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Is it still denial? or Could I be straight?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Braj, Jun 18, 2021.

  1. Braj

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    Hello everyone... I have posted here earlier but still feel confused and wanted to share/discuss more and listen from you.

    I realized that I had sexual and romantic attraction for men as early as in high school when I had crush on boys. I thought the attraction between men and women is natural and I will feel that or maybe I am even feeling but not realizing. In college also I noticed the difference between my feelings for men and women. I never acted upon them and suppressed them. I still believed that finally I have to be / will be with women only and my fantasies about men are just fantasies. My attraction towards men was not just sexual, it was much more than that. I could and used to visualize myself living my whole life with some of my close male friends, but still thought that finally I would end up with a women.

    Later when I got job and after a few years my parents started to ask me about marriage something struck. Even though I believed and thought that I would finally end up with a women, something wasn't right.. something didn't click and I realized how strong my feelings for men were and I couldn't ignore them and I couldn't date women. I wanted to date men but couldn't because I was afraid of repercussions.

    For a while, I was living my life knowing that I am gay and I thought I would not marry and was OK with the fact that I may have to live single for the entire life because I know that it will be difficult to find a gay partner. I didn't think that I needed to come out because I didn't know any benefit of coming out in finding a partner (in my country) or in any other ways.

    A few years later, recently (last week), I did tell my mother about it and though she is not fully convinced that I might be gay, I have managed to get her to agree that I shouldn't marry a girl.

    Still, whenever I am about to accept the fact that I might be gay, at times I find myself surrounded by some questions and think that I might be straight --

    (1) Many men who later realized that they are gay have told here that when in denial/repression one can have an 'automatic shut down' mode turn on whenever they saw a guy that was attractive - when in denial it could even cause anxiety. Yeah that's true... but I also feel that I have done this with women too. I have repressed my feelings for women because sex is a cultural taboo and immoral before marriage and I am not aroused because of anxiety (as it is a taboo). Could this be true or is it just something I do to rationalize that I'm straight? I mean even though I might have repressed sexual feelings, I still ended up realizing my feelings for men... then why not for women... I don't know.

    (2) I don't get aroused hard (though I get some arousal), with fantasies or images of women. Is this because I’ve forced myself to be gay? Can you block yourself from being aroused? Can my lack of sexual attraction towards women is just because of anxiety? (again because it is a taboo)

    (3) I never experimented for the sake of testing or validating or proving my sexuality. I have not had sex with a woman. Is it OK to say that I can't have a relationship with them which involves sex?

    (4) Could it be some kind of obsession/compulsion and I'm blocking some feelings and creating new feelings? I wonder if my sexual attraction towards men is only because it is forbidden as per conventional societal norms and hence I find it exciting. What if I am straight, and not wanting to be straight (going against the prevailing norm) is some kind of obsession/compulsion? May be I am just afraid of marriage and commitment and I chose/forced myself to being gay as it will get rid me of marriage (again am I stuck in some kind of obsession/compulsion here?).

    (5) What if my feelings for men are just fantasies and erotic because it is forbidden.

    (6) I might realize later that I am straight. I’m worried that somehow i’m gonna start liking women all of a sudden.

    I don't know if ''I am choosing to be gay because of some OCD to get attention?'' or ''I am developing some OCD now, trying to prove that I am straight?'' or ''Am I just in denial?''
     
  2. masterofnone

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    a lot of what you say points to you being gay. in regards to the ocd part gay people do obsess about sexual orientation (EXCEPT) they obsess that they might be straight. Are you worried you’re straight? Is that what you’re trying to say?
     
  3. out2019

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    if your experience is like mine, you're in the 'bargaining' phase.

    Well you have gay fantasies despite the higher taboo, but don't have them about women, right?

    When i was questioning, 'bargaining' @Chip replied with a great post about internal fantasy:

    Key phrase here "he was much more strongly aroused by thoughts of men than thoughts of women. That's extremely telling, because those thoughts overwhelmed the messages everyone gets from society that guys are supposed to like girls."

    Honestly do you really think you can 'force' yourself to be gay?

    See the above post. Honestly it just sounds like you're in the bargaining phase and you pretty much know you're gay, you're just checking off any lingering doubts.

    I don't mean to say this to scare you, just relating my experience, but once I started to admit I was gay, the damn burst any 'attraction' i had to women just faded.

    This has been the experience of many here. In other words, this is very very unlikely to happen.

    OCD as I understand it is worrying you might be gay. I had a lot of anxiety when I first started to accept myself and latched onto this. Ah it's OCD!
    OCD: worried you might be gay because you recognize a man is good looking.
    Gay: Fantasies about having sex with him.
    OCD: Worried you might start wanting to give a blow job
    Gay: It feels very very good to think about giving one.
     
    #3 out2019, Jun 18, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2021
  4. Braj

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    I feel worried that what if I am straight (or if I turn out to be straight later). What if I am not really gay and it is all an illusion? I kind of obsess that I might be straight and try to find some clue while testing myself while observing women around in real or digital world.

    Yes, that's right.

    Okay.. so it applies to me too. I am much more strongly aroused by men than women not just in my thoughts but also in real life in spite of the messages I get from society that guys are supposed to like girls. In fact it is much more than just sex. It feels like I want an emotionally intimate relationship with a man more than I want it with a woman.
    I guess that may be it.

    As per this, I am really gay. But what I am saying is the other way --
    OCD: worried I might be straight because I recognize a woman is good looking. Worried I might start liking to have sex with them.
     
  5. out2019

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    Oh ok, I see. You think you might have 'straight' OCD.

    Your full quote says:
    I don't think it's any of these, I think you're in the 'bargaining' stage, and working on acceptance - there's a lot to mentally process, and you might find yourself examining your behaviors and reassessing them.

    If you have had gay fantasies since a young age- and intense ones, and never any about women that's not likely to change. But accepting you're gay might help the doubt and questioning.

    A lot of gay men here have had all interest in women fade very quickly once they accept they are gay.
     
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  6. Jo Hannah

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    :thinking:.. Reading with interest … the Bargaining phrase is something I hadn’t considered but am probably coming out of.. :smirk:
     
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  7. out2019

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    there's a lot of reference these stages -they don't always come in this order but:
    denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance are often referred to here.
    "Grief" for example might giving up a hope that you were straight or some 'dream' you had of a romantic fantasy (straight marriage in a large country house, dream (straight) wedding )

    Have you ever tried looking into the mirror and saying "I am gay" (or "I am lesbian" or whatever fits better)? it can be a very powerful exercise.
     
  8. Jo Hannah

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    Recently I had hypnotherapy for some PTSD issues, and during that session I had accepted I’m lesbian, said it to myself, was a big sucker punch in the guts type of feeling, A kind of subconscious telling me very firmly what’s in my heart, so I know it’s coming.

    Typing it is also a eye opening thing … saying it loud as a straight sentence … maybe i’m not quite there yet .. i’ll say “ I think I may be Bi/ lesbian”. And then start back peddling in my head.

    For now i’m ok with that … I don’t think I have the grief for loosing the chance at heterosexual relationships.. They never really worked for me anyway !

    I had mostly been single for 12 + years and given up on men.

    My family if I did tell them would be fine .. so I don’t have the fear of family rejection.

    I’m very luck really that I can mostly come to my own place without too much pressure from societal views.

    My only stumbling block would be the narrow minded village / town I live in. And I can move and probably would have to anyway as there’s too many painful memories here and coming out in this village inevitably puts my friend too and I can’t do that to her.
     
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  9. fdfsdf

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    I have gone through almost the same thing. I honestly think we are both most likely gay. Like others have said, I think we are both in our bargaining phases. As time goes on for me the thoughts of having a boyfriend are not turning me off like it used to. In fact every other month for me, it seems like my brain is pushing me more and more to find a guy to be with. I have never had this kind of strong urge towards women.
     
  10. out2019

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    yeah it's a big big change to the self, so only when you're ready.. but it sounds like you're getting there! I'd imagine you're stumbling across a lot of senteneces and observations here at EC and thinking "I could have written that!" :slight_smile:

    Take your time, I was trembling when I walked up to the mirror and said it...i know how it can feel.
    Do everything at a pace that feels comfortable for you. I can tell you on the other side of everything I feared about being gay was incredibly joy and happiness!

    Yeah that can be tough, go easy on yourself. Sometimes I feared if I accepted myself somehow everyone would 'know' :slight_smile:
     
  11. out2019

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    My romantic feelings and being comfortable with the idea of dating men was a little paradoxical..almost at the same time of accepting I was gay the desire grew- I guess it was rejecting the idea that it was just a fetish or a fantasy - that idea was shattered when someone on EC asked me "Imagine coming home from work and kissing and saying I love you to someone" who do you see? I had never allowed myself to think of that, I tried it and it just naturally had a guy there, from then on I knew it was something I wanted in real life too!

    Yes. When I finally started to think about dating men I was like "oh THIS is what straight people feel like when they think about dating the opposite sex". The motivation with women just wasn't there.
     
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  12. fdfsdf

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    EXACTLY! What was starting to pretty much know I am gay is when I am trying o masturbate to women I notice right before my mind will quickly switch the last gay porn or hot guy image I looked at and boom its a sweet release! haha
     
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