1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Is it normal to feel bad after opening up to someone?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lottaotter, Aug 21, 2022.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. lottaotter

    lottaotter
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2021
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    202
    Location:
    *
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I am trying to be more vulnerable and open in the hope that it'll make me feel less ashamed.

    I am visiting family and today I opened up about a lot of stuff to my mom. Now I am worried it was 'too much information'.

    The things I talked about:
    -feeling like my friend group in my hometown is falling apart
    -dating but not being able to open up to people
    -not really enjoying physical intimacy/touch and feeling rushed to get to this stage in relationships to please the other person
    -clarified again that I am exclusively attracted to men
    -I also told her about the recurring memories I've been having of childhood trauma. I finally told her about it a year ago. I think she believes me now about most of what happened
    -I asked again if she and my dad are OK about me being gay. She said they are and that they've always thought gay people should be treated the same (which is NOT my experience of growing up with them at all! They seem to have selective memory loss about it...)
    -I said I feel ashamed about how late I came out (to myself and to my parents), and how I don't seem to gel with other gay me very well socially.
    -I'm still not out to other family, but I told my mom she can tell them if they ask. But I doubt they will.
    -I said I am still finding it so very hard to like the way I look


    I just don't have anyone else in my life who I can open up to. For a long time I never told them the extent of my mental health problems because they got fed up with me not getting better. My mom was fine about it but I still feel a bit weird and like I overshared. She said she just wants me to find someone who will support me and has my back.

    I do feel a bit better after talking to her. She has started the last few years to actually tell me that her and my dad are proud of me, which is new and uncomfortable. Coming home brought back a lot of memories. I have started to remember more and more about my childhood, and see it in a different light. The more I remember the more I realise how that abuse affected every single action and thought I had as a child, teenager and still today almost 30 years old. I really don't remember being happy or contented very much at all as a child. I only remember being very scared. And there was one specific trigger that set this off today too.

    Do you think I overshared? Am I doing the 'being vulnerable' thing right? Does anyone else feel like this? Thanks.

    Also, I feel like a fraud putting 'out to everyone' on my profile on EC when I'm not. What do you think?
     
    #1 lottaotter, Aug 21, 2022
  2. bsg75apollo

    bsg75apollo
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2015
    Messages:
    474
    Likes Received:
    568
    Location:
    Chicagoland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't think that you over shared. It is all probably stuff that needed to be said. Just remember though not everyone is capable of giving the reaction you need or want. That is on them not you. As far as out to everyone,, that's up to you. It will evolve over time. I did. Not everyone I knows, but I don't feel the need to tell each person individually, ut I consider myself to be fully out.
     
    #2 bsg75apollo, Aug 21, 2022
    lottaotter, Isbjorn, Cinnamoon and 1 other person like this.
  3. HM03

    HM03
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2013
    Messages:
    2,625
    Likes Received:
    508
    Location:
    Pergatory
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think a lot of us gay folk have issues opening up and being vulnerable after spending such a long time (and often from an early age) being secretive about SO much. Additionally, it doesn't sound like you got emotionally validated to a healthy extent in the past from your parents. So it makes sense struggling to be vulnerable now and feeling a "vulnerability hangover" after such chats.

    Agreeing with the above, I don't think you over shared. Regardless of how well your parents handle your emotionally vulnerable conversations, I think to a large degree, it is just something a parent should do. A good parent's job extends far beyond making sure that you had food and shelter when you were under 18.
     
    #3 HM03, Aug 21, 2022
    lottaotter, Rayland, Isbjorn and 1 other person like this.
  4. Isbjorn

    Isbjorn
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2021
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    134
    Location:
    Northern NV, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I don't think you over shared at all. I think that what you shared needed to be shared, because you shared it. I know that sounds cliche, but it is true. Over all from what I can tell with your post, it seemed like she handled it alright, but I also agree with bsg75apollo, that is on her, not you.
     
    #4 Isbjorn, Aug 21, 2022
    lottaotter and Rayland like this.
  5. chicodeoro

    chicodeoro
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    857
    Likes Received:
    957
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Hi Lottaotter, do I personally think you 'overshared'? No. I think opening up and being honest is an important way to create deeper bonds with each other.

    But...in my experience sometimes families - and English middle class families especially - struggle if one member of the family is honest. That member is often made to feel like an outcast, a black sheep, for breaking the family omerta. Without going into too many details my partner had this same problem with her buttoned-up-tight 'don't talk about emotions' family. And now that she's gone I've got the same problem she had! (except without her support..)

    Feeling 'weird' and vulnerable after sudden outbreak of honesty is absolutely normal. It's the same with coming out. The day after a lot of my early coming out episodes I suddenly felt as if I had no protection and in a way I hadn't. We unwittingly use duplicity and (self) delusion to protect ourselves from how we think people will view us if they knew the 'real' us. But without being brave, being honest and taking off our armour we are unable to grow as people.

    Well done you! And it sounds like your mum really loves you for who you are, which is so important.

    Beth x
     
    #5 chicodeoro, Aug 22, 2022
    lottaotter, Isbjorn and Rayland like this.
  6. lottaotter

    lottaotter
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2021
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    202
    Location:
    *
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks everyone, hope you don't mind me not replying individually, but I do feel better about it a few days later.
     
    #6 lottaotter, Aug 23, 2022
    Isbjorn likes this.
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)