1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Is it easier to come out as Gay than Bi?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dirtyshirt84, Feb 13, 2019.

  1. dirtyshirt84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2015
    Messages:
    485
    Likes Received:
    271
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Just wondered if anyone else finds it difficult to come out as Bi? I feel like being gay (or of course being straight) would be easier. I sometimes think it’s harder being something in between.

    How do you come out casually without making a big deal of it? Have you ever felt like you have to explain or justify being Bi? Some people seem to think in the binary where as in reality I think most people can probably experience romantic or sexual attraction to both men and women, although most people have a strong preference?
     
    LouiseM likes this.
  2. Dionysios

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2018
    Messages:
    662
    Likes Received:
    576
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    From what I recall, many gay people came out years ago as bisexual rather than gay. It was something like a transitional stage. It was easier admitting one was bi instead of gay. Coming out as gay was a huge step back then (I knew that, which is why I shrank back from even considering it when I was young). Yet many people who identified as bi eventually just switched to calling themselves gay.

    From what I see these days, the pendulum has swung the other way. Being gay is more accepted, and people seem accustomed to closeted people coming out as gay. Coming out as bisexual - not so common anymore. For bisexual guys and gals, they seem to be somewhat overlooked. I trust this changes as people become more educated about the wide range of sexuality that people can have.
     
    Nickw, dirtyshirt84 and Warrior999 like this.
  3. BMC77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2013
    Messages:
    3,267
    Likes Received:
    107
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yes.

    I don't recall actually labelling myself bisexual...but I sure embraced the idea that one could be in the middle of the Kinsey scale. I clung to that delusion for a long time--it allowed me to admit that yes, I was attracted to my own sex, but also allowed me deny to myself that I was (shudder!) gay (shudder!). Finally, I had to admit that I must be either Kinsey 6 or pretty darn close...
     
    dirtyshirt84 and Dionysios like this.
  4. BMC77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2013
    Messages:
    3,267
    Likes Received:
    107
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Probably not as common with those who are actually gay. But I wonder if there aren't be more real bisexuals coming out than was once the case. 30 years ago, a bisexual who might have decided to live as if straight. But today, now that LGBT acceptance is improving, there would be (I'm guessing) more likelihood that those same people would come out as bisexual.
     
    dirtyshirt84 likes this.
  5. Reviskova

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2018
    Messages:
    132
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    Up North
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    i feel like it depends on the person and situation, both come with their own questions and comments. a lot of people still dont "understand" being bisexual, as in not understanding how people can be attracted to both and that they must "choose a side" it is more accepted nowadays, and dont get me wrong coming out as gay has its own hardships, but i would lean to coming out as bisexual as being a bit harder. however coming out is hard no matter what you are. another reason why i think this is cause often some people think bisexual people are just doing it for the opposite genders attention, because they are promiscuous, or that its fake and they are faking it. thats just my opinion though.
     
    dirtyshirt84 likes this.
  6. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,467
    Likes Received:
    2,321
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    In general I think more people are coming out as gay. There certainly is validity in the fact that some people come out as bi in a transition step to gay but not everyone. Coming out as truly bi is more difficult due to the perceived less acceptance. In my own case I considered coming out as Bi but I knew it would be not be authentic, I needed to come out as gay eliminating having to come out twice.
     
    dirtyshirt84, Diogenes and Dionysios like this.
  7. DecentOne

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    856
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I’m not finding it difficult to come out as bisexual, but then I’m not trying to do much with it other than be out. If I was dating it might be harder, so many people just want one thing over the other (are you a dog person OR a cat person... what do you mean you like both?!?!).
     
    dirtyshirt84 likes this.
  8. SiraRom

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2018
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Alabama, USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Coming out wasn't any more difficult. Some were accepting and others weren't, just as if I were a lesbian.

    What has been difficult is retaining my identity. I'm currently in a long-term relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I'm often dismissed or excluded from queer discussions and spaces because I'm "functionally straight". I've been told that I just want attention. For most people, it seems that you can only be bisexual if you are a single person, casually dating people of more than one gender. But then, you're incapable of commitment. Once you do commit, if you don't end up in a relationship with someone of the same-sex, a lot of folks expect you to forego your queer identity.
     
    dirtyshirt84 likes this.
  9. Chierro

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2011
    Messages:
    1,059
    Likes Received:
    186
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I originally came out to friends as bisexual and I think that was partially because I thought it'd be easier(?) to be that because I could just end up in a hetero relationship down the road. Of course, middle school me did not understand things too well.

    From my observations, yeah, it is easier to come out as gay than bisexual. I remember last summer I was on a walk with two girls and a bi guy. Days later when I came out to the girls, it was literally just "cool" there wasn't any questions of level of attraction or anything. On that walk, though, somehow the guy's bisexuality came up and they just kept asking him questions. Not rudely, as friends trying to understand, but questions nonetheless. "Are you more into guys than girls?" "Who would you want to end up with?" etc. etc.

    But it depends on the person and place.
     
    dirtyshirt84 likes this.
  10. Destin

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2018
    Messages:
    2,055
    Likes Received:
    715
    Location:
    The United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The one I hated the most when I came out as Bi originally was "but would you actually marry a guy one day?" It's such a trap question. If you say no, they respond "oh ok then you're pretty much straight still and just kinda kinky". If you say yes, then they say "but why when it's so much harder that way and you can just pick a girl instead since you like both".
     
    dirtyshirt84 likes this.
  11. Mihael

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    3,049
    Likes Received:
    704
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's curious. I was never met with something like this. Instead, I was met with "why would you talk about your sexual/love preferences?"
     
  12. dirtyshirt84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2015
    Messages:
    485
    Likes Received:
    271
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    This is really interesting and I think you might be right. People definitely do seem accustomed to closeted people coming out as gay (especially the older generation?)

    I find it frustrating that people forget that there is something in between! I suppose some younger people also identify as pan or queer as identifying as Bi is maybe less common...
     
    Dionysios likes this.
  13. dirtyshirt84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2015
    Messages:
    485
    Likes Received:
    271
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I’m also currently in a hetero relationship so I know how you feel. It sucks, but hopefully it’s changing. I think your real friends will accept you for who you are and you should never have to forego part of your identity.
     
  14. dirtyshirt84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2015
    Messages:
    485
    Likes Received:
    271
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I know people are just interested but I think I sometimes find these types of questions intrusive and it puts me off telling people? I think sometimes telling people you are Bi (or gay) invites lots of personal questions I don’t feel people would ask a straight person
     
    Reviskova and Nickw like this.
  15. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Dirtyshirt

    I just saw this thread and thank you for posing the question.

    I'd agree with the comments that "it depends on the person". My own family history is sort of a "history of coming out". One gay brother came out, with much fanfare and acceptance as gay. My gay sister has never officially come out...she just started living her life honestly and it was obvious. My other gay brother came out as bisexual and now identifies as gay. Because of all of this history, I'm, frankly, quite afraid to come out as an honest to goodness, hetero married, bisexual. I'm pretty sure I won't be taken seriously in my own family and I cannot deal with that at this stage of my life. I just don't feel like justifying what I am to my family or defending my sexuality from both sides.

    I know it is a cop out to the bisexuals that follow. But, I just want to live my life my way. I don't care if someone figures it out and I just don't want the drama if I have to disclose it. I also cherish my time with my male lovers and I don't want the scrutiny of my marriage tarnishing that when it is now something everyone knows about.
     
  16. LouiseM

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2019
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I came out as bi at school and brothers two years ago (I'm 17) and to my parents last april. I found it hard, like it would coming out as anything other than cis/het, but I wished that I was gay just so it was easier bc I hated having to explain why I wasn't gay or straight and how I knew if I "wasn't actually just gay". Coming out is hard no matter what but I wished I was gay bc I felt like I would have been asked less questions.
     
  17. Chierro

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2011
    Messages:
    1,059
    Likes Received:
    186
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    These questions are intrusive but I think it depends on the person asking, personally. If I come out to a close friend and they ask, I'm honestly not phased. If a stranger asked, I would be very disturbed. You are right though, these aren't questions that they would ask straight people. And people have their own preferences to whether or not something's okay.

    The guy in particular I mentioned I know wasn't bothered by the questions because the two girls asking were very close friends.