1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Is it fair to date men if I'm a biromantic lesbian?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sadepeura, Aug 10, 2011.

  1. Sadepeura

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2011
    Messages:
    302
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Scotland
    Ok, I think I have finally realised what I am. I have no idea how it took this long. I spent years calling myself a bisexual but I was just never that interested in men. Not the same way at least. I did find them cute and pleasant to be around, but I just wasn't sexually interested in them. And I sometimes felt that I might be interested in them a bit more than just as a friend. But that was the end of it really. So finally, after talking about this with my ex, I think I've finally realised that I might be just a biromantic homosexual. There is such a thing, right?

    So, hypothetically speaking, if a guy I like would ask me out on a date, should I say yes? Or no? Because my feelings probably would pass and I wouldn't end up having the same feelings for him as I would for a girl. But a part of me would want to say yes and go to a cinema or for a dinner with him. But that would be all. Would it even be fair, or would I be lying?
     
  2. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,407
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If a guy asked you out, why nit just level with him? More or less say what you said in your post above, and then see if he's still interested.

    Lex
     
  3. Chandra

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2010
    Messages:
    605
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sure. There are as many different potential variations on sexuality and romantic feelings as there are people in the world.

    There is always the possibility when you're dating someone new that the feelings might pass. In a way, that's what dating is for - to find out how compatible you are with someone. And really, dating can be more fun when there isn't too much expectation about what might happen next. So I wouldn't consider it lying, exactly. However, I agree with Lex that it might be a good idea to be upfront with any potential male dates about the fact that there is a strong possibility it wouldn't go any further.
     
  4. Owen

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2007
    Messages:
    608
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    Biromantic homosexuality definitely does exist, because I'm basically one myself. I'm going to echo what others are saying and say be upfront about it. But I'd also advise you to ask yourself if you're willing to put yourself in a situation where you could end up falling for someone that you don't want to have sex with.
     
  5. Zontar

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2010
    Messages:
    1,802
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Binghampton, NY
    There are very few sexual people who would enter into a sexless relationship. Put it up front, stick with 'em if they don't flee. But I wouldn't expect too much unless they feel the same way as you do.
     
  6. Hitchhiker

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2011
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    0
    I would say no. Because even though you may be upfront with this in the beginning, I have a feeling he would think 'maybe she'll come around' or something, and it might be hard to find someone willing to enter a relationship like that. I don't think it'd be fair to either of you.
     
  7. XXReye

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2011
    Messages:
    74
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario
    When a guy asks you out, you could always be like, "My feelings for guys are not that strong, and there's a chance this could pass pretty quickly, but if you're ok with that then we can go on a date". Going on a date with someone doesn't obligate you to be in a relationship with them, and I don't think you're responsible for what the other person's thinking (for instance if they believe they can change you). If you feel yourself falling for a guy, then I think you should explain to them, "Look, I'm not sexually attracted to guys, but I feel like I have strong feelings for you. Where do we go from here?" and work it out with them.
     
  8. Sadepeura

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2011
    Messages:
    302
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Scotland
    Thank you everyone for your replies! But yeah, I suppose honesty is the key. It would be completely unfair not to be honest about this from the start. I don't want to trick anyone into a relationship with me.
     
  9. auburn

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2012
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Calgary
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you for posting about this!

    I'm experiencing this RIGHT now. I didn't even know there was anything called biromantic, and I'm identifying with it SO strongly. I'm so immensely a lesbian, but I could never explain my attraction to some(not many) men.

    I'd love to chat with you more about your experience if you're up for it.
     
  10. The Queen Bee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2012
    Messages:
    250
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ecuador
    I'm sort of like you.

    In all honesty even if you are sexually attracted to the dude, it'll go away sooner or later.
    Maybe not. But, for me it's like that.

    I've got crushes on guys, but they don't last as much.
    Be with the guy, if it feels good... Nonetheless I do believe he should know you consider yourself gay. He should know what he's getting into.
     
  11. auburn

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2012
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Calgary
    Gender:
    Female

    I've got a wicked crush on this guy and we've been super close to having sex three times now. Every time, I completely FREAK out and cut it off. He knows I consider myself a lesbian. And that my feelings for him are confusing the absolute fuck out of me.

    I am so torn about whether or not I should sleep with him?! Cause I do think feelings might just evaporate for me right after.

    Any advice based on your experiences?
     
  12. The Queen Bee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2012
    Messages:
    250
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ecuador
    I think you guys (bi-romantic lesbos) will agree with me that it makes the lines blurry.
    IDK... I can grow to really like a guy... and have VERY platonic feelings toward men.
    And I do feel sexually attracted to some specimen of the male species (lol); but I still think of my as a Sapphic Warrior.
    lol

    I can't discard the possibility to be with a men. I doubt it'll happen any time soon... but, it's possible, I guess. *shrugs*
    That's why I hate when people put sexual orientation as in "gay" or "straight"...
    IT'S NOT BLACK & WHITE, DAMMIT!!!
    Bisexuals exist... I don't get to call myself one; but see where they're coming from. O__O
     
  13. auburn

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2012
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Calgary
    Gender:
    Female

    Feeling the weight of these blurry lines! Ugh.

    Thank you so much for responding! :slight_smile:
     
  14. The Queen Bee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2012
    Messages:
    250
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ecuador
    "I've got a wicked crush on this guy" = Been there, sister.
    As I told you, for me it's like that too.
    Actually, despite that I consider myself a lesbian... my biggest crush so far has been with a guy, NOT a girl. *shrugs*

    I've been intimate with guys. It's good... I've enjoyed it a lot. And I'm not one of those lesbians that hate wee-wees... Nonetheless, the sexual attraction has gone away somewhat quickly after being intimate and then, since I'm not able to be with them that way, I start pushing them away because I don't feel attracted to them anymore.
    What can I say?? I start getting annoyed by them.

    Maybe for you it'll be different.
    Personally I don't think I can fall in love with a guy and have sex with him (I mean in a long term relationship).
    I mean like... the moment it gets sexual, all the sexual attraction I feel towards them just goes away.

    If it's not sexual... then my platonic feelings last longer.

    It's sort of like a "either or" type of situation for me.
    I hope this helps.
     
  15. auburn

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2012
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Calgary
    Gender:
    Female

    Helps big time! It actually makes so much sense to me. And I think that's why I keep spazzing every time this guy and I get a little sexual. Cause I know I'm not gonna like him after it's all said and done. But really...he's gonna want me to still be into him, and I know I won't be.

    So tough. Maybe I should find a nice biromantic asexual man to be all snuggly with while I wait for a lesbian to sweep me off my feet.
     
  16. The Queen Bee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2012
    Messages:
    250
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ecuador
    Yep. That definitely sounds a lot like moi.

    lol
    Funny you said that.
    I had a very platonic relationship with one of my closest friends (obviously male) while I was an exchange student. And I'm pretty sure it was mutual.
    But the thing is he's married; so nothing would have happened there anyways.
    In all honesty, we really worked like a married couple. We were quite syncronized in most things and rely on each other so much. He wasn't my lezbro... To start I wasn't out at the time and second, our relationship was just waaaay deeper than that.
    So yeah, I had platonic feelings for him, but with him no sexual attraction at all.
    His friendship is very dear to me... I wonder how I'll feel if I meet him again.

    So it's either an asexual guy (good luck finding one of them, we're like 1% of the population)... or a married guy who actually cares about his wife and won't cheat (though, he'll be safe with you given that you're gay). :thumbsup:
    Personally I think we, lesbians, are perfect friends for married guys. We can be very emotionally intimate... but given that chances are nothing will happen, their wives can trust us. lol