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Is it possible for people to "know" youre gay/lesbian before you do?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Shy95, Mar 3, 2018.

  1. Shy95

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    I was bullied in school for being a lesbian, people say I "look" gay, and lesbians say theres something about me too. Does this stuff hold any truth to it? I feel like its all based on stereotypes... But maybe we're being too "progressive" and deal with the fact that "if it looks like a lesbian, talks like a lesbian and walks like a lesbian... Its probably a lesbian!".
     
  2. bried87

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    Definetly! I resently came out to my best friend about being Bisexual and her first response was "CALLED IT!"
     
  3. Chip

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    It's very possible for people to know before you do. Our own internal denial mechanisms can be really strong, and keep us from admitting the truth even to ourselves.

    Parents (particularly mothers) often seem to know, intuitively, and often before their child is even aware. Whether you call it intuition, gaydar, stereotyping, or what have you... all of these things are based in part on factual info. Certainly not all gay men or lesbians fit all stereotypes, but it's astounding how practically every one of us does fit into some of them.

    So in short... yes, entirely possible.
     
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  4. Biguy45

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    I’ve been wondering this too. I often think about whether anyone realizes I’m bi. If they do I wish they would tell me
     
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  5. Lexa

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    Yes. Straight people often don't notice it, but LGBT people often do. I'm pretty sure other LGBT people knew I wasn't straight, I got hit on by another girl/woman more than once although I had a boyfriend. And taking into account that there are not a lot of women who are into women... I used to think it was coincidence but now I don't think so anymore.
     
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  6. Biguy45

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    I guess I’ll never be outed because I don’t think I’m ever around other lgbt people
     
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  7. Avian

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    Yeah, I came out to a large group of friends and one person’s response was, “I knew it!” However, you are the only one who can decide your sexuality in the end-whatever feels right to you!
     
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  8. PatrickUK

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    I'm sorry you were bullied at school about your sexuality. I know how much it hurts, because I went through the same thing and it pushed me deep into the closet. The bullies "called me" (and targeted me) long before I was ready to accept myself.

    Was I transparent? Did they see right through me? I used to think so, but I now realise how it was a flawed perspective. The problem wasn't so much what they saw in me, it was what they said and did to me. The real issue was their reaction. If they'd said "Pat, we think you might be gay, but that's totally cool with us... it's okay to be gay and we like you, want to be your friend and support you" things would have been very different for me and the closet wouldn't have been strong enough to hold me for so long.

    Whether we like it or not, most of us give off a certain vibe... but that's not the real issue. It never is and never has been. The real issue is how people react to the vibe we give off. Rational and reasonable people will not give a toss and will treat us with kindness and respect. The only people we need to worry about is ignorant fools. Sadly, many kids are impressionable and in their immaturity will say and do things that are unkind and harmful towards their peers, including calling out and making an issue of our sexuality. Fortunately, most of them grow up when they get into the big, wide world, but it doesn't reverse the harm that was caused by bullying.
     
  9. Lexa

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    You are so right, I'm fine with giving off a vibe, the vibe is part of me, and on the positive side it can help with meeting other LGBT people.
     
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  10. Biguy45

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    I’m really not sure I have a vibe
     
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  11. Lexa

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    It's possible you don't have one. It's as PatrickUK wrote "most of us".
     
  12. Biguy45

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    I know. Nothing is absolute
     
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  13. Mihael

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    If it was me hitting on you, I wouldn't bother with thinking whether you're gay or straight. I would just try my chance regardless. Sorry :wink:
     
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  14. MaoKingofcats

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    Yea very much so! When I came out to my dad as a lesbian, he responded "I always knew you were a lesbian." haha
     
  15. Love4Ever

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    I don't think so. My parents I know would be shocked if they knew. My mom asked me once if I was gay several years ago, (she only asked me at all because I have anxiety and she knew something was bothering me and thought that might be it.) I said no, (funnily enough I was pretty adamant I was NOT and if that isn't irony I don't know what is.) At the time I didn't know I was bi. I guess my response was TECHNICALLY true even then because I am NOT gay, but whatever. Anyway, I seem like the poster girl for being straight, I am really boy crazy, though not as much at the moment because right now I'm more into girls, but for most of my life I have been crushing on a guy, or often multiple at once. I am also a massive flirt and all they ever see me flirt with are guys. So yeah, if I came out to them they would be shocked. They will probably say there were no indications ever that I wasn't straight. And I guess that is true? So I can't really blame them for being surprised.
     
  16. Love4Ever

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    Yes please! Please do this! I can't emphasis enough how "looking straight", whatever that means anyway, makes me feel invisible. I have only ever been hit on by ONE woman, and even though I wasn't attached to her I LOVED it. We had a lot of fun flirting and I would love it to happen more often.
     
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  17. KayNB

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    From a logic perspective there are really 2 main aspects that probably do this... any combination of the two probably is probably the most significant pings on the so-called gay-dar...

    Gender expression: If a woman is butch at all, or a man is fem, or if a person excludes themselves from certain gender stereotypes then it creates cognitive dissonance. The person observing this mismatch would feel discomfort if they weren't to find a way to rationalize their experience of gender non-conformance so typically they assume "gay" as a good reason why there is a mismatch in their understandings of what gender you should be and what your expression is.

    The other one is queer stereotypes. These break down into two sub-categories too... The first and more obvious are all the things we pick up from each other by participating in the LGBTQ+ community. It's slang that you pick up at the gay bar, silly jokes that you hear on Ru Paul's drag race, techniques for de-stressing that people share on EC, political opinions that often lean towards the proper treatment of humans as humans and not monsters... etc. The other sub-group are the little differences in our behavior that come from being different from the Cis/Het/Amato Normative sets of behaviors and expressions. A slight hesitation before admitting whom we might have crushes on, more thoughful understandings of who we are since we generally have to spend a little more time understanding who we are, sensitivity to the experiences of those whom live a life that doesn't fit in a family sitcom from the 80s.

    Chances are some of those things when displayed are little indicators that we belong to at least one of the letters in the LGBTQIA acronym which generally is interpreted as "Gay" by the outside world.

    Anyway those are my thoughts on it :slight_smile:
     
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  18. Biguy45

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    Probably the only external thing that I do is a more sympathetic approach to lgbt causes. Other than that, I don’t think anyone could tell. I often talk about wanting guys around the guys st work, but I believe they think I’m joking
     
  19. Love4Ever

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    This last part is interesting. If I heard another guy openly talking about how they were into other guys I would definitely not assume they were straight. I would take them entirely seriously because honestly, do straight guys actually joke about that stuff? I don't know, your coworkers sound kinda dense because you sound like you've given them a lot of hints.
     
  20. Love4Ever

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    I guess we see what we want to see.