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Is it normal to lose your confidence after an homophobic encounter

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Kelseyk92, Jul 21, 2020.

  1. Kelseyk92

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    Hi there.

    A bit of a back story, I came out at 14 as a lesbian. I consider myself quite butch, short black hair, normally wear hoodies, tattoos. I thought coming out was hard but it's nothing compared to my first homophobic encounter. I met this girl about 3/4 years ago at work, we became good friends, we would spend every day together. She would continually ask me "why are you a lesbian, how can you not like d*ck? you just gotta lay back and take it babe*. I normally would brush these comments off. But along the way, I fell madly in love with her (typical lesbian falling for a straight girl :frowning2:) and I think she may have liked me too, but she was a bad influence on me, so I backed off a bit. This made her angry. She called me one day and asked me to come over because she needs to talk to me. The conversation started with "If you love someone you should tell them" I said "I would if I did". For some reason, she freaked out and said to me "babe you need to grow up, find a man and start a family, you're 27, this is ridiculous, have you ever considered conversion therapy, you can't bind your body together with a woman and make children that represent the both of you". I used to be so confident, I felt on top of the world. I was so happy, I got lots of attention from women, although I didn't date much as I'm working a lot at the minute and in university.

    For some reason this whole encounter has really pushed me back a bit and made me question myself?! I feel so alone and isolated, I don't have any gay friends either. I just feel so down. I KNOW I AM GAY DEEP DOWN. I could never picture loving or having sex with a man. I love women. But this hasn't only made me lose my confidence, it has also made me question my gender as I don't relate to being a woman or to other women around me? But I don't know if that's societal or what...

    I start LGBT therapy late august but guys, I just need some advice, I feel so down and lost. It's so weird because I went from being with this girl all the time to being alone. I feel as though I'm going to be alone forever. I thought I was depressed before this encounter but I just feel SO lost. I really thought society was moving forward but this girl has made me realise that people really are stuck in the old days
     
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  2. Kelseyk92

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    Also the trans thing... anything to do with being a woman freaks me out, the thought of being pregnant, being viewed as a weak woman, laying down and “taking it from a man” the whole idea of womanly stuff makes me SO UNCOMFORTABLE so maybe I’m truly trans... I’m scared of losing my mind and living as a straight woman for society even though I know it’s not me and being unhappy

    I miss who I was
     
    #2 Kelseyk92, Jul 21, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2020
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  3. bingostring

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    Your friend's comments may have come from wanting to help you out - but, yes, they are unhelpful insensitive and bordering on toxic.
    And you can definitely have your confidence set back from that sort of encounter with anyone.
    I think ... take a deep breath and try to see her comments for what they were ... careless and insensitive.

    But more importantly spend some time thinking about how you can get a small support group of friends around you.
    You need support and camaraderie - and it sounds like you are fairly isolated at the moment. Which makes these events more upsetting than they need to be.
    Just imagine, if you had a few gay friends, you would be saying "..can you believe what this woman said to me.. etc etc ...". You would be having a belly laugh at her expense rather than feeling discombobulated about it?
    This may mean some discomfort in pushing yourself to meet new people ... but i think one new gay friend would pay you back 100 times over in helping you in the times ahead.
     
  4. Kelseyk92

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    How was she trying to help me?! If anything she needs help as she’s in an abusive relationship with a man
     
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  5. Really

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    Those things she says to you are completely out of order. You didn’t ask for her advice and certainly didn’t need it. You’re perfectly fine however you want to be/live/love.

    Supportive people/friends either share your experiences and rejoice or commiserate with you or they offer to help despite not having direct understanding of your situation. She did neither of these. She failed at this. Her. Do not let her cruel words have any sway over how you feel about how you do you. Any choices you makes, as long as they don’t hurt or endanger anyone will always be perfectly acceptable. And remember, you can make different choices at any point. That’s how humans works. ;]

    As for being alone...yeah, it’s really hard right now to work on this but maybe there are online possibilities? Either chatting on dating apps, if you’re into that or looking into meetups and seeing if any are offering online events. Something casual like quizzes or games or some other virtual experiences. Maybe an lgbt film festival? I’m not sure of the logistics but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen ones with viewings and maybe even discussions afterwards? Just a thought.

    Hang in there. You’re great just as you are now and you’ll be great whoever you become in the future, whether that’s the same as now or not.
     
  6. Kelseyk92

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    Thanks for the advice. I don’t agree about choices as I didn’t choose to be gay (or possibly transgender) but thank you for the advice. She kept saying to me it’s a choice and I can assure you it’s not
     
  7. Really

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    Oh yeah. I didn’t mean your sexuality/identity was a choice. I meant who you go out with, whether you want to start a family and who with, etc.
     
  8. Kelseyk92

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    OH I get you. Thank you for your kind words
     
  9. bingostring

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    Her ignorance was behind her comments .. but if you don’t get it that’s fine too
     
  10. Kelseyk92

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    What do you mean?