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Is it possible to really forgive and forget?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by mangotree, Oct 19, 2016.

  1. mangotree

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    I struggle with forgiveness.
    People have hurt me, and every time I think of those people, regardless of whether or not they've changed, a shadow of the hurt is still there.

    I've learned a lot about 'letting go', meditation, contemplation, empathy etc... but memories still come back loud and clear.
    It's not that I hate or even dislike the people that hurt me, a lot of them were actually trying to help (out of ignorance). I just can't see a side of the situations that would make me happy to have experienced them though.

    Has anyone actually succeeded at fully forgiving and/or forgetting?
    And if so - how?
     
  2. AlamoCity

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    I actually just had this conversation with my mom. When I was little, I always asked how people could actually "forgive and forget." I can't. I have a very good memory, and easily hold grudges that earn compound interest.

    I can forgive, but the person needs to show a history of actually making changes to their behavior and not be a habitual offender.

    I remember in the Bible when they asked Jesus how many times they should forgive and tried to be holier-than-thou and said "up to seven times Jesus?" and Jesus said, "Seventy-seven times." I would joke with my mom saying I was waiting for the person to transgress against me 77 times so that I could never forgive them an be Jesus approved :lol:.
     
  3. JonSomebody

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    I know personally that you can forgive even when someone had done something to you of such a tragic nature. Forgiveness is not for them...but its for you to be able to move forward in your life and not let what's been done to consume you to evolve into bitterness. However, I come to realize that you never forget...you move on..you forgive..but you never forget. It just doesn't cross your mind on a regular basis.
     
  4. kibou97

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    I don't necessarily know if it's forgiving but whenever somebody does something wrong to me, unless it's something very huge, I try my best to move on from it just because I can't stand anger whenever I feel angry and just get mad at myself(kinda weird but oh well) so normally I try and just move on from things and let them go. That being said though, that doesn't mean my anger towards somebody won't flair back up if I see them again and they're still acting the same as when they did something wrong.
     
  5. myheartincheck

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    I think this is something most people struggle with. There is a very fine line between forgiving and being taken advantage of. You shouldn't let people continue to treat you badly over and over, and should do whatever you can to avoid encounters/cut ties with that person if this happens.

    The art of forgiving and forgetting is not one I have mastered, but am attempting to master currently, so this thread stuck out for me. I have a boss who can be very disrespectful towards me at times. In order to achieve peace, I am trying to start everyone I know with a blank slate daily. She is not a bad person, nor does she dislike me. Our personalities do clash a bit, just as my sister and I have clashing personalities at times. However, I read a devotional about how love keeps no record of wrongs, and it made me realize I am still holding on to needless anger from past situations.

    Again, I haven't mastered the art, but I think a big part of moving on is being able to forgive and forget our own moral failings (this is a hard one for me!). Forgiveness also takes time. Allow yourself to feel human emotion over being hurt. However, don't let it keep you there. If nothing else, tell yourself you have to forget for your own sanity. I'm trying to implement my own advice, and when I start feeling hurt from someone's past actions, I tell myself, "This person now has a blank slate. Every day is a new beginning. Likewise, I have a blank slate. I will let go of these memories and this hurt."

    It's worth noting that we are only human, and will fail in our attempts to forgive and forget sometimes. It is also ok to grieve after being hurt. However, I think there is a lot of maturity in attempting to grow in this area. :slight_smile:
     
  6. 108

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    I'm not a forgiving person at all.
     
  7. Joelouis

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    I'll forgive if it was a mistake someone made as long as they expressed regret and apologised. If they're the kind of person who thinks nothing of wrongdoing others, then I'll just put a line through their name and forget about them.
     
    #7 Joelouis, Oct 19, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2016
  8. Nikky DoUrden

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    I can forgive if I have positive feelings toward that person and he acknowledged of what he did and apologized. otherwise, no, I wont encourage bad behaviour without repercussions.
    If I dont care for that person then I also wont care what he say :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #8 Nikky DoUrden, Oct 20, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2016
  9. Brytaleith

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    I think it's less of forgetting what the person did, and more of forgetting your anger and hatred towards the other person. Don't hold a grudge, basically.

    I think it's a really bad idea to forget the actual act itself. Almost dangerous. And quite impossible, sometimes.
     
  10. resu

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    You can't forget, but you can stop yourself dwelling on negativity because it won't change what happened. It's more like "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me," where I remember if someone was untrustworthy and become more cautious when in the future. For serious things, I might have to just stop interacting with a person unless absolutely necessary.

    ---------- Post added 20th Oct 2016 at 06:00 AM ----------

    Also, it is important to remeber people do things for strange reasons, and sometimes they just had a bad day or were very ignorant. It's not an excuse for bad behavior, but sometimes it can help you not take things too personally. This is one reason I love my friends who are emotionally mature enough to be usually positive and slow to anger.
     
  11. JackAttack

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    I think forgiving is possible but forgetting is not.

    Iv been trying to forget someone for years but have failed every time. However I do forgive him which does make me feel better.
     
  12. Gunsmoke

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    It depends on how badly they messed up.

    Usually I forgive, but I don't forget - but as I said, it depends on what they did.
    For example, I had an argument a year or two ago with a group of straight guys who wouldn't stop saying the word "faggot" although I politely asked them not to. Then they went mental at me for trying to censor them (even though all I said was that the word was offensive) and told me I had a superiority complex and totally patronised me because, well, I'm a woman and they were men, I guess.
    So even though it was a pretty minor issue, I never forgave them for that because they tried to make me feel guilty and like I was the one who needed to apologise, even though they were the ones throwing slurs around.

    And then there have been times where people have done much worse than that, but I've forgiven them because they have apologised and I could trust them to honour their apology.

    As a general rule, though, the worse the offense was, the less likely I am to forgive them.
     
  13. AlexanderDragon

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    I can forgive others all I want, I can't forgive myself, and I never forget.
     
  14. ThatBorussenGuy

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    Nope. There are still people I hate from ten years ago; people who made my life a living hell daily. I don't see them anymore, haven't had anything to do with them in years, but if I saw them, I'd still hate them. I don't forgive easy and I don't forget.
     
  15. baconpox

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    Definitely. Logically, if they realize their mistake, it's not good for either of us for me to hold a grudge. I just think it's great that they're doing the right thing now. As for emotional trouble with it, I really believe that people are fundamentally good, and that's a lot more emotionally appealing to me than it is to be upset.
     
    #15 baconpox, Oct 20, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2016
  16. SkyWinter

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    I don't believe in forgive and forget. First of all, if you've wronged me it's your responsibility to make things right for me. I'm not under any obligation to "forgive" you. Even if you apologize.

    I know some people say that forgiveness is not for them but for you, but that doesn't make sense. If they aren't there, then how do you forgive them? Forgiveness seems to imply a confrontation and whether or not the person who wrongs you apologizes forgiving them seems like a form of moral positioning that isn't necessary if you were already in the right.
     
  17. beewolf

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    I don't think anyone is required to forgive and forget, but myself I've forgiven quite a few people over the past few years. Recently I even thought of a person who wronged me horribly several years ago, and I found myself hoping she's doing well. But that's because I understood she was being a bad person because someone else had hurt her before, etc. Really I think it depends on the situation, and I think anyone ever rarely forgets about things like that. Even if you forgive a person, the knowledge of what they did will always be there.
     
  18. Blinko

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    This question presents a paradox because if someone successfully forgives and forgets they cannot narrate the events that led to this situation.
    In my case maybe forgiving but not forgetting major atrocities while forgetting and not forgiving minor events.

    I was put through some shitty psychological and physical trauma as a child and hated this person so much while the same time having feelings of helplessness and bitterness. What had i done to God to deserve such treatment from an adult who sprung out of nowhere due to parent's negligence...i bottled up the anger which motivated me to improve my life and be independent so that i wouldn't and nobody i love wouldnt have to go through the sh*t i went through ever again.

    The first time after attaining my freedom, i bumped into that person and all those suppressed feelings came back and i wanted to scream or hurt them as they did to me as a child but felt the same s**tty feeling of helplessness as was in the past and felt that even as an adult, i still had instilled 'fear'. I had to 'remove' myself from instances where i would bump into this satanic being (i know I'm still kinda bitter)

    I however worked it out through some outside help and karma is a f***ing b**tch because that person is suffering some untreatable psychological and physical condition, very desperate and in the streets.

    My 2c is, time is a healer and most things that happen become tinier scars as time passes by. If the scars are too wide to mend, seek outside help. And do not wish your enemies bad, their own conscience shall eat them up if you ignore them and live your life happily
     
  19. ScatteredEarth

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    Forgive, but never forget... To forget would mean to not take precaution against the original transgression should it happen again.
     
  20. Gunsmoke

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    I agree with this. Honestly, I'm often slow to forgive people because I hate being taken advantage of, and if they've really hurt me then forgiving almost seems like submission, even though logically, I know it isn't. So, yeah, remember to protect yourself, but forgive so that you can be at peace.