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Is it Real or is it Trauma?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Bisurprise, Jun 16, 2020.

  1. Bisurprise

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2020
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey.
    I'm a biological girl, dressed and raised, but I remember around fourth grade, I got mad acne out of nowhere, increased in belly fat, and masculine like hair features started showing up. I was an immediate outcast from people my age, and it's something that still hurts me to my core.
    I felt like I wasn't a girl. Not that I was a boy, or maybe yes but I didn't feel it because I was too busy being hurt because I wasn't a girl. I felt like I disappointed my mom by not being as attractive or a "looker" growing up. It did a huge number on my self esteem. I rejected overtly female patterns because I didn't feel good or "girly" enough for them.
    I got diagnosed with PCOS around four years ago. Apparently the male-like androgen hormones wreaked havok on my endocrine system. I just explained my general oddness on that.
    I am currently managing it naturally--no medications-- and have been dieting and exercising for a good three years now (still at it, I was a huge lad lmao). And I've been getting regular cycles, my hormones are supposedly balanced. All's good there.
    But the thoughts pop up sometimes, and in a different way.
    Another detail: I was molested when I was 11. The man's dead now and I never really got closure or "revenge" so I was left to silently deal with it to not worry the fam.
    The ordeal lasted about six to eight months. But the things that he said during "it" were... Disgusting. To say the least. He made jabs at how "beautiful" I was, how shapely my legs are forming, etc. I remember I started exercising and I was close to reaching a nice healthy weight. The first time it happened, I dared to wear leggings for the first time because I looked cute. Didnt put on a pair for the next couple years, minimum.
    Ok but the most relevant comment he made (at least to this thread) was how he started it all: as "education" sessions because I'm a girl and I will have to do it later with my husband. His logic was that I should learn now, whether I was interested or not.
    It made me despise being a girl. I hated how I even wanted to be one in the first place. I did so many things HUMANELY possible to destroy myself. I ate myself into obesity, didn't wash my face, didn't do my hair, basically let my masculine features out. I hated looking in the mirror, but i would hate it if I looked good one day. I was constantly trapped in a cycle of self hate in the guise of gender.
    I'm mentioning the above because the last couple years, I've yo-yo'd between feeling feminine and masculine even though I've been taking care of myself. It takes A LOT to feel feminine for me, because I had naturally masculine facial features and body shape. Acne doesn't help, either. But I noticed that when I have "episodes" where something triggered me to remember the above... I'd kinda act, walk, and talk like a man. My mom would get freaked out to a point, because I didn't even know that I was doing it. Again, naturally deep voice is in my arsenal.
    I equated feeling vulnerable and ugly to feeling masculine. I often have an ongoing desire for a male twin, almost like an overtly male "protector" figure who would hold me and give strength to my femininity when I'm weak.
    WhenI I'mfeeling like a man, I feel "puffed" with courage, rebelliousness, and angsty. When I'm feeling like a girl, I feel serene, resilient, and happy.
    Recently it hasn't been that simple. I found myself embracing this masculine side of me, and I'm weightlifting to grow muscle and (hopefully) get toned enough to pass off as either. Sometimes these feelings would be so strong that I could declare I was a boy or a girl in these moments with equal confidence and dedication to this gender until it phases over. In the past couple weeks, I find myself wanting to be able to pass off as either one, successfully, something that would've killed fourth grade me.
    What do you guys think it is? Is there a term for this? I am ok with being called a girl in either gender feeling surprisingly. I guess because I'm so confused.
    Tell me what you all think.
    [Sorry for the long-ass rant. Tried to keep it to important(ish) details.]
     
  2. Dandygoth

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2020
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Chicago-ish
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Hey there! I'm new to the forum, but not new to gender exploration.

    I did a workbook a few months ago called "You and Your Gender Identity" by Dara Hoffman-Fox. They're a gender therapist who is also nonbinary themselves. I thought I already knew everything about my gender identity and was just looking for some ways to punch it up a notch and transition further. What I actually did was uncover a ton of sexist trauma that shaped a lot of how I view my gender identity.

    In the end, I learned that it's possible for BOTH to be true. You can be traumatized, but you can also have feelings about your true gender identity independent of any trauma. One doesn't cancel the other out.

    I don't really want to encourage you to identify as something other than a woman if you really think your expression is fueled by trauma, though, so maybe you should look for a therapist who specializes in LGBT issues, or why don't you buy that book I mentioned? I think the digital version may still be about a dollar on Amazon.

    In the mean time, it sounds like you identify as woman, but your gender expression is fluid. You might like to adopt a nonbinary or genderfluid identity, but the more you learn about gender and sexuality, the more you'll see that people blur the lines all the time--so, for example, you could be a nonbinary woman.

    I have wanted to start hormone therapy and get top surgery for a long time, but don't have the means for it yet, and I've sometimes thought that if I did manage to pass as a guy, I'd then be ok with being called a girl. That's not really supposed to make sense, but I think humans are more complicated than labels. I don't know exactly how this forum works yet, but if you want to PM me to talk more, I'll try to help you out!
     
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