define me. And I had to explain that actually, I am the one who wants a new name. She did not like that. She said my name took a lot of time and effort to pick out and she couldn't just do that again on the spot. So I told her she had time, I just needed this... After all this arm twisting, she finally said "Ok but I feel kind of rejected" and then asked if I was doing this to hurt her.

    And I guess both of us were asking that question... Because.... Fuck, this hurts... This hurts like hell. And I know, I know, other people go through way worse, and their parents kick them out and never do even say "Ok", but... It hurts so fucking bad. I just want to be like anyone else. I just want a name my mom gave me, like the other kids. And it hurts really badly when my parents (who were always super supportive of all the things I did when I was a kid because they wanted kids so bad and were convinced that they ended up with the best ones), don't show any of that same enthusiasm for these parts of me. These parts of me actually hurt them for me to have. And that's something I've never wanted.

    She made sure to tell me she loved me and that she'd always be my mom, which put a bandaid on it... But I still can't stop crying.
     
    #1 Delta, Mar 28, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2016
  2. killswitch0029

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    I don't think it's stupid that you feel hurt. A name is a pretty important thing that holds a lot of power; it is essentially what makes up someone's identity and I imagine having an argument over how you want to be identified can be pretty upsetting.
     
  3. InfinityonHigh

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    There's nothing "stupid" about what you're feeling. There's no right or wrong answer to how you should feel about this. Neither are there rules to them. You're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to fell hurt. There'll always be someone that had it worse than you, but that doesn't invalidate what you're experiencing. Don't blame yourself for not meeting their expectations and assumptions about you.

    I don't have much advice on your situation with your mom, but I can at least say that it's not irrational or unreasonable for you to feel the way you do about it.
     
  4. Eveline

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    This is so hard to cope with and it takes a huge emotional toll on us to try and cope with everything that we are going through. It can be hard for parents to understand what we wre going through and your mother's reaction reflects these struggles. It is natural to feel hurt afer such discussions and it is good that you were able to share with us and not keep it to yourself. Hopefully, in time your mother will understand a bit better how hard this is for you, she sounds like she loves you and like hou she has a journey she needs to go through until she accepts the changes that you must go through.

    Feel bettter and warmest of hugs,

    (*hug*)

    Eveline
     
    #4 Eveline, Mar 28, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2016
  5. Mihael

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    My mom does the same every time she sees I get on better with dad or want to do or wear something she thinks of as masculine or when I prefer to stick with the guys. I don't know what to do about it too. Some people just have this... Opinion that it is personal or can't imagine the you can actually, genuinely want those thigs and think/feel this way. I got used to it... Still hurts every time. If writing about it is what you need, we're here to listen. Hugs.
     
  6. Delta

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    She's slightly more amenable to the idea today, I think, but it's still a really, really hard day because of how I need to introduce myself. I'm a boy today, but that won't matter to anyone because I'm still girl shaped and girl named and I feel awful.:icon_sad:

    I'll live... I just... I don't know, is it all going to be so hard? I want to come out. I want to be out of the closet and proud of who I am, like I was able to do with my sexuality. But this is so, so much harder than that. I have much more internalized transphobia than I ever had internalized homophobia. I have much less support and acceptance than I had for that. If it's all so draining and crushing, I don't know if I can do it... But I'm fairly certain I can't not do it, so my options are limited......... :help: