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Is it normal to be uncomfortable in this situation?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lottaotter, Jun 22, 2022 at 10:33 PM.

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  1. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    I went to a queer art class and I'm worried I was socially awkward.

    I know the guy who ran it from an LGBTQ sports group but I don't know him well.

    After the class he suggested going for a drink, which I agreed to (along with a few others) because I thought it was just going to be a normal pub. But then he suggested going back to his house to drop out bags and going to one of the noiser gay venues in town. I immediately felt uneasy and it must have shown because he asked me if I was OK with that so I just said I'd better not as I have work the next day.

    Was I being rude? On one hand I felt I should have pushed myself to go, but then again why should I when I'd already done something 'daring' (for me) by going to a gay art class where I didn't know anyone. And why should I force myself to go to places with loud music (which I've always hated)?

    I think it's worth noting that although the class had gone OK I was starting to get the same feeling I always get in queer spaces- that I don't belong because I'm not educated or rich or attractive or cool enough to be there. I still feel a bit uneasy when I think of going to someone's house who I don't know well at night :/

    I really wanted to be proud of myself for trying not only a new skill but a gay event too, especially as I was the only attendee who didn't come with a group of friends, but now I just feel ashamed for not being a party animal.
     
    #1 lottaotter, Jun 22, 2022 at 10:33 PM
  2. PrettyBoyBlue

    PrettyBoyBlue
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    As someone who is uncomfortable in situations I've already been in before, I think it's perfectly normal to be uncomfortable in a new situation! Honestly, If you're like me (and it rather sounds like it) then I think it could be easy to get overwhelmed, and that pacing yourself can really help you.

    I will say, I'm really proud of you!! This sounds like a great thing for you because 1.) you tried something new, and 2.) you put up a healthy boundary about certain areas.

    I think when we talk about feeling ashamed, it's important to think about like, what that is exactly? When people talk about shame, they're talking about a MORAL component. Like, you did something wrong. When I was in Catholic school that type of thinking was everywhere! It took me a long, long time to break that mindset, because I applied it to almost everything. But no one here thinks being gay is wrong, right? And I certainly don't think that not being a party animal is wrong. It's like an orientation unto itself: You like quieter things. You're in good company, I like quieter things too!

    (And then there's the issue of whether centering a lot of LGBT culture around bars and clubs is healthy. Whole other discussion I will leave alone. There's a number of get-togethers now in the U.S. that specifically avoid bars and clubs because of the amount of LGBT people in recovery and the substance issues in the community.)

    I hope something in my rambling helped! Keep doing what you're doing!!
     
    #2 PrettyBoyBlue, Jun 23, 2022 at 12:54 AM
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2022 at 12:57 AM
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  3. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    Thank you. I hate being like this. Today has been a bad day- after this experience I have spiralled back down to where I was a week or so ago; one of the lowest points I've ever been at. I wish I could love myself the way I am.

    I keep thinking I should have gone with them. But then I keep thinking about the idea of going to someone's house who I don't know well, and it makes me feel physically sick. Especially a gay person's house. I know that's bad to say, but I still have so far to go before I am a normal person. None of the LGBTQ therapists here want to see me, and only do online sessions anyway (I have nowhere private to do calls). I just don't measure up to other gay people. I am a disgusting waste of space
     
    #3 lottaotter, Jun 23, 2022 at 3:55 AM
  4. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    I don't know what to do anymore. I am thinking I ought to post something on socail media with the results of what me made in the class and saying something about fighting social anxiety to do it- would that be attention-seeking? I want to explain my behaviour. I on't know wahts happening ahymore
     
    #4 lottaotter, Jun 23, 2022 at 3:57 AM
  5. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    I' really sorry, please fon't feel any presssure to reply I don't know why I'm like this
     
    #5 lottaotter, Jun 23, 2022 at 3:59 AM
  6. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    @PrettyBoyBlue I just wanted to apologise for the messages above. I was not in a good place yesterday, not helped by taking a different hay-fever medication that I now know causes a lot of depressive symptoms as side-effects for other people too. I was spinning out basically. So thank you for your reply, I hope it didn't seem like I was trashing it.
     
    #6 lottaotter, Jun 23, 2022 at 10:35 PM
  7. PrettyBoyBlue

    PrettyBoyBlue
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    All good @lottaotter. I really appreciate your apology and your honesty, although the apology probably wasn't necessary. This is still a safe place to vent after all. I was just reading through your replies from today. I'm often only able to log on once a day, or every other day depending on my work schedule.

    I really, really, really don't think you should be calling yourself a "disgusting waste of space." Full stop. I really empathize with how you feel though. I felt that way for a long time (and still do from time to time-- a lot of internalized homophobia is still very much with me.) I don't know what the "silver bullet," so to speak, will be for you that will help you feel differently about yourself. It's one thing for me to type something on a forum. It's another thing to actually spark that change for you. If my own experiences prove true for you, it will be something you least expect.

    My only suggestion for the moment is to really think critically about what you're thinking and feeling. You said, "disgusting waste of space." (I really hate having to type that again :frowning2:) Are you??? Don't answer that, I already know the answer: You're absolutely not. It might be more accurate to say that you feel that way, but feelings and facts are completely different things. Feelings can often be deceptive. And even when you have a "fact," you might not have ALL the facts. You don't want to entirely discard either, but you have to look at both to see the big picture. All these different things... like a giant puzzle picture.

    No worries man, you weren't trashing my post or anything. I always try my best to help people, because I know you guys will be here to help me! I'm glad you're starting to feel better again today.
     
    #7 PrettyBoyBlue, Jun 23, 2022 at 11:53 PM
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2022 at 11:57 PM
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  8. lottaotter

    lottaotter
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    Thank you. I am definitely getting desperate to find the 'silver bullet' at the moment. I like to think I've made progress and am still making progress, but I don't always see it for myself. I am seeing a therapist again soon, and I'll make it clear this time I want to work on a longer-term basis on my self-esteem.

    I have started to write down two things each day that I like about myself- something inherent an something I've worked at. Sometimes it is nearly impossible, but the list is growing and none of it seems fake.
     
    #8 lottaotter, Jun 24, 2022 at 2:13 PM
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